I feel guilt all the time.
When will it go away? Does it ever go away? What will it take to feel good and feel like I deserve what I have and how I feel?
The only time I don't feel guilty is when I am playing music. I think it is because I am sharing it with people and I get an amazing feeling of being able to put emotion into music and have others feel the same as I do for a minute or two.
Unfortunately, my heart feels heavy after those few minutes of relief are gone. How do I achieve this feeling of being loved and useful and not guilty while not having to play music?
Is it something that I am just going to have to learn to deal with?
If this is the case, I am not so sure I can do it. Sure, it helps me connect to the music easier, but in every day life, it emotionally hurts.
I am tired of my heart being heavy all the time.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A couple days ago I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control.
I know now that it wasn't.
It was just life.
Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.
I know that now.
Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.
Such is life, but I am living and learning.