Sunday, August 28, 2011


Everyone has memories.

I have some great ones. I have had so many amazing experiences and great times with friends that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Why is it though, that for every bad moment we have in our lives, we need about 20 good and happy memories to counteract it? Why is it harder to remember bad memories than good ones?

I have been pondering this lately.

I am going to therapy because of all that happened to me. All of these bad memories have been flooding me lately and sometimes it feels nearly impossible to function.

My thoughts on this (take them or leave them) are that it is human to recall terrible memories. It is what makes us human. It takes learning and accepting what has happened to be able to not need all of the millions and millions of good memories to overtake the bad ones.

What do you think?


Friday, August 26, 2011

Feelings I Can't Change

I can't change how I feel. It is real and they are a part of me. I have to learn to work through them and heal and learn to become a better version of me.

I feel trapped today. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get out. I can't escape this process and these feelings that keep coming back and are pressing down on me. They press so hard sometimes that I feel like I am sinking. I can't tell which way is up. I don't know what to do to make me feel any better.

I feel lost. No one understands. I know that they try, but it just doesn't cut it sometimes.

I feel longing. I miss what I used to feel. I used to be happy. I know that once this whole process is over that I will be a whole lot healthier and happier than I was.

I feel angry. I hate that he ruled my life for a year and a half. I hate that I had the feeling like he took parts of me away. I fought and feel like I lost. I lost the battle, but damn it, I haven't lost the war! The anger overtakes me sometimes and I get confused and don't know exactly why I am so angry and don't know how to channel my anger into something that is productive.

I feel drained. This whole process is long and hard and I have been fighting the whole time. It is like the story of the Greek God or whatever that has to push the boulder up hill for eternity. That is what it feels like sometimes. I don't feel like I am winning or making process. I get stuck and don't know how to change my stuck feeling to a feeling of process.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Melt Down

I am ashamed to say that today I had a total and complete melt down.

It happened. Again.

It happened once before, and I honestly thought that it would never happen again.

I got too tired, I guess. I don't know.

I had auditions today. That didn't really bother me. I was prepared and ready to go. I wasn't stressing it. I was in the middle of playing my piece to audition for wind ensemble and BAM flashbacks. They started and wouldn't stop. It was like tumbling down a hill and not being able to stop. I wanted so badly to make them stop; at least long enough for my audition to be over and done with.

To make things worse, I started to get upset that it was happening. I know that I can't really help it, it happens. I just want so badly to be able to do and be the best that I can be. It is so frustrating.

So, I melted down. I had to have 2 different people help me and soothe me and remind me where I was because sometimes, they get so bad, I can't tell where I am or who is around me. It is so scary.

It did make me realize today, that I am loved. There are at least four people who helped me today and made me feel better and get grounded. It is unfortunate that I had to realize I am loved through this situation.

I will survive this.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Game Plan

So, I have been having some problems lately.

I am back at school, like I said in my last post. I was doing really well considering me moving again from home and such. You know, the usual.

I needed a plan. I broke down in the middle of rehearsal during band camp. I couldn't do it. I was having flashbacks back to back and I was going to lose it. I was tired and school didn't even start yet.

So, my therapist and I worked out a "game plan" to help me out in the future with flashbacks and to help me ground myself.

Here is the plan:
  • I have to choose 3 adults and 3 friends whom I trust.
  • Each person gets a different job, but an adult and friend will share a job, so that I have two people to help out. It was stressed that it is imperative that adults are involved because of how no one listened to me when everything was happening back when it happened.
  • There are three jobs total. #1-to tell me physical truths, #2-to tell me emotional truths, and #3-to touch me (safely) and tell me who they are, where we are, and what is around us to keep me in the here and now.
That is the plan of action. I will let you know if it works!

What do you think?


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Crazy Happenings

Well, I haven't been on here in a while, that's for sure. I have been so busy. I moved back to school for the year, I have had band camp all week, and I am just trying to survive.

Things have been rough lately. Things aren't so bad that I am losing it or anything. Actually, I am having a great time at school so far. It felt great to see my friends again and be back to being super busy. I missed it.

Things are kind of hard though. I still have problems with flashbacks and such, and it is hard to get used to dealing with them while at school.

I will survive though. I always do.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sudden Anger

To me, the sadness I constantly feel is better than the anger that overtakes me. I would rather cry than feel irate (like right now).

Here is a list of what I feel at this very moment:
  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Loneliness
  • Ashamed
It has a way of  just downright bothering me. It makes me feel like a bully even when I am by myself. I think it has to do with how I was treated when I was being abused.

It overwhelms me. It has gotten better, but not enough. I hate being sad in happy situations.

I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of no one knowing how it feels. I feel so very alone.

I feel ashamed that I feel. I think that I shouldn't be going through all of this. I feel ashamed that I show my feelings and am not so tough as I would like to be. I am not who I want to be right now in this point of my life.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Journal Entry: Embarrassment

June 7, 2011
I feel embarrassed at everything that happened last night. I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself. I feel this way because I feel that I let myself get out of control last night emotionally. (I kind of lost it...)

I am thinking that is was going to happen eventually, so I guess it is better sooner than later. I think that I should be strong enough to keep it together and to never freak out. This is obviously not the case. No one is that strong.

So, last night I cried on the front porch while sending messages to a friend for support. I needed to be outside for fresh air. I needed some cold air on my face to help keep me grounded.

It was rough.


Thursday, August 4, 2011


The last time I was at a therapy session, we discussed my abandonment issues that I didn't know I had.

I guess I did have an idea that they were there. I just didn't know what that feeling was.

Tomorrow, I have to do something that I never imagined in a million years I would have to do.

I have to tell my band director tomorrow how I feel.

That may not sound like much, but hear me out. This is how I feel:
Along with the idea of being abandoned (more on how that came about later), I am scared to death of people leaving my life. If they mean anything to me, I don't want them to leave. Ever. With my band director, I love that man like a second father and I know he loves me like a daughter. In approximately five years though, he will be retiring as a music teacher. He told me that when he retires that he is going to move far away. That may not sound like a big deal. People move on with their lives, so why can't I? Why does it hurt me so much, physically and emotionally, at the thought of him not being in my life? Just the thought of not being able to go to his house when I need a laugh or to talk makes me so sad. My heart hurts.

I need to hear from his mouth, that he will never leave me. I can't stand to have him leave my life after being such a huge part of it. I had him for classes and different bands and ensembles for five years. He is the one that made me want to be a band director. I want to be like him some day.

This may seem a bit obsessive, but when someone has such a huge impact in your life, how can you not feel this way? I don't think it is obsessive at all. It is respect and love.

I just don't know how I am going to be able to tell him how I feel about this. I also have the need to please everyone. It can be a problem. I always feel that he is somehow disappointed in me, when I know that that is not the case. I need to be able to tell him that I need to know that he won't abandon me or stop loving me.

I hate this.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Another Journal Entry

June 3, 2011
I feel sad and depressed. I have flashbacks and I absolutely hate them! After they happen I feel smothered. It feels almost as if I can't breathe.

I find that this is very hard for me to write about. It is hard for me to talk about and think about and I wish that none of this ever happened.


Monday, August 1, 2011


There is hope.

That sounds silly. Everyone says it. It is the usual response to something bad that happened. "Have hope," they say.

But, they don't know. It is so easy to say to have hope; that life goes on and things get better. You will be assured of this a million times, I can promise you this.

The truth is: they don't understand. They just want you to feel better. Most of the time though, they want you to feel better, so that they can feel better about you not doing so well. Make sense? I read that somewhere...

What no one tells you though, when they are trying to make you feel better is that you will start to feel better if you WANT to feel better. Do you want to be better? Do you want to pick yourself up out of the dark pit of depression and start to live your life?

Don't get me wrong - it can't be done all by yourself. You might need a therapist, a doctor, friends, family, medicine, and so on. The point I am trying to make though, is that you need to want to get better.

I figured this out this weekend.

I learned the hard way.

This weekend, I spent more time in bed and crying than I have in a very long time. I was so far down in that deep pit of depression, I couldn't get out. I was stuck.

Then, it dawned on me. I need to get up. I need to do something. It didn't matter what it was, just as long as I was up and being productive.

You want to know what? It helped. Getting my butt up and out of bed, even though I wanted so badly to stay there and cry all day, helped me. It did wonders.

My piece of advice to you, is to get up and do something! Help yourself! It may take more help than just doing things to get you up and stop crying, but it is a start!