I Found Him!

I Found him!

I found the right man for me. Turns out he was right under my nose for the last 3 years of my college career!

We are now "officially" dating. (Whatever that means...) We have been together for nearly a month now.

I have never been happier.

I had no idea that I could love someone so much. It is truly incredible.

What's even more incredible? He loves me back. Yep. He LOVES me. That still sounds odd to say or even read. That someone could LOVE me even with all of my faults.

See, Alan (which is what we will call him), knows about most of my past. He knows that I was abused for a year and a half. I ended up not being able to tell him, I was trying, but my friend told him for me, without me knowing! I wish that I could have been able to tell him, but it really isn't good conversation over dinner and there is no good way to start that kind of conversation.

So, now he knows. As soon as I saw him after he talked to my friend, he pulled me in for a big hug. He whispered to me that everything will be alright and that no matter what, he loves me. I asked him what happened because I was walking back from class and it threw me off a bit. He just looked at me and I knew that he knew. I started crying and he just held me and told me that he loved me and that we will work through it together.

He tells me that everyday. That he loves me. Sometimes multiple times a day. How did I get so lucky?

I found him.

He knows about my abusive past and still wants to be with me and loves me.

What an answer to a prayer! God really is good!

Alan has to be the best thing to have happened to me.

Right now, he is in Spain and I miss him terribly. He just called a few minutes ago. It was so wonderful to hear his voice. He will be back in a week, thank God. I have never missed someone so badly in my life. I will survive this though. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope they are right.

Happiness - who knew that I could remember what that feels like...

Endometriosis

I feel like I have been missing from my blog for a while now.

But do not fear, for I have returned!

I am so busy with school and everything is just so hectic! But I found a few minutes to write. I made the time (I was about to go crazy!).

So, I was/am having some health trouble. Let me tell you about that.

I went to a new gynecologist. She is so nice! I LOVE her. The best one I have ever been to!
She was so nice and so patient with me in explaining the reason I was crying at a doctors office for a pelvic exam. (It was the only time I have ever had a pelvic exam that I didn't totally freak out and lose it!)

Unfortunately, even though she was a sweetheart, I got some not so good news.

I kind of knew it was coming. My family doctor said that she thought I had it, but wasn't positive, so she sent me to see this kind doctor I mentioned above.

She said that she is 90% sure that I have endometriosis. (the link takes you to more info about endometriosis! I am no expert on it and am still learning too!)

She said that she can't be 100% sure, because the only way to do that is to have surgery. Umm...no thanks. Not unless I need it, and thankfully, I don't (yet...).

So, now not only am I trying to survive school, but I am trying to survive chronic pelvic pain and survive sexual abuse.

It will be ok though. I know it will. God has a plan for me. Maybe his plan is that I can help both people who have been abused and those with this disease. Maybe. I'm not going to try and figure out his plan. It is too great for me to comprehend anyways.

Well, that is what has been going on with me. I will try my best to write more frequently!

Dating

Here I go.

Time to vent about some things that have been on my mind for a while now.

I was told by one of my friends the other day that I am going to end up alone forever if I don't start dating right away. At first I believed him. I got kind of upset and a little frantic. I couldn't help but think that he was right. I am going to end up a dog lady (not a cat lady - I'm allergic).

He was making me feel like I am so abnormal because I am timid when it comes to the dating scene. I have every right to be timid when it comes to that too!

He doesn't really know my past, so who is he to judge me based on that?

I know that I need to get myself out there and try some dating, but I am so scared.

Who could ever love someone like me? I am so messed up that I am scared that once a guy finds this out, he will be heading for the door in a heartbeat.

Dating is scary for normal people, and it is a million times more so for me.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I just wanted to take a moment to say happy new year and let you all know that I did not, in fact, drop off the face of the blogging world!

I have been so super busy!

One of my new year's resolutions is to blog more! Blogging helps me and helps you, so therefore, I should aim to do it more often!

As I was thinking back on 2012, I realized that I am very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for all of you who read/follow my blog. Thank you! Without you, I would not feel like I am talking to or helping anyone! Thank you!

It is time for me to go to bed.

Have a wonderful and prosperous new year! :)

Doctor's Visit Gone Bad

I had another doctor's appointment to check on my ovarian cysts.

It was HORRIFIC. I have been told that I am just being too dramatic. I'm sorry, but to me, it was a very awful experience.

I go there expecting not much to be done except maybe a pelvic exam (which I have done before).

Nope.

My doctor wanted to do a pap smear because I turned 21 in August and because I have been bleeding massive amounts for no reason.

I was not mentally prepared for something like this. I tried to explain to her that it may not be a good idea to do it. She told me that I am just nervous and to just relax.

I tried to relax. It didn't work.

She gets the speculum in not even half way and I am freaking out. I am crying and shaking. She asked me if I was okay and I told her to just hurry up and do it. She pushed it in a bit more.

Nope.

I was done.

She told me that my muscles tensed up so much that she couldn't even get the speculum in the rest of the way, let alone finish the exam.

So, now that you know what happened, let's take a minute to talk about how that made me feel.

I felt like crap. I STILL feel like crap and this happened last Friday.

I feel so inadequate as a lady. Ladies should be able to get these things done and be able to be touched down there without freaking out.

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel such a baby.

I have been told by a few people that I shouldn't feel this way, but I really can't help it. I do and I won't feel better for a while I don't think.

I have been in a depressed slump ever since.

My friend came up with an idea to help me get past this. She told me that I need to take a vagina vacation. For a week or two, no one and nothing is coming near my vagina. I will also not discuss my vagina with anyone. I refuse to acknowledge it.

Sounds silly, but it just might work...

What I Want

I can't wait until I'm older.

That must sound silly for a 20 year old lady to be saying.

I can't wait to be 30 and have everything figured out. If everything isn't all figured out, I still feel that by then, I should have most of what I want out of life.

I want to be happy.

For some reason, in my mind, I get so stuck on being happy in my future, that I don't know how to be happy now. I'm trying though.

In my future I picture myself being a high school band director. I will have a family. A kid or two and a husband that loves me more than anyone has ever loved me.

I want to feel that love. I want it to embrace me every day all day. I want to be able to feel that if I mess up, that I will still be loved unconditionally and be told that it is okay.

I want to be told that I am beautiful.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be the perfect mommy someday. I want to take care of my children and be the mommy that I never really had.

I want to be the perfect wife. I want to make my husband happy and make it so that he can be proud of me.

I want to be it all. All of these things.

I know that being perfect is not going to happen, but I want to try.

I feel that if I can get all of these things to happen, then I will be happy.

Stuck In Circles

I have been getting stuck in circles lately.

I have come to the conclusion that as part of being human, getting caught in circles is a common way of living.

I feel that in order to get out of my path of continuing circles, something must change.

I work every day at trying to become a better person. In the beginning it was solely for the purpose of healing. Now, I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to make my life the way I want it to be. I feel more in control.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I feel needs to change.

The first thing that came to mind was being more independent. This pertains to my feelings, decisions, and religion. By independent, I mean that I need to think for myself and think about what is going to work for me. This feels selfish to me, but it is what I feel will help me be happy. I can't live other people's lives. I have to live my own.

I am also going around in circles with the abuse. There is no sense of closure about anything to do with it. I am still working on what I can do to help that feeling.

I am only going to be taking baby steps to make these circles a little wider so that it doesn't seem so much like a circle, just a big path. (I hope that makes sense.)

Baby steps.

My Heart Aches

To celebrate Memorial Day, every year, my family has a picnic.

Now, my grandfather is 84 and in pretty good shape for a man of that age and is still as classy as ever! My great uncle (his brother) is 80. He is not in such great shape. He is in a wheelchair and can't get around very well and he is very depressed and feels like a burden.

So, my great uncle lives in an assisted living type apartment.

My great aunts and her daughters were coming to the picnic as well. He calls them up and asks them for a ride to the picnic. This is all after my grandfather had to change his mind to get him to go. Their response?

"No. We can't. We only want to take one car."

Conversation over.

My grandfather then decides to go himself to get him. He is still able to drive, but it scares the daylights out of me, so my sister went with him while I made some food for the picnic and got some things together.

They get back. We picnic it up and have a great time talking with family and also celebrating my cousin's 12th birthday.

It is time for my great uncle to go home. He says he isn't feeling too well. This was the most he has been outside in a while and it was well over 90 degrees out.

My grandfather says he'll take him home.

I quickly interject and say that he shouldn't. He was working all morning. (Yes, he still works.) He was tired. I said that we would take him home.

Multiple family members were standing there listening to us talk about taking him home. No one, and I mean not a single person even so much as offered to help get him home. No one even offered to get him to the car and help him get in!

It made my heart ache.

I don't understand how I am related to these people. With the exception of my own father, my sisters and my older cousin, I don't understand. I was raised that family comes first - always. You take care of family, and your family will take care of you. That is how it works.

My poor great uncle felt like such a burden. I had to convince him that he wasn't and when I finally did, he admitted that he was happy that he came to the picnic at last minute and that he had a great time.

Shouldn't that be enough of a reason to go out of your way to help him? Who knows how many more picnics he will be able to go to.

There was so much selfishness and it lack of love. They have lost the true meaning of loving each other and having a loving heart.

I have made a decision. I am going to make a difference in this world. I am going to do most of it through music, but I hope that I can make a difference through my actions as well.

It truly makes my heart ache.

Ultrasounds

So, I had some ultrasounds done today.

Not my favorite way to spend a Thursday, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm not going to lie, I have been stressing over this for the last week.

I had to get a regular pelvic ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. They basically stuck a wand type thing up my hoo-ha. It was not pleasant.

I survived though.

I had to tell the technician doing it about my concerns.

That is one thing I highly recommend if you have ever been abused and need to get these done. Talk to the technician! Tell him/her your concerns and fears! It will definitely make you feel better! They can't read your mind, so don't expect them to know!

Because I told my technician about my past, she said that at any time, I could tell her to stop.

I WAS IN CONTROL.

I didn't have to tell her to stop because she did a fantastic and quick job and got all the pictures she needed, but the option was there. I was in control over what she was doing to my body and it made me feel more at ease.

I want to let you know, that I did not just go into the doctor's office and got it done and left. No. It wasn't that simple for me.

I had to mentally prepare myself for like 4 days. No joke.

I have been practicing my deep breathing and deciding on what to think of to keep myself grounded and in control of my thoughts and feelings.

It worked.

I am not going to lie, I am pretty proud of myself. I did it. I kept myself in control and kept my thoughts (mostly) under control and calm.

I am getting closer to a happier and healthier life through all of these different obstacles.

Pelvic Exam

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was supposed to be a follow up for my depression meds.

I have been having some lower left pelvic pain, so I told my doctor. She asked some questions...blah blah blah. She said that she thinks it is ovarian cysts. So, a pelvic exam was in order to rule out any other problems.

I have never had a pelvic exam before. I was quite scared. With my past, I was worried how I would handle it.

Thankfully, my doctor knows of my past and she is very understanding. She is just wonderful!

So, the exam begins. It was the worst thing ever! I have never been so uncomfortable and in that much pain from any type of physical exam! So, not only was I in some pain from the exam because I couldn't relax, but there was also the pain that I have been feeling before the exam even began!

To add to all of that I was feeling so many different emotions. My doctor apologized a million times for having to do that (love her). I was just so uncomfortable and feeling so many things that I can't even begin to describe!

So, it was finished and I went to sit up and I nearly passed out. My doctor asked if I was okay, and I said that I felt like I was going to pass out, so she had me lay back down and got me some water. I just don't think my body or my mind was ready for something like that. I feel so embarrassed that I handled it so poorly. I should be stronger than that.

Even though I do feel ashamed of myself, I am slightly proud. I got through it. I survived one more obstacle in this whole thing! I hope that this story is inspirational for someone. I waited a month before going to the doctor because I knew that I was going to have to have a pelvic exam and I didn't want it. It shouldn't be that way. I need to take care of my body.

I am strong and this is proof that I am surviving. :)

My Life (as of now)

My life has been super busy lately!

So much has been going on! I came home from college Saturday and am home for the summer!

I always forget how hard it is transitioning from school to home and then back to school. I will survive though.

I am just happy that I now have some time to de-stress and try to relax some!

I am super excited that I will have some time to myself this summer. It will be time to relax, reflect, and learn. I plan on doing some more healing, reading, and praying.

Ultimately, I want to be the best me that I can be and this summer is going to be a big part of it.

I hope that during this summer that I can post more now that I will have some more time.

We'll see how it goes! :)

Thank You!

I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for reading my blog! I have gotten so many friendly and supportive comments! Thank you all so much! It really means a lot to me. It reminds me that I am not alone in this and that maybe, just maybe, I am helping someone else to realize the same thing.

Someone Needs To Help

I have been feeling a lot lately like I need help.

It is so very frustrating because I have no idea how in the world I actually need helped.

My feelings as of right now consist mostly of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and confused.

I guess I have been confused all along, but now I think I am ready to start to confront my confusion and try to bring it to a halt.

I want to begin by saying that lately I have been hanging out with a guy. We both like each other. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. I know that I am not being treated right. He takes advantage of my personality and my love. He makes no time for me and only texts or calls when he wants to make out. (Which I have finally been able to do since the abuse. Yay!) I know in my heart that it is wrong for me to let him treat me this way. I deserve to be treated like the princess that I am!

This whole situation makes my head spin. I am confused about how I am supposed to feel about this and how it relates to my relationship with my mom and the abuse. I am just so confused.

I also feel so ashamed about all of this. I feel as though I should know better than to get myself in a situation like this.

I just wish that someone could help me. I asked my best friend for advice but she shot back at me what I always tell her when she asks for advice. "When you ask for advice you already know the answer you want to hear. You will keep asking for advice until you get your answer."

I need to learn how to sort out my feelings. I need to keep my feelings associated with the abuse away from the rest of my everyday life. That seems to work best for me right now.

Until I can figure some of this out, I am going to have to continue feeling confused, ashamed, and embarrassed.

So Much To Do!

I have been so busy lately!

School work has me swamped, along with gigs and getting ready for masterclasses and such things. I don't know how I am going to get everything that needs to be done...well...done!

I feel overwhelmed! I have so much that I have been wanting to post about, but my business has kept me from doing any of it! How frustrating!

I have to keep my priorities straight though. School first, gigs second, then blogging.

I am leaving on a trip on Wednesday, hopefully I will have a little down time to do some blogging and catch you all up on what has been going on in my life!

So much has happened!

I have 5 days of rehearsal time left until I play with a world known jazz trumpet player and I am NOT ready...so until I am, blogging is on hold!

Off to practice, I go!

Things Are Looking Up

A couple days ago I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control.

I know now that it wasn't.

It was just life.

Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.

I know that now.

Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.

Such is life, but I am living and learning.

What My Future Holds

I have ordered a book recently online about teaching music. It is for my own personal enjoyment and growth as a musician and somday, a teacher.

This book has caused me to think about my life and what my future may have in store. I am not the type of person to make plans for everything, but I do like to have an outline.

My plan so far is to:

• Graduate college.
• Possibly get a masters...maybe. Who knows.
• Get a job.
• Get married.
• Have kids.

That's it.

I have a lot that is left to be filled in there. Such as, what do I want to do as far as a job, I kind of need a boyfriend first to even think about marriage, and so on.

Now that I have an outline dealing with my future family, education, and job, I feel as though I need one for my healing process, spiritual, and all of issues.

Here it is:

• Feel better than the day before.
• Love and serve with a happy heart.
• Learn to forgive.
• Keep going to therapy.
• Finally have my final meltdown and be on the downward slope in healing.

Those are my goals.

I don't really have a time frame for when I want them done. I guess, as long as I accomplish them, that is all that matters.

Wish me luck.

Happy (Belated) New Year!

Happy (belated) new year!

To start it off, I will leave you with this lovely quote/picture. :)

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Eve and I am irritated.

I love my family to pieces, but they annoy me. I don't mean my immediate family, I mean my extended family. You know, the aunts and uncles you only see on holidays.

They act fake.

I don't like fake.

They talk to your face and then turn around and whisper about you to someone else behind your back.

Not cool.

I have had enough of that crap to last me the rest of my life. I am over it.

It is Christmas though, so I am going to try and not let it bother me.

How am I going to do that, you may ask?

Simple.

I am going to ignore it. I am going to keep myself calm by doing deep breathing and know that I am true to myself and to others and that I do not partake in any of those childish backstabbing behaviors.

Anyways, I have to go to bed. Santa will be here soon! ;)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas!

Christmas will be here in just a few short days.

I am going to use this time to help myself (and hopefully others) to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

My friend just had her baby yesterday.

She had a natural birth. It wasn't planned that way, but it just happened.

Mary, Jesus' mother, had her baby boy in a stable where it is dirty, cold, and there were no pain meds.

And Mary did not have much choice in the matter either. She was chosen by God to give birth to Jesus and to be his mother.

She did it though, and she did it with a loving heart and was ready to battle what may with all of her might to make sure that her and her new baby were safe.

Not only did she obey God, but she did it with a happy heart.

I want to be more like Mary - I want to be able to obey God and have a happy heart.

I want to learn to be happy with my life every day. Not just every once in a while when I have a good day. I want to have a happy heart and cherish even the bad days.

Creeping Crud

Hello all!

I haven't been on here much lately. Sorry! I got back from Chicago Friday night/Saturday morning. The trip was amazing! The best trip I have ever been on, by far! It was so cool!

Unfortunately, the trip made me so run down and exhausted (not that I wasn't already), that I got sick.

I have one of the worst head colds I have ever had. I am getting so sick and tired of blowing my nose!

It is hard trying to get ready for Christmas when I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.

I guess my depression doesn't help that much either.

On the bright side...

My friend sent me a text a few hours ago and told me that her 3 year old son, (whom I love to death!) woke up from his nap and told her what he dreamed about. He had a dream that him and I were planting yellow and pink flowers and watering them outside his house.

I was near tears when I read that one message! That boy has no idea how he makes me feel so loved. I think it is because he just does it naturally. He loves and does it without thinking or doubting his own feelings. It is so sweet!

I can't wait until I get to go visit them again! I know I will be soon, considering that she is due to have a baby any day now and I am the on call babysitter.

How has your day been?