I Found Him!

I Found him!

I found the right man for me. Turns out he was right under my nose for the last 3 years of my college career!

We are now "officially" dating. (Whatever that means...) We have been together for nearly a month now.

I have never been happier.

I had no idea that I could love someone so much. It is truly incredible.

What's even more incredible? He loves me back. Yep. He LOVES me. That still sounds odd to say or even read. That someone could LOVE me even with all of my faults.

See, Alan (which is what we will call him), knows about most of my past. He knows that I was abused for a year and a half. I ended up not being able to tell him, I was trying, but my friend told him for me, without me knowing! I wish that I could have been able to tell him, but it really isn't good conversation over dinner and there is no good way to start that kind of conversation.

So, now he knows. As soon as I saw him after he talked to my friend, he pulled me in for a big hug. He whispered to me that everything will be alright and that no matter what, he loves me. I asked him what happened because I was walking back from class and it threw me off a bit. He just looked at me and I knew that he knew. I started crying and he just held me and told me that he loved me and that we will work through it together.

He tells me that everyday. That he loves me. Sometimes multiple times a day. How did I get so lucky?

I found him.

He knows about my abusive past and still wants to be with me and loves me.

What an answer to a prayer! God really is good!

Alan has to be the best thing to have happened to me.

Right now, he is in Spain and I miss him terribly. He just called a few minutes ago. It was so wonderful to hear his voice. He will be back in a week, thank God. I have never missed someone so badly in my life. I will survive this though. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope they are right.

Happiness - who knew that I could remember what that feels like...

Super Woman

I just now realized something. (I know, it is past my bedtime... but hear me out.)

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, babysit, church gigs, lesson work, ensembles, and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.

Stuck In Circles

I have been getting stuck in circles lately.

I have come to the conclusion that as part of being human, getting caught in circles is a common way of living.

I feel that in order to get out of my path of continuing circles, something must change.

I work every day at trying to become a better person. In the beginning it was solely for the purpose of healing. Now, I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to make my life the way I want it to be. I feel more in control.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I feel needs to change.

The first thing that came to mind was being more independent. This pertains to my feelings, decisions, and religion. By independent, I mean that I need to think for myself and think about what is going to work for me. This feels selfish to me, but it is what I feel will help me be happy. I can't live other people's lives. I have to live my own.

I am also going around in circles with the abuse. There is no sense of closure about anything to do with it. I am still working on what I can do to help that feeling.

I am only going to be taking baby steps to make these circles a little wider so that it doesn't seem so much like a circle, just a big path. (I hope that makes sense.)

Baby steps.

Saying I Love You

I know I haven't been on here in a while! Sorry! Life seemed to pick up the pace a little bit and I was struggling to keep up! I've got life pretty much under control - or at least as much as a person can have life under control...


Anyways.


I was talking with my sister's kids on facebook the other day. I am not all that fond of my sister in the first place, but her kids wanted to talk to me, so I agreed. The kids never did anything to me.

The youngest got done talking and the last message she sent was, "I love you, aunt Lara."

Oh geez.

I have a rule that I live by. I don't know if it a good rule, but it seems to work for me.
Don't say "I love you" unless you mean it.

So, when my sister's daughter said she loved me, I froze. I ended up not responding. I felt bad, but I had to decide which was worse - saying an empty I love you or not responding. I chose not to respond.

To me, there is nothing worse than an empty "I love you."

I feel as though I have just had my fill of them and there is no need for them. They just hurt people.

They've hurt me, I know that.

In particular, my best friend in high school would say that she loved me everyday. I, of course, would say it back. I thought she meant it. I'm sure she did at one point. She was also the one that I went to first about the abuse. She didn't believe me and told my abuser what I told her, making the abuse a million times worse. I don't know about you, but to me, someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you. They wouldn't call you a liar and then make your life even worse.

That was when I stopped with saying "I love you" unless I mean it. Only a few people in my life get "I love you." Those people are my best friends and my family. No one else gets them.

Call me stingy, but that is how I feel.

Love is too precious to give away to people who don't deserve it.

Hope Restored

I finally had the opportunity to go to a friend's house for the first time. We have talked a bit online via email and I know her husband really well, but we have never really met.

I felt that I needed to meet her. We have so much in common. It is actually quite creepy. We were both abused, we both have ovarian cysts, and we both have mother issues.

So, I go to their house yesterday at 1pm. I stayed until 11pm! We just kept talking and talking!
I want to share with you a little of what we talked about yesterday. To respect her privacy, I won't use her name.

We started off talking about my mother. Her mommy issues are similar. Her mother didn't leave her physically, but she left her emotionally. She just didn't want her own daughter anymore, so we talked about that for a while.

We eventually got to talking about the abuse. She was so full of wisdom and advice. It was fantastic. I was finally talking to someone who understood. She knew what I was feeling and why.

She told me that I had a beautiful soul. I started crying. I don't feel like I do. I know I do, but I don't necessarily feel it all the time. I want to feel beautiful and feel like I have a beautiful soul.

She told me the best thing I have heard in a very long time:

It gets better.

She brought back my hope. If she says that it gets better, well, then I believe her. She has been through it and she has finally gotten to a point where she can say that it gets better.

My hope is restored. We talked about how the abuse affects every aspect of life from shopping, sex, school, relationships (romantic and not), and religion.

I feel like I can survive all of the craziness that comes with the abuse in regards to those things now.

I feel so much hope now. It was all from just talking with a friend.

What restores your hope?

I am a Sinner

I am a sinner. I was made that way. I was baptized and all of my sins were washed away.

I am still a sinner.

I am not perfect.

Every Sunday (or nearly every Sunday), I go to church. We say this prayer every week and I have not once in my whole life ever thought about what it meant.

I confess to Almighty God,
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have sinned through my own fault,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;
and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord, our God.

So, what does it mean?

I am convinced that for everyone it may have a different meaning. For a priest, it may mean something very different than what it means for me. This is my interpretation of it and how it coincides with my life.

For me, the lines:

I confess to Almighty God,
and to you my brothers and sisters,

They mean to me, that we all have made mistakes. God loves us anyways. We are His children and He will always love us. It can be hard to feel sometimes. Sometimes it feels like we may have done something or acted in a way that makes us feel as though no one could be able to love us.

Especially, after being sexually abused. There were moments last summer that I was so mean to people that tried to help me. I pushed them away (hard) and was bound determined that I could handle anything by myself. I was wrong. I wasn't letting God in and was in need of His love and guidance. I was truly alone and lost.

The next part:

that I have sinned through my own fault,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;

To me, this means that the mistakes that we make as humans are going to take many different forms. This only touches on a few, but they are a few very broad categories.

Relating this back to sexual abuse, the way that we felt or what we have thought during the abuse may have been sinful in nature. For me, I know that I had thoughts of wishing I could just die. I had thoughts of killing him. These (I've been told) are very normal thoughts considering the situation. God also understands. He forgives. He knows that it happened and He wants us to take from it and turn it into a chance to learn and better ourselves.

and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord, our God.

This part is pretty self explanatory. We are forgiven. We are loved no matter what.

I just wish that these prayers were more than just words for people. For me, after being abused, they were a way of life. They were a way of getting myself to believe again and keep my faith. I lived these words. I still try to.

I know that I am a sinner. Being abused makes me feel like I am worse than everyone else, like I did something to wrong God.

This isn't true at all, but what I have been learning lately, sometimes the knowing and feeling parts of your thinking don't quite line up or make that connection.

So, the next time you pray or even talk to God, think, "Am I just going through the motions?"

Make your words and actions take meaning.

The Abuse in a Nutshell

I was abused by the same boy over and over.

The abuse took a few different forms.

Verbal. Every day in class I was talked to like I was the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I was made fun of. I was degraded. I was asked personal questions that no one has the right to know the answers to, but me and maybe my doctor or boyfriend. I was asked double bladed questions that no matter how I would choose to answer, I always lost.

Physical. I was taken to places in the school to be touched. The boys bathroom was a favorite for him. I was touched so much... This part is too hard for me to talk about right now... Eventually, I will be able to do it.

Mental. I was left feeling like I was so small. I lost every ounce of self confidence that I ever had. I felt like I was not worth anything. He made me feel that way so much so, that I couldn't help but think that it was true. I started to doubt everything I thought I knew about myself and God. I started to think that I was supposed to suffer and that maybe I had done something wrong and deserved to be treated like this.

I know now, that none of the above is true.

None of what he did defines me. It has structured my life to be different than others, but it's not supposed to be the same anyways.

I know now, that I am worth everything and then some. Some days it is hard to feel it, but deep down I know it.

It seems odd to say, but I am glad that I am given the opportunity to learn so much about myself. Don't get me wrong, I do wish that I never had to endure such terrible things, but in the end, I think that if anything, it is making me a better person.

I Am Broken

I am broken.

I came to this conclusion reading another person's blog.

This made me realize I was broken.

What does that mean for me though?

Well, my broken and your broken may be two completely different things. Some people can handle more or less than others, which is just fine. It is the way we are made.

I think that I have a broken sense of love.

I know that my family loves me, but when it comes to people outside of my family, I either love too quickly or am unable to love or let them love me. I want them to love me so that I can fill that spot in my heart that my mother abandoned. It is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole though. It never seems to work.

I know for a fact though, that I am not nearly as broken as I used to be.

I thank the Lord every night for my progress. I just wish He would help me to figure out my brokenness and help to fix me and put my pieces back together.

It is a process, I guess.

Ultrasounds

So, I had some ultrasounds done today.

Not my favorite way to spend a Thursday, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm not going to lie, I have been stressing over this for the last week.

I had to get a regular pelvic ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. They basically stuck a wand type thing up my hoo-ha. It was not pleasant.

I survived though.

I had to tell the technician doing it about my concerns.

That is one thing I highly recommend if you have ever been abused and need to get these done. Talk to the technician! Tell him/her your concerns and fears! It will definitely make you feel better! They can't read your mind, so don't expect them to know!

Because I told my technician about my past, she said that at any time, I could tell her to stop.

I WAS IN CONTROL.

I didn't have to tell her to stop because she did a fantastic and quick job and got all the pictures she needed, but the option was there. I was in control over what she was doing to my body and it made me feel more at ease.

I want to let you know, that I did not just go into the doctor's office and got it done and left. No. It wasn't that simple for me.

I had to mentally prepare myself for like 4 days. No joke.

I have been practicing my deep breathing and deciding on what to think of to keep myself grounded and in control of my thoughts and feelings.

It worked.

I am not going to lie, I am pretty proud of myself. I did it. I kept myself in control and kept my thoughts (mostly) under control and calm.

I am getting closer to a happier and healthier life through all of these different obstacles.

Pelvic Exam

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was supposed to be a follow up for my depression meds.

I have been having some lower left pelvic pain, so I told my doctor. She asked some questions...blah blah blah. She said that she thinks it is ovarian cysts. So, a pelvic exam was in order to rule out any other problems.

I have never had a pelvic exam before. I was quite scared. With my past, I was worried how I would handle it.

Thankfully, my doctor knows of my past and she is very understanding. She is just wonderful!

So, the exam begins. It was the worst thing ever! I have never been so uncomfortable and in that much pain from any type of physical exam! So, not only was I in some pain from the exam because I couldn't relax, but there was also the pain that I have been feeling before the exam even began!

To add to all of that I was feeling so many different emotions. My doctor apologized a million times for having to do that (love her). I was just so uncomfortable and feeling so many things that I can't even begin to describe!

So, it was finished and I went to sit up and I nearly passed out. My doctor asked if I was okay, and I said that I felt like I was going to pass out, so she had me lay back down and got me some water. I just don't think my body or my mind was ready for something like that. I feel so embarrassed that I handled it so poorly. I should be stronger than that.

Even though I do feel ashamed of myself, I am slightly proud. I got through it. I survived one more obstacle in this whole thing! I hope that this story is inspirational for someone. I waited a month before going to the doctor because I knew that I was going to have to have a pelvic exam and I didn't want it. It shouldn't be that way. I need to take care of my body.

I am strong and this is proof that I am surviving. :)

What I've Learned Thus Far

It has been nearly a year since everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I was a mess. I couldn’t hold a conversation, I was emotional beyond belief, and I was alone.

Since then, I have gone to therapy, and still do.

I am still emotional, I’m a lady, but I have learned to tune into my emotions and learn what they mean.

I have learned that I am a beautiful young lady full of potential.

I learned that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It may seem like too much, but He has a plan and He knows what is best for you.

I have learned to take everything one day at a time. There is no use getting worked up over things that haven’t even happened yet or may not happen at all. Live life and love life.

I have learned that everything in life, and I mean everything, is a learning experience. The bad, the good, the beautiful, and the ugly are all chances to learn and grow as a person, a son/daughter, a child of God, a mother/father, sister/brother, friend, student, teacher, and whatever else you may be to yourself and to others.

I have learned that the past is the past. You can't fix the past. You can try and make the best of the outcomes and the lessons you have learned, but that is about it. It is over and done and that is it.

I have learned that friends and family need to be cherished. They may not fully understand all the time, but their hearts are in the right place.

So, I have learned a lot this year. This is only some of it. A lot can happen in the course of a year and thankfully, for me, it has been mostly for the better.

Guilt

I feel guilt all the time.

When will it go away? Does it ever go away? What will it take to feel good and feel like I deserve what I have and how I feel?

The only time I don't feel guilty is when I am playing music. I think it is because I am sharing it with people and I get an amazing feeling of being able to put emotion into music and have others feel the same as I do for a minute or two.

Unfortunately, my heart feels heavy after those few minutes of relief are gone. How do I achieve this feeling of being loved and useful and not guilty while not having to play music?

Is it something that I am just going to have to learn to deal with?

If this is the case, I am not so sure I can do it. Sure, it helps me connect to the music easier, but in every day life, it emotionally hurts.

I am tired of my heart being heavy all the time.

Things Are Looking Up

A couple days ago I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control.

I know now that it wasn't.

It was just life.

Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.

I know that now.

Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.

Such is life, but I am living and learning.

Why?

Why oh why?

Nothing seems to make much sense to me anymore.

My mood and emotions are going absolutely haywire! I feel happy, sad, angry, depressed, loved, unloved, and anxious. I feel all of these at the same time.

How? How does that even happen? How can I be both happy and sad, loved and unloved, and angry yet depressed?

I am confused.

My day went downhill and I need something to help it stop from getting any worse. Obviously, what I am doing isn't helping.

Any suggestions would be awesome!

It just doesn't seem normal to me. I am all of these.

Happy: I feel like everything is going to be okay. Maybe happy isn't quite the right word for it. It is probably better to just say that I am optimistic.

Dear Mom

I have a lot of issues with my mom. So, here is my attempt to write a letter to her to tell her how I feel...

Dear Mom,

Are you happy with the decisions you have made in your life so far? Was it really that bad of a life being the farmer's wife and raising 4 beautiful daughters?

Was it worth it leaving like you did?

You have missed out on a lot, you know. I grew up, with or without you. Dad did a fantastic job of raising us. You get no credit. You bailed.

I go to therapy now. Most of my issues stem from you.

The therapist and I agree that you have some mental issues. I, personally think that you had some serious post-partum depression. We'll never know though.

You called and said that you had another stroke. This would be the fourth one now and our response is still the same: We don't feel sorry for you.

I makes me sad, mom. It makes me sad to know that the only reason you even call is to make us feel sorry for you in some way.

You are selfish. Mothers are supposed to be selfless, not selfish.

Someday, in the distant, very distant, future I will be a great mom. I will raise the most beautiful and well behaved kids that have big hearts full of love and know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

I hope you are happy.

What My Future Holds

I have ordered a book recently online about teaching music. It is for my own personal enjoyment and growth as a musician and somday, a teacher.

This book has caused me to think about my life and what my future may have in store. I am not the type of person to make plans for everything, but I do like to have an outline.

My plan so far is to:

• Graduate college.
• Possibly get a masters...maybe. Who knows.
• Get a job.
• Get married.
• Have kids.

That's it.

I have a lot that is left to be filled in there. Such as, what do I want to do as far as a job, I kind of need a boyfriend first to even think about marriage, and so on.

Now that I have an outline dealing with my future family, education, and job, I feel as though I need one for my healing process, spiritual, and all of issues.

Here it is:

• Feel better than the day before.
• Love and serve with a happy heart.
• Learn to forgive.
• Keep going to therapy.
• Finally have my final meltdown and be on the downward slope in healing.

Those are my goals.

I don't really have a time frame for when I want them done. I guess, as long as I accomplish them, that is all that matters.

Wish me luck.

More Depression

Depression.

It has entered my life and is here to stay for a little while it seems.

I can't get it to go away. It just won't. I have tried everything that I can think of to make myself happy.

I have been holding back the tears for 3 days now. I don't want to cry anymore. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling pain. I want to feel happy all day until my head hits the pillow and I can dream nice dreams that don't make me wake up crying or screaming.

Every night that I have been home, I feel so far gone in my depression. The pit got deeper and scarier. I am stuck inside of it and I can't seem to get out. I just want to lie in bed all day and cry.

I need to cry, but I am scared of letting these emotions out. I don't want to feel them. They are too intense for me right now. I just want so badly to be happy.

All I ask is to be happy.

Rough Time With Nightmares

I have been having a rough time lately.

It has been hard. I am depressed and having nightmares again.

My most recent nightmare is this:

I am in a room on a rug. It is a very soft white rug. The floor underneath is black. I have no idea where I am.

The boy who abused me is there (Bob, is what we will call him).

He gets on top of me. He tells me to stay quiet.

I close my eyes and pray for anything to stop what is about to happen.

Then, I open them.

Instead of seeing the vast emptiness that was just there, I see everyone in my life that I love and love me back.

They are watching, or being forced to watch. I am not sure which.

He starts to rape me.

I am crying and trying to remain quiet. It is hard to though.

I see my family and friends crying and looking away or covering their faces. Some are ashamed of me, others are sad, upset, angry, or just look sorry for me.

Now, my family is there, all except my dad and my 2 sisters. The only family there are my extended family.

My friend who (now) has 3 little boys is right up front of all of them. She is crying the hardest and changing emotions constantly.

Finally, she lunges forward and tries to save me. She is the only one who tries.

I cry out to her, but it doesn't help. She is not able to reach me. It is as if there is something there that is keeping her from me.

I only hope - shattered.

That has been my nightmare for the last week and a half now. It causes me to have trouble getting to sleep.

Keep in mind that I was never raped by him. Thank God. He came very close, but he didn't.

What does this mean?

I need sleep...

Christmas!

Christmas will be here in just a few short days.

I am going to use this time to help myself (and hopefully others) to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

My friend just had her baby yesterday.

She had a natural birth. It wasn't planned that way, but it just happened.

Mary, Jesus' mother, had her baby boy in a stable where it is dirty, cold, and there were no pain meds.

And Mary did not have much choice in the matter either. She was chosen by God to give birth to Jesus and to be his mother.

She did it though, and she did it with a loving heart and was ready to battle what may with all of her might to make sure that her and her new baby were safe.

Not only did she obey God, but she did it with a happy heart.

I want to be more like Mary - I want to be able to obey God and have a happy heart.

I want to learn to be happy with my life every day. Not just every once in a while when I have a good day. I want to have a happy heart and cherish even the bad days.

Aggravation

I am so aggravated tonight. I can't seem to concentrate and think over it. The feeling is just too strong. I am just so cranky. I don't want to be mean to my friends, but I just feel like telling them all to just shut up and leave me alone.

My day was not very good too. I was nauseas all day and the only thing I could eat was some crackers. So, I didn't eat nearly all day because of it. I feel like crying. I am annoyed and cranky and I keep having flashbacks today. Today was just not a good day.

Is this normal?

I understand that people feel this way every once in a while, but is it normal to feel this at the same time nearly every day?

Any ideas?