Productive Day

So, yesterday was a relatively boring day. Today was a super productive day.

Here is my day:

• Woke up and had a bowl of cereal. (Mmmm)
• Started cleaning the house. We are getting air conditioning tomorrow. (Yay!)
• Practiced my audition music and got half of it memorized. (Yes!)

So, now (most of) the house is clean, i know my music (mostly) for marching band in 2 weeks, and I actually had breakfast this morning.

That might now sound like much. To me though, these are awesome accomplishments considering the last couple days I didn't even want to get out of bed.

I don't feel much better though. I feel like I just want to lay down and sleep all day. I know I can't do that though. That will make me feel worse.

Off I go, I am going to do more cleaning and/or practicing.

I hope this eventually helps me to feel a little better.

-Lara

Boring Day

Not much is really going on with me.

Actually, that is a lie. I just can't talk about it yet. I am not ready.

So, until then, I found a picture that cheered me up today. I hope you enjoy it.

Source of Sadness

Here is a journal entry that I want to share with you.

June 1, 2011
I feel sad, but hopeful. I feel this because...well, I don't really know. I just do.

I am thinking about what we talked about in counseling today. About how all the things that happened to me make me feel the way I do. I just keep thinking of my anger and sadness.

I was looking through my journal and saw this. It reminds me that the sadness that I have been feeling lately has a source and that it will pass.

It always does.

-Lara

Listening

I was looking through my journal a while ago; realizing that I haven't made an entry in a long time.

I then, came to the conclusion that that is because I have been using this blog in journal like ways, therefore taking away my need for a handwritten journal. This is not necessarily true though. I do love my handwritten journal. I feel that I can be more personal in there and actually use names and places and not have to worry about being judged by others reading it.

So, I have decided that I am going to now and then post some of my journal entries. Some will be from the past and some will be from the day I am writing. It all depends on how I feel and what I feel like sharing.

All I ask of you, is to listen and hopefully my journal entries on here will be able to give you as a reader a deeper connection with what I am going through.

So, here is my first entry:

May 21, 2011
I feel angry. I don't feel like anyone at home wants to listen to me. I said that I felt sad and my dad's response was to get over it and that everyone is tired of hearing me say that I am sad. That sadness is now mixed with anger. More anger than sadness now though.

I was thinking that my family should want to listen to my problems and help me feel better.

So, now I am listening to some relaxing music to try and calm down. I am also trying to remind myself that my family loves me, but this is not an easy thing to talk about or even think about.

Missing the Puppy

So, the last week my sister and I have been watching a wiener dog puppy for our older sister while she was away on vacation.

I love dogs, but this one was a handful.

I didn't think that I was going to miss her so much when she left.

I also forgot to take my meds...for three days...so, I am in a deep dark pit of depression, that's for sure. It isn't like I didn't take them on purpose. I was so busy the last couple of days in the evening and it just slipped my mind.

I feel so sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel ashamed.

I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I am going to be okay. I know that I will be, but it is always nice to hear someone else say it.

I wasn't feeling so crappy until my older sister came to take her dog home. Then, the helpless, hopeless, sad, feelings just ambushed me without a warning.

I feel so very alone.

I want need to cry. I can feel the tears burning my eyes, but they won't come out. It is more painful than actually crying. I thought that crying everyday was the worst thing, but feeling like you need to and not being able to is even worse.

I am going to go and try to go to bed now. I need some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

-Lara

Touching On Normal

Today, I experienced normal.

I had my usual suckish morning and early afternoon. I had my flashbacks, I went through my depressed feeling, feeling like I was alone and no one understands, blah blah blah.

Then, normal happened.

I have not experienced some real normal in a while. What I thought was normal before, really wasn't. It was just a better version of bad. It wasn't me and I wanted so badly to think that it was.

I shouldn't have tried to kid myself.

I am me. I have changed with this process, but I am still who I was before. I may think differently, maybe a little deeper, but I am me nonetheless. Normal for me is what I make of it.

I am actually starting to come to the conclusion that there really isn't a normal. There is a healthy and happy me that I need to get back to. I need to find that and live my life the way I need and want to live it.

Are you wondering how I came to all of these conclusions?

Well, I went to a friend's house today. The same one that I went to previous times, with the two little boys. The oldest one was getting into some trouble, so my friend, his mother, reprimanded him. She took his hand and told him that he needed to behave. He got upset for maybe a minute, but then he was laughing and smiling again. It didn't phase him. He knew that he did wrong and needed to be punished and told that he did something bad, but he didn't let it define him. He didn't dwell on it and cry for hours on end. He picked himself back up, accepted the fact that he needed to change so he could get what he needed and wanted and went on with his time playing.

Maybe I read too much into it. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I got that from him being punished for bad behavior. If you were there, you would probably have been touched in some way too. The way he handled it was marvelous. I couldn't even begin to try and describe how much that made me happy and most importantly, hopeful.

I need to keep the idea in my head that normal is me being healthy and happy. I will get there. Everything didn't happen overnight, so I can't expect to heal overnight either.

-Lara

Crying

I have never wanted to cry so bad in my life.

For the last two days, I feel as if all of my sadness is bottled up inside of me. I am honestly afraid that I am going to explode...or maybe implode? (That would be less messy.)

I have kind of been wanting to try and provoke tears or crying. I need to get it out. I feel stuck.

Remember that smothered feeling I had a while ago? Yeah, it's back and stronger than ever.

I honestly don't know if it would be a terrible idea to try and cry. I almost feel as if I would provoking it and trying to dwell on it. I know that I am not, but who makes themselves cry? I guess a girl who feels like she is going to go insane if she doesn't, that's who.

I think that if I could get out one heck of a great cry that I would feel ten times better. I wouldn't feel so trapped and lonely. I want to feel the sadness. That may sound strange, but I think I want to because I know that my emotions are a part of me and it bothers me that I can't express them very well, especially sadness. I can do happy and mad pretty well, but sadness doesn't seem to want and come out.

I'm stuck. I'm going to bed.

-Lara

The Past

I found a quote online that struck a chord with me and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

I don't know who said it, but it has got me thinking.

Even though what happened with "Bob" was terrible and impacted me in some negative ways, in a weird way, not everything is bad that came from what happened. I am now able to learn who I really am and how to work through problems in a healthy way.

From this quote, I also realized that sometimes, I have bad days. Those days suck hard core, but as long as I try my hardest to make my day better, that is all that matters - that I am trying to improve and get well.

On a slightly different note...

I work at a summer music camp and I was there this morning and I was having a high sensory morning. Things were not going very well. I had to leave the room for a little bit. I just couldn't handle it. I was so embarrassed.

Anyways, I need a nap. This chick is tired.

-Lara