Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I just wanted to take a moment to say happy new year and let you all know that I did not, in fact, drop off the face of the blogging world!

I have been so super busy!

One of my new year's resolutions is to blog more! Blogging helps me and helps you, so therefore, I should aim to do it more often!

As I was thinking back on 2012, I realized that I am very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for all of you who read/follow my blog. Thank you! Without you, I would not feel like I am talking to or helping anyone! Thank you!

It is time for me to go to bed.

Have a wonderful and prosperous new year! :)

Super Woman

I just now realized something. (I know, it is past my bedtime... but hear me out.)

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, babysit, church gigs, lesson work, ensembles, and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.

Doctor's Visit Gone Bad

I had another doctor's appointment to check on my ovarian cysts.

It was HORRIFIC. I have been told that I am just being too dramatic. I'm sorry, but to me, it was a very awful experience.

I go there expecting not much to be done except maybe a pelvic exam (which I have done before).

Nope.

My doctor wanted to do a pap smear because I turned 21 in August and because I have been bleeding massive amounts for no reason.

I was not mentally prepared for something like this. I tried to explain to her that it may not be a good idea to do it. She told me that I am just nervous and to just relax.

I tried to relax. It didn't work.

She gets the speculum in not even half way and I am freaking out. I am crying and shaking. She asked me if I was okay and I told her to just hurry up and do it. She pushed it in a bit more.

Nope.

I was done.

She told me that my muscles tensed up so much that she couldn't even get the speculum in the rest of the way, let alone finish the exam.

So, now that you know what happened, let's take a minute to talk about how that made me feel.

I felt like crap. I STILL feel like crap and this happened last Friday.

I feel so inadequate as a lady. Ladies should be able to get these things done and be able to be touched down there without freaking out.

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel such a baby.

I have been told by a few people that I shouldn't feel this way, but I really can't help it. I do and I won't feel better for a while I don't think.

I have been in a depressed slump ever since.

My friend came up with an idea to help me get past this. She told me that I need to take a vagina vacation. For a week or two, no one and nothing is coming near my vagina. I will also not discuss my vagina with anyone. I refuse to acknowledge it.

Sounds silly, but it just might work...

What the Heck!?

What the heck!?

My life is so messed up right now!

This guy that I have been talking to and I believe I have written about, have been talking about being in a relationship.

What I don't understand is that he goes from super flirty to wanting to just be friends. I get so confused. He says he has trouble opening up to people. I get that, but why does he have to make things so hard. Can't we just sit and talk and enjoy each other?

It doesn't have to be so hard!

I have enough issues with relationships since my abuse and I don't need more!

It scares the crap out of me thinking that there is a possibility that I could end up getting physically and emotionally close to someone.

At first it made me physically ill to think of it.

I am not so bad anymore. I just get super nervous and constantly think that I could get hurt. No matter how much I trust the person, I constantly think that I could be raped.

I need to work on that, but not with this guy. He doesn't respect me enough.

I need to work some stuff out here.

Any advice is greatly apprecitated!

Busy Summer

I want to start off by apologizing for not posting for a while!

Life has picked up its pace and I have been so busy!

I have been working with high school bands for the marching season that will be here soon in the fall!

I hope to be posting every spare chance I get!

I haven't stopped working on myself or thinking about life in general! Healing is still very much under way! I hope you are as well!

What I Want

I can't wait until I'm older.

That must sound silly for a 20 year old lady to be saying.

I can't wait to be 30 and have everything figured out. If everything isn't all figured out, I still feel that by then, I should have most of what I want out of life.

I want to be happy.

For some reason, in my mind, I get so stuck on being happy in my future, that I don't know how to be happy now. I'm trying though.

In my future I picture myself being a high school band director. I will have a family. A kid or two and a husband that loves me more than anyone has ever loved me.

I want to feel that love. I want it to embrace me every day all day. I want to be able to feel that if I mess up, that I will still be loved unconditionally and be told that it is okay.

I want to be told that I am beautiful.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be the perfect mommy someday. I want to take care of my children and be the mommy that I never really had.

I want to be the perfect wife. I want to make my husband happy and make it so that he can be proud of me.

I want to be it all. All of these things.

I know that being perfect is not going to happen, but I want to try.

I feel that if I can get all of these things to happen, then I will be happy.

Stuck In Circles

I have been getting stuck in circles lately.

I have come to the conclusion that as part of being human, getting caught in circles is a common way of living.

I feel that in order to get out of my path of continuing circles, something must change.

I work every day at trying to become a better person. In the beginning it was solely for the purpose of healing. Now, I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to make my life the way I want it to be. I feel more in control.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I feel needs to change.

The first thing that came to mind was being more independent. This pertains to my feelings, decisions, and religion. By independent, I mean that I need to think for myself and think about what is going to work for me. This feels selfish to me, but it is what I feel will help me be happy. I can't live other people's lives. I have to live my own.

I am also going around in circles with the abuse. There is no sense of closure about anything to do with it. I am still working on what I can do to help that feeling.

I am only going to be taking baby steps to make these circles a little wider so that it doesn't seem so much like a circle, just a big path. (I hope that makes sense.)

Baby steps.

Saying I Love You

I know I haven't been on here in a while! Sorry! Life seemed to pick up the pace a little bit and I was struggling to keep up! I've got life pretty much under control - or at least as much as a person can have life under control...


Anyways.


I was talking with my sister's kids on facebook the other day. I am not all that fond of my sister in the first place, but her kids wanted to talk to me, so I agreed. The kids never did anything to me.

The youngest got done talking and the last message she sent was, "I love you, aunt Lara."

Oh geez.

I have a rule that I live by. I don't know if it a good rule, but it seems to work for me.
Don't say "I love you" unless you mean it.

So, when my sister's daughter said she loved me, I froze. I ended up not responding. I felt bad, but I had to decide which was worse - saying an empty I love you or not responding. I chose not to respond.

To me, there is nothing worse than an empty "I love you."

I feel as though I have just had my fill of them and there is no need for them. They just hurt people.

They've hurt me, I know that.

In particular, my best friend in high school would say that she loved me everyday. I, of course, would say it back. I thought she meant it. I'm sure she did at one point. She was also the one that I went to first about the abuse. She didn't believe me and told my abuser what I told her, making the abuse a million times worse. I don't know about you, but to me, someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you. They wouldn't call you a liar and then make your life even worse.

That was when I stopped with saying "I love you" unless I mean it. Only a few people in my life get "I love you." Those people are my best friends and my family. No one else gets them.

Call me stingy, but that is how I feel.

Love is too precious to give away to people who don't deserve it.