I never knew it was possible to feel so calm, yet so angry all at the same time.
Let me tell you - it is.
What makes this whole situation worse is the fact that I don't really know why I feel so angry, yet so calm. I was talking with my friend via text messages a little bit ago and she mentioned someone and just reading that person's name in the message made me so mad. It isn't that I don't like the person - I do! We are really good friends and he has been one of the few good people to have helped me the most on this whole healing process. I just got so mad though!
Of course, I didn't say that I felt infuriated or totally pissed off. I just let it go. Why would something so small make my blood boil? A name. The name of a good friend - ticked me off.
My only conclusion is that my emotions don't make any sense to me anymore. Sometimes, they do make some sense and I feel normal for a little bit. Sometimes, though, I feel random craziness.
My anger though at the mention of my good friend does make some sense though, I realize now.
I was jealous.
Jealousy can take many different forms and mine was anger. My friend who was texting me was talking with the guy she mentioned and it bothered me.
I sound crazy, I know, but hear me out.
This guy has helped me so much and he has (according to my therapist) taken away some of my pain and took it upon himself to help me and fill a void in my life. I feel as if that doesn't happen with everyone and that that is special to some extent.
And when you put that situation on top of an already crap-tastic day, bam, you get crazy!
It makes some sense now...
What do you think?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy and Sad
Today was a weird mixture of happiness and sadness all at the same time. It was one of the most unusual experiences I have ever had.
It was not one of those, "I am sad. Now, I am happy."
It was more or less, "I am sad, no, I am happy, no, wait. I am both."
I don't really know if I liked or didn't like it. I think I am leaning more towards liking it.
I liked the fact that I was able to feel two different emotions at once and not feel completely out of control. I liked that it felt real. That sounds odd, I'm sure, but it felt like that it must be what it feels like when you are happy yet hear something sad and it makes your heart ache. It was kind of like that.
It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.
It was not one of those, "I am sad. Now, I am happy."
It was more or less, "I am sad, no, I am happy, no, wait. I am both."
I don't really know if I liked or didn't like it. I think I am leaning more towards liking it.
I liked the fact that I was able to feel two different emotions at once and not feel completely out of control. I liked that it felt real. That sounds odd, I'm sure, but it felt like that it must be what it feels like when you are happy yet hear something sad and it makes your heart ache. It was kind of like that.
It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Aggravation
I am so aggravated tonight. I can't seem to concentrate and think over it. The feeling is just too strong. I am just so cranky. I don't want to be mean to my friends, but I just feel like telling them all to just shut up and leave me alone.
My day was not very good too. I was nauseas all day and the only thing I could eat was some crackers. So, I didn't eat nearly all day because of it. I feel like crying. I am annoyed and cranky and I keep having flashbacks today. Today was just not a good day.
Is this normal?
I understand that people feel this way every once in a while, but is it normal to feel this at the same time nearly every day?
Any ideas?
My day was not very good too. I was nauseas all day and the only thing I could eat was some crackers. So, I didn't eat nearly all day because of it. I feel like crying. I am annoyed and cranky and I keep having flashbacks today. Today was just not a good day.
Is this normal?
I understand that people feel this way every once in a while, but is it normal to feel this at the same time nearly every day?
Any ideas?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Storms!
It is currently storming where I live.
I hear rain pelting the glass window, see flashes of lightning, and can hear rumbles of thunder.
It is refreshing in an odd sort of way.
Why, you may ask?
This storm that is washing over the part of the U.S. where I live, reminds me that every once in a while we as humans need a good storm now and then.
We need to be able to feel refreshed and new and be able to take a deep breath and feel cool clean air and not worry.
We need to be able to get through the scary part of the storm and feel the calm renewal that soon follows.
-Lara
I hear rain pelting the glass window, see flashes of lightning, and can hear rumbles of thunder.
It is refreshing in an odd sort of way.
Why, you may ask?
This storm that is washing over the part of the U.S. where I live, reminds me that every once in a while we as humans need a good storm now and then.
We need to be able to feel refreshed and new and be able to take a deep breath and feel cool clean air and not worry.
We need to be able to get through the scary part of the storm and feel the calm renewal that soon follows.
-Lara
Thursday, September 22, 2011
When To Probe and When Not To
Your friends and family care about you. I know mine do! So, as you go through this, they are going to want information right from the start or decide when you should tell what happened.
This happened to me. From what I have read from other blogs and heard from other people who have gone through similiar things, you will end up being probed for information sooner or later. It is only a matter of time. You are loved so much by these people and it scares them not to know what happened. It is human nature to automatically think the worst. They are worried and scared for you and your safety.
You need to understand something though - you need to tell who you feel you need or want to tell what happened. As much as you may love these people back, you are not helping anyone by pushing yourself to tell when you are not emotionally ready. If anything, I found that this may cause you to start to hide from people. You may start to hide information, emotions, and anything else that may be of use to get out in the open.
Your family and friends love you, but don't do anything you aren't ready to do!
-Lara
This happened to me. From what I have read from other blogs and heard from other people who have gone through similiar things, you will end up being probed for information sooner or later. It is only a matter of time. You are loved so much by these people and it scares them not to know what happened. It is human nature to automatically think the worst. They are worried and scared for you and your safety.
You need to understand something though - you need to tell who you feel you need or want to tell what happened. As much as you may love these people back, you are not helping anyone by pushing yourself to tell when you are not emotionally ready. If anything, I found that this may cause you to start to hide from people. You may start to hide information, emotions, and anything else that may be of use to get out in the open.
Your family and friends love you, but don't do anything you aren't ready to do!
-Lara
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I Am Thankful
I realized today that I have many things to be thankful for. I am very blessed and fortunate to have so many awesome people and things in my life.
Here is my list of things I am thankful for:
What are you thankful for today?
-Lara
Here is my list of things I am thankful for:
- Family
- Friends
- My professors
- The courage I have gained through this process
- A forgiving heart
- God and His presence
- The ability for me to learn when I need help
- Music
What are you thankful for today?
-Lara
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Importance of Writing
I learned a very important thing the last couple of days.
It is important to get out in the open what happened. It is hard and no one may really understand, but it has to be done to help yourself.
Your feelings and the facts that happened will not just go away no matter how hard you wish. They won't. Trust me. I tried. You will just feel worse.
I have been doing both telling people and writing it down. It helps me to feel better. Well, actually I feel worse first, but eventually I do feel better.
I am so sorry I have not been on here much. I am back in school and things are just crazy! I will try to write more! :)
-Lara
It is important to get out in the open what happened. It is hard and no one may really understand, but it has to be done to help yourself.
Your feelings and the facts that happened will not just go away no matter how hard you wish. They won't. Trust me. I tried. You will just feel worse.
I have been doing both telling people and writing it down. It helps me to feel better. Well, actually I feel worse first, but eventually I do feel better.
I am so sorry I have not been on here much. I am back in school and things are just crazy! I will try to write more! :)
-Lara
Monday, September 5, 2011
Journal Entry: Twinge of Sadness
July 2, 2011
I feel okay today. I have had a twinge of sadness though all day. I cleaned all day and to be honest, I think that that was what was keeping the sadness and depression at bay.
I really do think my medicine is working. It kind of baffles me to think that I am suffering from depression and PTSD. That is some intense stuff - and I had no idea. What a crazy and intense process this has been so far, but it is going to get easier. Thank God.
-Lara
I feel okay today. I have had a twinge of sadness though all day. I cleaned all day and to be honest, I think that that was what was keeping the sadness and depression at bay.
I really do think my medicine is working. It kind of baffles me to think that I am suffering from depression and PTSD. That is some intense stuff - and I had no idea. What a crazy and intense process this has been so far, but it is going to get easier. Thank God.
-Lara
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