Tuesday, November 8, 2011

So Much Anger

I never knew it was possible to feel so calm, yet so angry all at the same time.

Let me tell you - it is.

What makes this whole situation worse is the fact that I don't really know why I feel so angry, yet so calm. I was talking with my friend via text messages a little bit ago and she mentioned someone and just reading that person's name in the message made me so mad. It isn't that I don't like the person - I do! We are really good friends and he has been one of the few good people to have helped me the most on this whole healing process. I just got so mad though!

Of course, I didn't say that I felt infuriated or totally pissed off. I just let it go. Why would something so small make my blood boil? A name. The name of a good friend - ticked me off.

My only conclusion is that my emotions don't make any sense to me anymore. Sometimes, they do make some sense and I feel normal for a little bit. Sometimes, though, I feel random craziness.

My anger though at the mention of my good friend does make some sense though, I realize now.

I was jealous.

Jealousy can take many different forms and mine was anger. My friend who was texting me was talking with the guy she mentioned and it bothered me.

I sound crazy, I know, but hear me out.

This guy has helped me so much and he has (according to my therapist) taken away some of my pain and took it upon himself to help me and fill a void in my life. I feel as if that doesn't happen with everyone and that that is special to some extent.

And when you put that situation on top of an already crap-tastic day, bam, you get crazy!

It makes some sense now...

What do you think?


mile191 said...

Lara, thanks for stopping by my blog. I came by and wowzers...is it crazy but I completely understand you. Your writing makes sense to me and how you feel about stuff. You are perfectly normal in my world. Thanks for sharing. It is so refreshing to read and understand. Best to you. I put you on my blogroll so I will see you again soon!

Mile 191

Lara said...

Thanks so much for stopping by! It feels good to have someone that can relate to how you feel! I haven't been on here much lately, but I am going to try and post more frequently!