I had another doctor's appointment to check on my ovarian cysts.
It was HORRIFIC. I have been told that I am just being too dramatic. I'm sorry, but to me, it was a very awful experience.
I go there expecting not much to be done except maybe a pelvic exam (which I have done before).
My doctor wanted to do a pap smear because I turned 21 in August and because I have been bleeding massive amounts for no reason.
I was not mentally prepared for something like this. I tried to explain to her that it may not be a good idea to do it. She told me that I am just nervous and to just relax.
I tried to relax. It didn't work.
She gets the speculum in not even half way and I am freaking out. I am crying and shaking. She asked me if I was okay and I told her to just hurry up and do it. She pushed it in a bit more.
I was done.
She told me that my muscles tensed up so much that she couldn't even get the speculum in the rest of the way, let alone finish the exam.
So, now that you know what happened, let's take a minute to talk about how that made me feel.
I felt like crap. I STILL feel like crap and this happened last Friday.
I feel so inadequate as a lady. Ladies should be able to get these things done and be able to be touched down there without freaking out.
I am so ashamed of myself. I feel such a baby.
I have been told by a few people that I shouldn't feel this way, but I really can't help it. I do and I won't feel better for a while I don't think.
I have been in a depressed slump ever since.
My friend came up with an idea to help me get past this. She told me that I need to take a vagina vacation. For a week or two, no one and nothing is coming near my vagina. I will also not discuss my vagina with anyone. I refuse to acknowledge it.
Sounds silly, but it just might work...