I Found Him!

I Found him!

I found the right man for me. Turns out he was right under my nose for the last 3 years of my college career!

We are now "officially" dating. (Whatever that means...) We have been together for nearly a month now.

I have never been happier.

I had no idea that I could love someone so much. It is truly incredible.

What's even more incredible? He loves me back. Yep. He LOVES me. That still sounds odd to say or even read. That someone could LOVE me even with all of my faults.

See, Alan (which is what we will call him), knows about most of my past. He knows that I was abused for a year and a half. I ended up not being able to tell him, I was trying, but my friend told him for me, without me knowing! I wish that I could have been able to tell him, but it really isn't good conversation over dinner and there is no good way to start that kind of conversation.

So, now he knows. As soon as I saw him after he talked to my friend, he pulled me in for a big hug. He whispered to me that everything will be alright and that no matter what, he loves me. I asked him what happened because I was walking back from class and it threw me off a bit. He just looked at me and I knew that he knew. I started crying and he just held me and told me that he loved me and that we will work through it together.

He tells me that everyday. That he loves me. Sometimes multiple times a day. How did I get so lucky?

I found him.

He knows about my abusive past and still wants to be with me and loves me.

What an answer to a prayer! God really is good!

Alan has to be the best thing to have happened to me.

Right now, he is in Spain and I miss him terribly. He just called a few minutes ago. It was so wonderful to hear his voice. He will be back in a week, thank God. I have never missed someone so badly in my life. I will survive this though. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope they are right.

Happiness - who knew that I could remember what that feels like...

Endometriosis

I feel like I have been missing from my blog for a while now.

But do not fear, for I have returned!

I am so busy with school and everything is just so hectic! But I found a few minutes to write. I made the time (I was about to go crazy!).

So, I was/am having some health trouble. Let me tell you about that.

I went to a new gynecologist. She is so nice! I LOVE her. The best one I have ever been to!
She was so nice and so patient with me in explaining the reason I was crying at a doctors office for a pelvic exam. (It was the only time I have ever had a pelvic exam that I didn't totally freak out and lose it!)

Unfortunately, even though she was a sweetheart, I got some not so good news.

I kind of knew it was coming. My family doctor said that she thought I had it, but wasn't positive, so she sent me to see this kind doctor I mentioned above.

She said that she is 90% sure that I have endometriosis. (the link takes you to more info about endometriosis! I am no expert on it and am still learning too!)

She said that she can't be 100% sure, because the only way to do that is to have surgery. Umm...no thanks. Not unless I need it, and thankfully, I don't (yet...).

So, now not only am I trying to survive school, but I am trying to survive chronic pelvic pain and survive sexual abuse.

It will be ok though. I know it will. God has a plan for me. Maybe his plan is that I can help both people who have been abused and those with this disease. Maybe. I'm not going to try and figure out his plan. It is too great for me to comprehend anyways.

Well, that is what has been going on with me. I will try my best to write more frequently!

Dating

Here I go.

Time to vent about some things that have been on my mind for a while now.

I was told by one of my friends the other day that I am going to end up alone forever if I don't start dating right away. At first I believed him. I got kind of upset and a little frantic. I couldn't help but think that he was right. I am going to end up a dog lady (not a cat lady - I'm allergic).

He was making me feel like I am so abnormal because I am timid when it comes to the dating scene. I have every right to be timid when it comes to that too!

He doesn't really know my past, so who is he to judge me based on that?

I know that I need to get myself out there and try some dating, but I am so scared.

Who could ever love someone like me? I am so messed up that I am scared that once a guy finds this out, he will be heading for the door in a heartbeat.

Dating is scary for normal people, and it is a million times more so for me.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I just wanted to take a moment to say happy new year and let you all know that I did not, in fact, drop off the face of the blogging world!

I have been so super busy!

One of my new year's resolutions is to blog more! Blogging helps me and helps you, so therefore, I should aim to do it more often!

As I was thinking back on 2012, I realized that I am very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for all of you who read/follow my blog. Thank you! Without you, I would not feel like I am talking to or helping anyone! Thank you!

It is time for me to go to bed.

Have a wonderful and prosperous new year! :)

Super Woman

I just now realized something. (I know, it is past my bedtime... but hear me out.)

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, babysit, church gigs, lesson work, ensembles, and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.

Doctor's Visit Gone Bad

I had another doctor's appointment to check on my ovarian cysts.

It was HORRIFIC. I have been told that I am just being too dramatic. I'm sorry, but to me, it was a very awful experience.

I go there expecting not much to be done except maybe a pelvic exam (which I have done before).

Nope.

My doctor wanted to do a pap smear because I turned 21 in August and because I have been bleeding massive amounts for no reason.

I was not mentally prepared for something like this. I tried to explain to her that it may not be a good idea to do it. She told me that I am just nervous and to just relax.

I tried to relax. It didn't work.

She gets the speculum in not even half way and I am freaking out. I am crying and shaking. She asked me if I was okay and I told her to just hurry up and do it. She pushed it in a bit more.

Nope.

I was done.

She told me that my muscles tensed up so much that she couldn't even get the speculum in the rest of the way, let alone finish the exam.

So, now that you know what happened, let's take a minute to talk about how that made me feel.

I felt like crap. I STILL feel like crap and this happened last Friday.

I feel so inadequate as a lady. Ladies should be able to get these things done and be able to be touched down there without freaking out.

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel such a baby.

I have been told by a few people that I shouldn't feel this way, but I really can't help it. I do and I won't feel better for a while I don't think.

I have been in a depressed slump ever since.

My friend came up with an idea to help me get past this. She told me that I need to take a vagina vacation. For a week or two, no one and nothing is coming near my vagina. I will also not discuss my vagina with anyone. I refuse to acknowledge it.

Sounds silly, but it just might work...

What the Heck!?

What the heck!?

My life is so messed up right now!

This guy that I have been talking to and I believe I have written about, have been talking about being in a relationship.

What I don't understand is that he goes from super flirty to wanting to just be friends. I get so confused. He says he has trouble opening up to people. I get that, but why does he have to make things so hard. Can't we just sit and talk and enjoy each other?

It doesn't have to be so hard!

I have enough issues with relationships since my abuse and I don't need more!

It scares the crap out of me thinking that there is a possibility that I could end up getting physically and emotionally close to someone.

At first it made me physically ill to think of it.

I am not so bad anymore. I just get super nervous and constantly think that I could get hurt. No matter how much I trust the person, I constantly think that I could be raped.

I need to work on that, but not with this guy. He doesn't respect me enough.

I need to work some stuff out here.

Any advice is greatly apprecitated!

Busy Summer

I want to start off by apologizing for not posting for a while!

Life has picked up its pace and I have been so busy!

I have been working with high school bands for the marching season that will be here soon in the fall!

I hope to be posting every spare chance I get!

I haven't stopped working on myself or thinking about life in general! Healing is still very much under way! I hope you are as well!