More Depression

Depression.

It has entered my life and is here to stay for a little while it seems.

I can't get it to go away. It just won't. I have tried everything that I can think of to make myself happy.

I have been holding back the tears for 3 days now. I don't want to cry anymore. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling pain. I want to feel happy all day until my head hits the pillow and I can dream nice dreams that don't make me wake up crying or screaming.

Every night that I have been home, I feel so far gone in my depression. The pit got deeper and scarier. I am stuck inside of it and I can't seem to get out. I just want to lie in bed all day and cry.

I need to cry, but I am scared of letting these emotions out. I don't want to feel them. They are too intense for me right now. I just want so badly to be happy.

All I ask is to be happy.

Rough Time With Nightmares

I have been having a rough time lately.

It has been hard. I am depressed and having nightmares again.

My most recent nightmare is this:

I am in a room on a rug. It is a very soft white rug. The floor underneath is black. I have no idea where I am.

The boy who abused me is there (Bob, is what we will call him).

He gets on top of me. He tells me to stay quiet.

I close my eyes and pray for anything to stop what is about to happen.

Then, I open them.

Instead of seeing the vast emptiness that was just there, I see everyone in my life that I love and love me back.

They are watching, or being forced to watch. I am not sure which.

He starts to rape me.

I am crying and trying to remain quiet. It is hard to though.

I see my family and friends crying and looking away or covering their faces. Some are ashamed of me, others are sad, upset, angry, or just look sorry for me.

Now, my family is there, all except my dad and my 2 sisters. The only family there are my extended family.

My friend who (now) has 3 little boys is right up front of all of them. She is crying the hardest and changing emotions constantly.

Finally, she lunges forward and tries to save me. She is the only one who tries.

I cry out to her, but it doesn't help. She is not able to reach me. It is as if there is something there that is keeping her from me.

I only hope - shattered.

That has been my nightmare for the last week and a half now. It causes me to have trouble getting to sleep.

Keep in mind that I was never raped by him. Thank God. He came very close, but he didn't.

What does this mean?

I need sleep...

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Eve and I am irritated.

I love my family to pieces, but they annoy me. I don't mean my immediate family, I mean my extended family. You know, the aunts and uncles you only see on holidays.

They act fake.

I don't like fake.

They talk to your face and then turn around and whisper about you to someone else behind your back.

Not cool.

I have had enough of that crap to last me the rest of my life. I am over it.

It is Christmas though, so I am going to try and not let it bother me.

How am I going to do that, you may ask?

Simple.

I am going to ignore it. I am going to keep myself calm by doing deep breathing and know that I am true to myself and to others and that I do not partake in any of those childish backstabbing behaviors.

Anyways, I have to go to bed. Santa will be here soon! ;)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas!

Christmas will be here in just a few short days.

I am going to use this time to help myself (and hopefully others) to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

My friend just had her baby yesterday.

She had a natural birth. It wasn't planned that way, but it just happened.

Mary, Jesus' mother, had her baby boy in a stable where it is dirty, cold, and there were no pain meds.

And Mary did not have much choice in the matter either. She was chosen by God to give birth to Jesus and to be his mother.

She did it though, and she did it with a loving heart and was ready to battle what may with all of her might to make sure that her and her new baby were safe.

Not only did she obey God, but she did it with a happy heart.

I want to be more like Mary - I want to be able to obey God and have a happy heart.

I want to learn to be happy with my life every day. Not just every once in a while when I have a good day. I want to have a happy heart and cherish even the bad days.

Useful to Useless

I never knew it was possible to go from feeling useful to useless in a matter of seconds.

I got a phone call from my expecting friend who was on her way to the hospital to tell me that I did not have to watch her kids while she is in labor. Her mom and dad came down and she just so happened to start having her baby.

I was so sad.

I felt like I wasn't needed by anyone anymore.

I know, I blew everything way out of proportion. She had family there. Her dad would watch the kids and be able to take them to the hospital tomorrow to see their mother.

For some reason, I just felt so upset when she told me. I felt like I was never needed and there is no need for me.

It sounds silly, I know.

For some reason though, I feel as if all of my problems may be silly to others. It is just another one of my problems...

Creeping Crud

Hello all!

I haven't been on here much lately. Sorry! I got back from Chicago Friday night/Saturday morning. The trip was amazing! The best trip I have ever been on, by far! It was so cool!

Unfortunately, the trip made me so run down and exhausted (not that I wasn't already), that I got sick.

I have one of the worst head colds I have ever had. I am getting so sick and tired of blowing my nose!

It is hard trying to get ready for Christmas when I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.

I guess my depression doesn't help that much either.

On the bright side...

My friend sent me a text a few hours ago and told me that her 3 year old son, (whom I love to death!) woke up from his nap and told her what he dreamed about. He had a dream that him and I were planting yellow and pink flowers and watering them outside his house.

I was near tears when I read that one message! That boy has no idea how he makes me feel so loved. I think it is because he just does it naturally. He loves and does it without thinking or doubting his own feelings. It is so sweet!

I can't wait until I get to go visit them again! I know I will be soon, considering that she is due to have a baby any day now and I am the on call babysitter.

How has your day been?

It's Been A While

I know it has been quite a while since I have last posted.

Let me tell you what has been going on with me since I last posted:

• I finished another semester of college (semester #3).
• I am still going to therapy.
• I have had quite a few breakdowns/epiphanies.
• I learned that I have abandonment issues.
• We are putting in a new kitchen/dining room floor in our house.
• I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow for a music conference.

That is basically all I have been doing since last time. I have been super busy (obviously).

I have had some rough patches with healing though, but I survived and am better for it!

How have you been?

So Much Anger

I never knew it was possible to feel so calm, yet so angry all at the same time.

Let me tell you - it is.

What makes this whole situation worse is the fact that I don't really know why I feel so angry, yet so calm. I was talking with my friend via text messages a little bit ago and she mentioned someone and just reading that person's name in the message made me so mad. It isn't that I don't like the person - I do! We are really good friends and he has been one of the few good people to have helped me the most on this whole healing process. I just got so mad though!

Of course, I didn't say that I felt infuriated or totally pissed off. I just let it go. Why would something so small make my blood boil? A name. The name of a good friend - ticked me off.

My only conclusion is that my emotions don't make any sense to me anymore. Sometimes, they do make some sense and I feel normal for a little bit. Sometimes, though, I feel random craziness.

My anger though at the mention of my good friend does make some sense though, I realize now.

I was jealous.

Jealousy can take many different forms and mine was anger. My friend who was texting me was talking with the guy she mentioned and it bothered me.

I sound crazy, I know, but hear me out.

This guy has helped me so much and he has (according to my therapist) taken away some of my pain and took it upon himself to help me and fill a void in my life. I feel as if that doesn't happen with everyone and that that is special to some extent.

And when you put that situation on top of an already crap-tastic day, bam, you get crazy!

It makes some sense now...

What do you think?

Happy and Sad

Today was a weird mixture of happiness and sadness all at the same time. It was one of the most unusual experiences I have ever had.

It was not one of those, "I am sad. Now, I am happy."

It was more or less, "I am sad, no, I am happy, no, wait. I am both."

I don't really know if I liked or didn't like it. I think I am leaning more towards liking it.

I liked the fact that I was able to feel two different emotions at once and not feel completely out of control. I liked that it felt real. That sounds odd, I'm sure, but it felt like that it must be what it feels like when you are happy yet hear something sad and it makes your heart ache. It was kind of like that.

It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.

Aggravation

I am so aggravated tonight. I can't seem to concentrate and think over it. The feeling is just too strong. I am just so cranky. I don't want to be mean to my friends, but I just feel like telling them all to just shut up and leave me alone.

My day was not very good too. I was nauseas all day and the only thing I could eat was some crackers. So, I didn't eat nearly all day because of it. I feel like crying. I am annoyed and cranky and I keep having flashbacks today. Today was just not a good day.

Is this normal?

I understand that people feel this way every once in a while, but is it normal to feel this at the same time nearly every day?

Any ideas?

Storms!

It is currently storming where I live.

I hear rain pelting the glass window, see flashes of lightning, and can hear rumbles of thunder.

It is refreshing in an odd sort of way.

Why, you may ask?

This storm that is washing over the part of the U.S. where I live, reminds me that every once in a while we as humans need a good storm now and then.

We need to be able to feel refreshed and new and be able to take a deep breath and feel cool clean air and not worry.

We need to be able to get through the scary part of the storm and feel the calm renewal that soon follows.

-Lara

When To Probe and When Not To

Your friends and family care about you. I know mine do! So, as you go through this, they are going to want information right from the start or decide when you should tell what happened.

This happened to me. From what I have read from other blogs and heard from other people who have gone through similiar things, you will end up being probed for information sooner or later. It is only a matter of time. You are loved so much by these people and it scares them not to know what happened. It is human nature to automatically think the worst. They are worried and scared for you and your safety.

You need to understand something though - you need to tell who you feel you need or want to tell what happened. As much as you may love these people back, you are not helping anyone by pushing yourself to tell when you are not emotionally ready. If anything, I found that this may cause you to start to hide from people. You may start to hide information, emotions, and anything else that may be of use to get out in the open.

Your family and friends love you, but don't do anything you aren't ready to do!

-Lara

I Am Thankful

I realized today that I have many things to be thankful for. I am very blessed and fortunate to have so many awesome people and things in my life.

Here is my list of things I am thankful for:

• Family
• Friends
• My professors
• The courage I have gained through this process
• A forgiving heart
• God and His presence
• The ability for me to learn when I need help
• Music

Those are only some that I feel especially thankful for today! Only a small portion! I am so blessed!

What are you thankful for today?

-Lara

The Importance of Writing

I learned a very important thing the last couple of days.

It is important to get out in the open what happened. It is hard and no one may really understand, but it has to be done to help yourself.

Your feelings and the facts that happened will not just go away no matter how hard you wish. They won't. Trust me. I tried. You will just feel worse.

I have been doing both telling people and writing it down. It helps me to feel better. Well, actually I feel worse first, but eventually I do feel better.

I am so sorry I have not been on here much. I am back in school and things are just crazy! I will try to write more! :)

-Lara

Journal Entry: Twinge of Sadness

July 2, 2011
I feel okay today. I have had a twinge of sadness though all day. I cleaned all day and to be honest, I think that that was what was keeping the sadness and depression at bay.

I really do think my medicine is working. It kind of baffles me to think that I am suffering from depression and PTSD. That is some intense stuff - and I had no idea. What a crazy and intense process this has been so far, but it is going to get easier. Thank God.

-Lara

Memories

Everyone has memories.

I have some great ones. I have had so many amazing experiences and great times with friends that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Why is it though, that for every bad moment we have in our lives, we need about 20 good and happy memories to counteract it? Why is it harder to remember bad memories than good ones?

I have been pondering this lately.

I am going to therapy because of all that happened to me. All of these bad memories have been flooding me lately and sometimes it feels nearly impossible to function.

My thoughts on this (take them or leave them) are that it is human to recall terrible memories. It is what makes us human. It takes learning and accepting what has happened to be able to not need all of the millions and millions of good memories to overtake the bad ones.

What do you think?

-Lara

Feelings I Can't Change

I can't change how I feel. It is real and they are a part of me. I have to learn to work through them and heal and learn to become a better version of me.

I feel trapped today. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get out. I can't escape this process and these feelings that keep coming back and are pressing down on me. They press so hard sometimes that I feel like I am sinking. I can't tell which way is up. I don't know what to do to make me feel any better.

I feel lost. No one understands. I know that they try, but it just doesn't cut it sometimes.

I feel longing. I miss what I used to feel. I used to be happy. I know that once this whole process is over that I will be a whole lot healthier and happier than I was.

I feel angry. I hate that he ruled my life for a year and a half. I hate that I had the feeling like he took parts of me away. I fought and feel like I lost. I lost the battle, but damn it, I haven't lost the war! The anger overtakes me sometimes and I get confused and don't know exactly why I am so angry and don't know how to channel my anger into something that is productive.

I feel drained. This whole process is long and hard and I have been fighting the whole time. It is like the story of the Greek God or whatever that has to push the boulder up hill for eternity. That is what it feels like sometimes. I don't feel like I am winning or making process. I get stuck and don't know how to change my stuck feeling to a feeling of process.

Melt Down

I am ashamed to say that today I had a total and complete melt down.

It happened. Again.

It happened once before, and I honestly thought that it would never happen again.

I got too tired, I guess. I don't know.

I had auditions today. That didn't really bother me. I was prepared and ready to go. I wasn't stressing it. I was in the middle of playing my piece to audition for wind ensemble and BAM flashbacks. They started and wouldn't stop. It was like tumbling down a hill and not being able to stop. I wanted so badly to make them stop; at least long enough for my audition to be over and done with.

To make things worse, I started to get upset that it was happening. I know that I can't really help it, it happens. I just want so badly to be able to do and be the best that I can be. It is so frustrating.

So, I melted down. I had to have 2 different people help me and soothe me and remind me where I was because sometimes, they get so bad, I can't tell where I am or who is around me. It is so scary.

It did make me realize today, that I am loved. There are at least four people who helped me today and made me feel better and get grounded. It is unfortunate that I had to realize I am loved through this situation.

I will survive this.

-Lara

Game Plan

So, I have been having some problems lately.

I am back at school, like I said in my last post. I was doing really well considering me moving again from home and such. You know, the usual.

I needed a plan. I broke down in the middle of rehearsal during band camp. I couldn't do it. I was having flashbacks back to back and I was going to lose it. I was tired and school didn't even start yet.

So, my therapist and I worked out a "game plan" to help me out in the future with flashbacks and to help me ground myself.

Here is the plan:

• I have to choose 3 adults and 3 friends whom I trust.
• Each person gets a different job, but an adult and friend will share a job, so that I have two people to help out. It was stressed that it is imperative that adults are involved because of how no one listened to me when everything was happening back when it happened.
• There are three jobs total. #1-to tell me physical truths, #2-to tell me emotional truths, and #3-to touch me (safely) and tell me who they are, where we are, and what is around us to keep me in the here and now.

That is the plan of action. I will let you know if it works!

What do you think?

-Lara

Crazy Happenings

Well, I haven't been on here in a while, that's for sure. I have been so busy. I moved back to school for the year, I have had band camp all week, and I am just trying to survive.

Things have been rough lately. Things aren't so bad that I am losing it or anything. Actually, I am having a great time at school so far. It felt great to see my friends again and be back to being super busy. I missed it.

Things are kind of hard though. I still have problems with flashbacks and such, and it is hard to get used to dealing with them while at school.

I will survive though. I always do.

Sudden Anger

To me, the sadness I constantly feel is better than the anger that overtakes me. I would rather cry than feel irate (like right now).

Here is a list of what I feel at this very moment:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Loneliness
• Ashamed

Anger
It has a way of  just downright bothering me. It makes me feel like a bully even when I am by myself. I think it has to do with how I was treated when I was being abused.

Sadness
It overwhelms me. It has gotten better, but not enough. I hate being sad in happy situations.

Loneliness
I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of no one knowing how it feels. I feel so very alone.

Ashamed
I feel ashamed that I feel. I think that I shouldn't be going through all of this. I feel ashamed that I show my feelings and am not so tough as I would like to be. I am not who I want to be right now in this point of my life.

Journal Entry: Embarrassment

June 7, 2011
I feel embarrassed at everything that happened last night. I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself. I feel this way because I feel that I let myself get out of control last night emotionally. (I kind of lost it...)

I am thinking that is was going to happen eventually, so I guess it is better sooner than later. I think that I should be strong enough to keep it together and to never freak out. This is obviously not the case. No one is that strong.

So, last night I cried on the front porch while sending messages to a friend for support. I needed to be outside for fresh air. I needed some cold air on my face to help keep me grounded.

It was rough.

-Lara

Abandonment

The last time I was at a therapy session, we discussed my abandonment issues that I didn't know I had.

I guess I did have an idea that they were there. I just didn't know what that feeling was.

Tomorrow, I have to do something that I never imagined in a million years I would have to do.

I have to tell my band director tomorrow how I feel.

That may not sound like much, but hear me out. This is how I feel:
Along with the idea of being abandoned (more on how that came about later), I am scared to death of people leaving my life. If they mean anything to me, I don't want them to leave. Ever. With my band director, I love that man like a second father and I know he loves me like a daughter. In approximately five years though, he will be retiring as a music teacher. He told me that when he retires that he is going to move far away. That may not sound like a big deal. People move on with their lives, so why can't I? Why does it hurt me so much, physically and emotionally, at the thought of him not being in my life? Just the thought of not being able to go to his house when I need a laugh or to talk makes me so sad. My heart hurts.

I need to hear from his mouth, that he will never leave me. I can't stand to have him leave my life after being such a huge part of it. I had him for classes and different bands and ensembles for five years. He is the one that made me want to be a band director. I want to be like him some day.

This may seem a bit obsessive, but when someone has such a huge impact in your life, how can you not feel this way? I don't think it is obsessive at all. It is respect and love.

I just don't know how I am going to be able to tell him how I feel about this. I also have the need to please everyone. It can be a problem. I always feel that he is somehow disappointed in me, when I know that that is not the case. I need to be able to tell him that I need to know that he won't abandon me or stop loving me.

I hate this.

-Lara

Another Journal Entry

June 3, 2011
I feel sad and depressed. I have flashbacks and I absolutely hate them! After they happen I feel smothered. It feels almost as if I can't breathe.

I find that this is very hard for me to write about. It is hard for me to talk about and think about and I wish that none of this ever happened.

-Lara

Hope

There is hope.

That sounds silly. Everyone says it. It is the usual response to something bad that happened. "Have hope," they say.

But, they don't know. It is so easy to say to have hope; that life goes on and things get better. You will be assured of this a million times, I can promise you this.

The truth is: they don't understand. They just want you to feel better. Most of the time though, they want you to feel better, so that they can feel better about you not doing so well. Make sense? I read that somewhere...

What no one tells you though, when they are trying to make you feel better is that you will start to feel better if you WANT to feel better. Do you want to be better? Do you want to pick yourself up out of the dark pit of depression and start to live your life?

Don't get me wrong - it can't be done all by yourself. You might need a therapist, a doctor, friends, family, medicine, and so on. The point I am trying to make though, is that you need to want to get better.

I figured this out this weekend.

I learned the hard way.

This weekend, I spent more time in bed and crying than I have in a very long time. I was so far down in that deep pit of depression, I couldn't get out. I was stuck.

Then, it dawned on me. I need to get up. I need to do something. It didn't matter what it was, just as long as I was up and being productive.

You want to know what? It helped. Getting my butt up and out of bed, even though I wanted so badly to stay there and cry all day, helped me. It did wonders.

My piece of advice to you, is to get up and do something! Help yourself! It may take more help than just doing things to get you up and stop crying, but it is a start!

-Lara

Productive Day

So, yesterday was a relatively boring day. Today was a super productive day.

Here is my day:

• Woke up and had a bowl of cereal. (Mmmm)
• Started cleaning the house. We are getting air conditioning tomorrow. (Yay!)
• Practiced my audition music and got half of it memorized. (Yes!)

So, now (most of) the house is clean, i know my music (mostly) for marching band in 2 weeks, and I actually had breakfast this morning.

That might now sound like much. To me though, these are awesome accomplishments considering the last couple days I didn't even want to get out of bed.

I don't feel much better though. I feel like I just want to lay down and sleep all day. I know I can't do that though. That will make me feel worse.

Off I go, I am going to do more cleaning and/or practicing.

I hope this eventually helps me to feel a little better.

-Lara

Boring Day

Not much is really going on with me.

Actually, that is a lie. I just can't talk about it yet. I am not ready.

So, until then, I found a picture that cheered me up today. I hope you enjoy it.

Source of Sadness

Here is a journal entry that I want to share with you.

June 1, 2011
I feel sad, but hopeful. I feel this because...well, I don't really know. I just do.

I am thinking about what we talked about in counseling today. About how all the things that happened to me make me feel the way I do. I just keep thinking of my anger and sadness.

I was looking through my journal and saw this. It reminds me that the sadness that I have been feeling lately has a source and that it will pass.

It always does.

-Lara

Listening

I was looking through my journal a while ago; realizing that I haven't made an entry in a long time.

I then, came to the conclusion that that is because I have been using this blog in journal like ways, therefore taking away my need for a handwritten journal. This is not necessarily true though. I do love my handwritten journal. I feel that I can be more personal in there and actually use names and places and not have to worry about being judged by others reading it.

So, I have decided that I am going to now and then post some of my journal entries. Some will be from the past and some will be from the day I am writing. It all depends on how I feel and what I feel like sharing.

All I ask of you, is to listen and hopefully my journal entries on here will be able to give you as a reader a deeper connection with what I am going through.

So, here is my first entry:

May 21, 2011
I feel angry. I don't feel like anyone at home wants to listen to me. I said that I felt sad and my dad's response was to get over it and that everyone is tired of hearing me say that I am sad. That sadness is now mixed with anger. More anger than sadness now though.

I was thinking that my family should want to listen to my problems and help me feel better.

So, now I am listening to some relaxing music to try and calm down. I am also trying to remind myself that my family loves me, but this is not an easy thing to talk about or even think about.

Missing the Puppy

So, the last week my sister and I have been watching a wiener dog puppy for our older sister while she was away on vacation.

I love dogs, but this one was a handful.

I didn't think that I was going to miss her so much when she left.

I also forgot to take my meds...for three days...so, I am in a deep dark pit of depression, that's for sure. It isn't like I didn't take them on purpose. I was so busy the last couple of days in the evening and it just slipped my mind.

I feel so sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel ashamed.

I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I am going to be okay. I know that I will be, but it is always nice to hear someone else say it.

I wasn't feeling so crappy until my older sister came to take her dog home. Then, the helpless, hopeless, sad, feelings just ambushed me without a warning.

I feel so very alone.

I want need to cry. I can feel the tears burning my eyes, but they won't come out. It is more painful than actually crying. I thought that crying everyday was the worst thing, but feeling like you need to and not being able to is even worse.

I am going to go and try to go to bed now. I need some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

-Lara

Touching On Normal

Today, I experienced normal.

I had my usual suckish morning and early afternoon. I had my flashbacks, I went through my depressed feeling, feeling like I was alone and no one understands, blah blah blah.

Then, normal happened.

I have not experienced some real normal in a while. What I thought was normal before, really wasn't. It was just a better version of bad. It wasn't me and I wanted so badly to think that it was.

I shouldn't have tried to kid myself.

I am me. I have changed with this process, but I am still who I was before. I may think differently, maybe a little deeper, but I am me nonetheless. Normal for me is what I make of it.

I am actually starting to come to the conclusion that there really isn't a normal. There is a healthy and happy me that I need to get back to. I need to find that and live my life the way I need and want to live it.

Are you wondering how I came to all of these conclusions?

Well, I went to a friend's house today. The same one that I went to previous times, with the two little boys. The oldest one was getting into some trouble, so my friend, his mother, reprimanded him. She took his hand and told him that he needed to behave. He got upset for maybe a minute, but then he was laughing and smiling again. It didn't phase him. He knew that he did wrong and needed to be punished and told that he did something bad, but he didn't let it define him. He didn't dwell on it and cry for hours on end. He picked himself back up, accepted the fact that he needed to change so he could get what he needed and wanted and went on with his time playing.

Maybe I read too much into it. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I got that from him being punished for bad behavior. If you were there, you would probably have been touched in some way too. The way he handled it was marvelous. I couldn't even begin to try and describe how much that made me happy and most importantly, hopeful.

I need to keep the idea in my head that normal is me being healthy and happy. I will get there. Everything didn't happen overnight, so I can't expect to heal overnight either.

-Lara

Crying

I have never wanted to cry so bad in my life.

For the last two days, I feel as if all of my sadness is bottled up inside of me. I am honestly afraid that I am going to explode...or maybe implode? (That would be less messy.)

I have kind of been wanting to try and provoke tears or crying. I need to get it out. I feel stuck.

Remember that smothered feeling I had a while ago? Yeah, it's back and stronger than ever.

I honestly don't know if it would be a terrible idea to try and cry. I almost feel as if I would provoking it and trying to dwell on it. I know that I am not, but who makes themselves cry? I guess a girl who feels like she is going to go insane if she doesn't, that's who.

I think that if I could get out one heck of a great cry that I would feel ten times better. I wouldn't feel so trapped and lonely. I want to feel the sadness. That may sound strange, but I think I want to because I know that my emotions are a part of me and it bothers me that I can't express them very well, especially sadness. I can do happy and mad pretty well, but sadness doesn't seem to want and come out.

I'm stuck. I'm going to bed.

-Lara

The Past

I found a quote online that struck a chord with me and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

I don't know who said it, but it has got me thinking.

Even though what happened with "Bob" was terrible and impacted me in some negative ways, in a weird way, not everything is bad that came from what happened. I am now able to learn who I really am and how to work through problems in a healthy way.

From this quote, I also realized that sometimes, I have bad days. Those days suck hard core, but as long as I try my hardest to make my day better, that is all that matters - that I am trying to improve and get well.

On a slightly different note...

I work at a summer music camp and I was there this morning and I was having a high sensory morning. Things were not going very well. I had to leave the room for a little bit. I just couldn't handle it. I was so embarrassed.

Anyways, I need a nap. This chick is tired.

-Lara

The Annoyance of All This

One word that would perfectly describe today would be annoyed.

I don't really know why. I just am. I am thoroughly annoyed. I usually don't get annoyed.

This whole process is bugging the crap out of me today. I can't seem to want to do anything but sleep or cry lately. Today, not so much, but the fact that I feel that way in general annoys me.

I don't have much that I really want to talk about tonight. I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience with myself to try and put it into words so it is actually understandable.

My deepest apologies.

-Lara

Sunrises and Sunsets

Have you ever sat and watched the sun rise? Have you ever really watched? Stayed up all night and took in the experience? How about a sunset?

Where I live, the sun has already set and most of my family are in bed.

I was doing some stumble upon and a picture of a sunset came up. It was breath taking. Then, I realized that the last time I watched the sun rise, actually watched it, was my junior year of high school. Even then, I think I took it for granted and just brushed it off as another thing that is just part of life.

The thing is, it isn't guaranteed. Life is a gift. Every day, every minute is time you have to cherish.

So, I started looking up more pictures of sunsets and sunrises. It suddenly hit me while I was doing this - sunsets and sunrises are a lot like what I am going through right now in my life. I can totally relate to them. It may sound like I am crazy saying that. How can I possibly relate to something that most people don't even notice? You'll see.

Here's how:
Today, I was talking with a friend and he asked me how I am doing. We talked for a little while and before we went our separate ways, he said, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith. I love you." Those words made me stand still. I couldn't respond. This man, that I have known since I was 14, didn't judge me. Instead, he showed his love and acceptance. He was genuine and when some moments get hard, I try to remind myself of what he said. I had a bad time this evening and I thought of what he said, and it grounded me. I felt safe and loved.

The light at the end of the tunnel is like a sunrise. It is dark and scary, but soon enough, the light shines through the darkness. Things become less scary. The thing that you saw outside was not the monster you thought it was, only a tree. There is no creature in your closet, just your clothing. Things become clearer. Things get easier to see.

But, just like the sunset, things can get dark again. The frightening feeling comes back and the panic. The feeling of being alone in the dark and no one understands you. It is real. It is there. In time though, the sunset will happen and the time in the dark will be over.

-Lara

One Yucky Day!

I had one yucky day. That is the only way to describe it. Yucky.

I have been kind of down for a few days. Then, I had counseling. Usually, after my session I feel really good. I have my head on straight and it is the easiest time for me to think clearly and make sense of some things. This week - eh, not so much.

For some reason, I went to therapy feeling like crap and left feeling the same way. I felt like I didn't accomplish anything and nothing was really discussed that we haven't already talked about. I feel like we are repeating ourselves. It sucks. I want results and I want to feel at least a little better when I leave a session.

I know that this whole process is a long term thing, but I at least want to leave and feel like I have at least talked about something that has been on my mind and make my head and heart feel a little lighter.

I'm tired. I am going to go to bed. This whole week is going to suck, I get the feeling. Two bad days in a row...not good.

-Lara

Normal Day

For the first time in a very long time, I had a normal day.

Well, allow me to explain. I had a normal day in terms of how insane and out of whack my days have been lately.

I went to the last graduation party of the year that I was invited to. It was OK. It was like any other graduation party.

What made today so...normal was the fact that I didn't have a high sensory day.

Now, I have never actually described a high sensory day in any of my posts, I don't think. I will explain.

A high sensory day for me is one heck of a rough day. It is when I have a high amount of flashbacks in a day. I can feel like I am being touched, I can hear the same sounds from the incidents, can smell the same smells, and can feel the same emotions from when everything happened. All of these are very overwhelming and are all from when the abuse was happening.

It is nearly impossible to describe how it feels and what I am going through. One day, I will try though. When I am having a bad high sensory day I will write about how I am feeling. Maybe one of you feel the same and can relate. Maybe even give me some advice?

-Lara

And the Dreams Just Keep Coming

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

At least they aren't nightmares!

The strange dreams just keep on coming and I honestly don't know what to think of them. I know one thing for sure though: they all have the same theme.

The theme is me trying to get everything out that I feel and not only that, but the people I tell understand how I feel and what I mean when I describe things to them.

I get to a point where I feel stuck sometimes. That is the only word I can think of to describe it - stuck. I get flashbacks and I want so badly to just say how I feel and what I am going through and not have questions asked or feel like someone is doubting me.

And all of this thinking started with a dream.

I want with every fiber of my being, to be able to explain and describe how I feel to people and have them truly understand. When I find out how to do that, I will be posting up a storm to let all of my readers know. It will be epic.

After my odd dream, I started to think of my journey. It is like one heck of a crazy roller coaster. Right now, I am in a huge dip and climbing the hill back up. Each time though, the hills get higher and the dips get less low. I am rising. I am climbing out of this and finding out who I am. This may have happened to me, but it doesn't define me.

I am me.

-Lara

Not Everyone Helps

I had a realization last night. I think I knew this all along, but it just really kicked in last night.

Not everyone helps you. Not everyone WANTS to help you.

I know it sounds kind of terrible to say that not everyone wants the best for you and wants you to get better, but it is true. Some people just don't care how you feel and how well you are doing in this process.

I came to realize this last night when I was talking to a friend online who has gone through what similar stuff I have been through, except he is a guy. We were talking and I don't know if what happened to him just made him the way he is, but he was very straight forward and blunt. He didn't care how his words would affect you or how you took what he said. All he knew was that what he was saying was making him feel better.

To me, that is selfish. In my opinion, when you are talking to someone and trying to make them feel better about what they are going through, that is all you should really be caring about. Don't try to get the most out of it for yourself. It should be a give and take kind of situation. I was doing a lot of giving and wasn't getting much in return and I really don't think he cared.

This bothered me for a while. Unfortunately, when I was talking to him, it was right before I was going to go to sleep, so this was on my mind for a while until I could come to a reasonable explanation as to why someone who has gone through hell wouldn't want to help someone else who has the same feeling. It baffles me, but I guess everyone was brought up differently and has different backgrounds. I guess I just have to respect that, so that is what I am trying to do.

I dare you to make a difference and lend a helping hand to those who are suffering in an emotional way and be there to listen, dry tears, and do whatever they ask of you.

So, remember, not everyone has your best interest at heart and really don't give a crap what happens to you. In my opinion though, those people aren't worth your time and effort, so do what they are doing to you and just let them go.

What do YOU think?

-Lara

Messed Up Feelings

I have been having some pretty messed up feelings lately.

Today is the feeling of not being loved. It isn't the feeling of not being loved by my family. I feel unloved by my friends. I know that my friends love me, but it just doesn't feel like it today.

None of my friends have done anything to make me feel not loved or anything. If anything, I should feel like the most loved person. I get invited places and hang out with them all the time.

I just don't feel so loved today.

I think it is the depression beast. It keeps rearing its darn head and throws me off.

I need a therapy session pronto. Unfortunately though, I don't have one until the 11th. Ugh. I have to survive this whole week without the help of a therapist. I feel alone on this. I don't like it, that's for sure.

I definately need to get rid of this not feeling loved thing if I am going to make it this week without a total freak out. I haven't had one of those in a long time, by the way.

Wish me luck and prayers to get through this day without crying.

-Lara

Happy July!

Happy first day of July, everyone!

I had a pretty good day. I started off today in a good mood and that lasted nearly all day. Just recently I felt angry, so I worked out to get rid of some of my anger. It worked.

I have been super tired all the time lately. I really don't know why. Yesterday, I slept, literally, all day. I don't know what my problem is. I have three guesses though. Number one, my medicine is making me super sleepy. Number two, I am worn out because I didn't get a good night sleep the other night. And number three, the depression beast has reared it's ugly head and I am trying to battle it.

For some reason, the whole depression thing makes me sleepy. Therapy sessions make me sleepy too. I think it is because I have to work so hard to think and remember things that hurt me to remember and think about.

So, Sunday I have to go to a graduation party. That is nothing new. Today, though, I got a text from the girl who invited me and she warned me that the boy's family who abused me will be there. She told me that she doesn't think that he will show up, but she doesn't know. I have no idea what to do. I am really good friends with her, and I hate the fact that he is still running my life by making me not go places I want to go. It scares me though. I know he won't do anything in front of a large group of people, but it makes me super uneasy. I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

-Lara

What a Wonderful Day

I had a couple of awesome days here. Not only am I happy that I had some great days, but they were in a row! For two days in a row, I have been feeling genuinly happy.

I went to my friend's house yesterday. The one I talked about in an earlier post with the two boys. It was so much fun!

Because of me going to her house and playing with her boys, I am now in a great mood. Also, I think that my medicine is helping a ton!

I just can't help but think that tomorrow won't be as good as today or yesterday. With my good days being much more frequent and better, my bad days seem so much worse. I think that I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but sometimes things are worth repeating, right?

I don't know, I just pray that tomorrow is good. It doesn't have to be great, but I am hoping for good. I am also praying that the constant feeling of being ashamed doesn't bombard me tomorrow either.

Well, I am going to go to bed and sleep some more. I have been sleeping all day, but that is one thing about depression - I sleep a lot.

-Lara

More Weird Dreams

Since I have been put on Prozac I have been having some really crazy dreams.

I wrote once about a weird dream that I had.

Well, since then I have had some weird and crazy ones.

Every dream that I have involves people I know and places I have been. None of them seem to make much sense to me though.

One thing that every dream that I have has in common is me trying to tell someone I know that I need time to be alone and to heal. Every single one is like that.

It is odd in the first place that I am even dreaming. I usually don't dream unless I have a high fever. This medicine has got me dreaming nearly every night. I don't mind it, but it isn't normal for me.

What do you think?

-Lara

New Therapist

I am seeing a new therapist as of today. My other one only has an 11 month contract, so she set me up with the new one.

I had my first appointment today. I am very excited about how much I am going to accomplish with her. I think that it is a good step in the right direction.

She was so nice and understanding. I think that that is what I have been missing. Understanding. I mean, my old counselor was great and everything, but she never went through anything like this. The new therapist did, so I feel that she knows the process more personally and how to overcome these obstacles that I am dealing with. I feel hopeful.

-Lara

The End Is Near (I Hope)

I am waiting for the end.

Not in the way you are probably thinking. I do not mean the end of the world or what have you.

I am waiting for the end of this process. I can not wait for that day to come. I know it really isn't going to just be a day and "ta-da," all better. No, it is going to take a little more time after that, but I think that this whole healing process is well worth the hard work and the pain. I want need to be better. I need to think in healthier ways and be a new normal.
That is one thing I am excited for; making a new normal. My counselor said that we are going to one day after all this is coming to a lovely end, make a new normal for me and define what exactly that means and how that would affect me and those around me.
I was talking to my counselor about how this "ending" is going to happen. She told me that right now my mind is trying to piece everything together like a gigantic puzzle.

My mind has to put everything together and then come to terms with the emotional part as well. Right now my mind is a little behind emotionally when it comes to putting this stuff together. I guess that is why I cry randomly, which isn't so random. I was told that when my mind decides to put everything in place with emotions, that freaking out is a possibility. Great.
It is worth it though. The counselor also told me that the end could come any time. Next week or years from now. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I just hope that I am ready when it does.
What do you think?

-Lara

One Heck of a Great Day!

I had an absolutely fantastic day! I haven't had one of those in a long time. It felt just awesome!

I decided to start working out to help with my sadness and anger. I don't know, it seems like a good idea. Hopefully, I will also drop a few pounds too! I wouldn't mind that either.

I then went to my friend's house. She has two little boys and they are so fun and adorable. If anything they made me laugh more than I have laughed in a long time. They are just too darn cute and so much fun! They are 2 and 1 years old. The perfect ages, in my opinion!

We finished mulching a flower bed outside. Have you ever tried to do that with a 2 and 1 year old? It was hard, but so much fun!

Then, we went for a walk, or an "adventure," which is what we called it to get the boys excited.

Then, we had dinner and played for a little bit, and then it was time for bed. The bath and bed routine was probably one of my favorite parts of the evening.

I haven't had a day like this in such a long time. I laughed and didn't think about all the bad. I was able to have fun and let loose and just laugh until it hurt. It was wonderful. Of course though, the depression beast makes me think negatively sometimes. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that a bad day is going to be soon to follow. It always does. I am going to try not to think about that though. I don't want to ruin today.

What was your day like?

-Lara

I Am Exhausted

I think my title pretty much says it all, don't you think?

I had counseling this morning, just like any other Wednesday for me this summer. I woke up at 7am and got a shower and got dressed and ready to go.

I wasn't tired when I woke up. I am quite the morning person actually. I used to sing every morning while getting ready for school and my sister would get so angry at me. I love morning. It reminds me that God blessed me with a new day and I should live as much as I can in the time that He has given us.

Anyways, I went to counseling and it lasted for an hour. Then I went to a friend's house for lunch. By the time we were done eating lunch I could barely keep my eyes open. I actually had trouble driving home from the counseling session. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep while driving! I didn't, but I was so tired.

I get so exhausted after my counseling sessions. I think it is mental exhaustion. I have to work so hard to think and to try and remember what happened and to get up the courage to talk about things that I have never talked about. It makes me tired just thinking about it! It takes so much energy that it is nearly impossible to explain.

With that note, this girl is going to go take a much needed nap!

Have you felt tired after counseling sessions?

-Lara

Relaxing Tonight

So, tonight, while doing absolutely nothing, I decided to watch some T.V.

Bad idea.

This has nothing to do with abuse, just so you know. I was just trying to get my mind off of my crazy emotions, so I turned on the tube.

I am watching America's Got Talent. I don't know if you have ever seen it, but there are some crazy people on there. There are some crazy, terrible people with terrible talents. I wouldn't even go so far to call it having talents!

Even though half of what I am watching is horrific, it is making me laugh. I have not laughed so hard at something so stupid. The stupidity though, in an odd way, brightened my day and made me a little happier. Maybe it made me happy to know that I am not that dumb. I don't know.

Then, on the other hand, there are such talented people on that show and that made me happy too.

So, as weird as it may seem, this show made my anger and sadness stay at bay keep me feeling mellow.

Thank you, America's Got Talent, for making me smile tonight. :)

-Lara

Twitter!

I now have a twitter account that links to my blog! I urge you to check out my twitter page and follow me! I am trying to grow my blog and viewers, but that can't happen without your help and following me!

Here is the link!  http://twitter.com/#!/SurviveAndHeal

Have a lovely evening, and thanks! :)

-Lara

A Valuable Lesson

A very valuable lesson was learned today.

I have facebook, like many others all over the world. I like to use quotes as my status updates because to be honest, I think that saying that you are going to the kitchen to get a sandwich or going to the bathroom is dumb and no one really cares. So, I try to use quotes that I find online. Not just any quotes though, they have to have meaning and relate to what is going on in my life.
Unfortunately, my attitude has been kind of down lately and dark. Consequently, my quotes have been too.
To be honest, I really don't want people to comment on my status. I put it up for me about 90% of the time and no one else, but I like to share and hope that someone else may read it and get some good out of it.

So, my friends started to notice that I am kind of down lately and I was able to just brush it off and be like, oh those are all just quotes. End of story. Then, my family started to get involved. I'm not talking like brothers and sisters, but my aunts and stuff. They like to gossip and it drives me bonkers! So, what do they do? They all start calling each other and asking what is wrong with poor Lara.

I eventually caught wind of this. I was furious. I have never been that mad in my life. I was crying and just irate. I had to then tell my dad that the aunts knew something was up and he got upset saying they need to mind their own business and I agreed, but there is really nothing we can do now.

I feel torn. I feel that I shouldn't have to hide how I am feeling and just let it out, because when I do that, I feel the best after I am able to let it out and feel like I let it go. It is a great feeling. To know that you can let out your emotions and then have some time of reflection and know that the next day is not going to be as bad as the day I let my emotions out. It is freeing.

I know I shouldn't be angry with my family. I know they gossip and such, but I also know that they really do care. I just hate feeling like I have to hide my emotions and what happened. What happened to me is a part of me and I can't pretend like it didn't happen. It did and I am dealing with it now. On the other hand I don't think that I am emotionally stable enough yet to go out and tell the whole world what happened, not that I would ever actually do that, but you know. I am torn. I don't know which feeling to follow. I don't like having to try and work between both. I know I don't want too much of my personal life out there. I live in a small town and word travels fast. Real fast. Not only that, but I am scared of him finding out that I am going through all of this. I think that if he found out that I would feel like all of my work was for nothing and he would try to regain power, and I am working so hard to get that back.

What do you think?

-Lara

Bum Bum Bum - Flashbacks!

So, I have been doing some research. All of it has been about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because that is what my counselor and my doctor both said I have.

I am having a lot of trouble with flashbacks. I needed to find out how, why, and what they are all about, not only to help myself, but to help others know what I am going through in the nicest way possible.

First off, what is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

• Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

What causes PTSD?

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.
• PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape.
• The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

What Are Symptoms of PTSD?
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

• Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
• Recurrent distressing memories of the event
• Repeated dreams of the event
• Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

• Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
• Feelings of detachment
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Lack of interest in normal activities
• Less expression of moods
• Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
• Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

• Difficulty concentrating
• Exaggerated response to things that startle you
• Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Sleeping difficulties

At first, this was a ton of information for me to take in and digest! It is very overwhelming. Remember, not everyone experiences the same thing with PTSD. Everyone is different.

Information cited from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/.

Life Is a Storm

I just came to the conclusion that right now, my life is like a storm. Not just any storm though, no, it is one of those humid summer storms. The ones with the loud thunder that scares the crap out of you and lightning that makes you flinch. Those would be my bad days.

Then, I have good days. My good day are like the calm before the storm and after the storm. It is the calming feeling and the sweet smell of rain. It has a sense of relief and an eerie feeling of comfort and it has an electric feeling. It is very hard to explain. Someday, I hope I can explain it better.

-Lara

Friday Feelings

I feel overwhelmed but calm all at the same time. Allow me to explain. I feel overwhelmed because of everything I am going through, and with good reason right? What makes me think that I shouldn't feel this way? I have the right to be upset and what other emotions I am feeling.

I also feel weirdly calm. I think it is because I am actually able to concentrate and think logically. Lately, I am only like this every so often and I am going to embrace it.

I am also scared. I am scared of calling the Sexual Assault Center that my counselor told me to call and get more information. She wants me to start going there for help. I am super frightened. I need to do it, but I am just not ready yet. This is a huge step for me - I think. I will call before my next counseling session. I have to. I just need some time. I will do it Monday so that I have the weekend to think about it and come to terms with what is happening. I need to take things slowly and learn from it. I hope.

Ice Cream and Naps!

Today started off to be quite the crappy day, not going to lie. It down right sucked!

But then...

I had ice cream!

It sounds silly, but it really did make my day better. It was like a little bowl of comfort.

It was vanilla and had pieces of waffle cone covered in chocolate. Delicious!

Then, I took a nap. It is quite amazing how much your mind can be cleared after a good bowl of ice cream and a nap. I was able to actually sit down and think about everything that I am going through.

I realized that if anything I can count this whole hellish thing is a learning experience. My dad always said when I was little when something would happen that it was a learning experience. For example, when I was little my twin sister was a biter. She would bite almost anyone, but my dad. One day she bit me and I got angry and my dad stepped in. He sat us down and said, "Lara, I know that your sister bit you and you are angry, but this is a learning experience." I thought he was full of crap, to be honest. Then, I actually thought about it and realized that the learning experience is that even though my sister makes me so angry sometimes, I still love her.

So, this whole sexual abuse thing - it can be a learning experience as well. I just have to learn how to make it that.

Wow, what a weird day.

How has your Thursday been?

-Lara

Let It Out

I just now realized something.

In order for me to feel better, I need to let everything out. I can't let it all out at once, but hopefully someday I can let it out and feel some sense of relief. I can't wait for that day.

I know that after I cry or freak out that I feel better and I am convinced that it is because I let it all out. I didn't fight it and just let it happen.

I need to stop fighting it. I need to stop fighting my emotions so much. My emotions are there and they are real. I think the sooner I let my emotions out and come to terms with what happened and how it made me feel, the sooner I will get better and heal.

This is all still going to take a lot of time though.

-Lara

Locked Up Emotions

Have you ever had the urge to say how you feel and just talk?

I have been experiencing that feeling an awful lot lately. I need to talk to someone about how I feel and what happened. It is a part of the healing process.

My problem though, is when I finally get someone who I can trust and sit down and talk, I freeze up. I get all of these thoughts running through my head, so I start thinking that I can't trust this person and "Bob" is going to find out that I am going through all of this. I just get terrible thoughts. I can't help it. Then the conversation is cut short and when I get home or whatever, I don't feel any better about what emotions I have locked up inside.

I need to get these emotions out and my story. I need to. I just don't think I am quite ready though...

-Lara

Weird Dream

So, last night I had a very strange dream. Let me tell you about it...

I am in this building. In a bathroom. I am trying to get a bath. People I know keep coming in and I keep yelling at them to leave and to just leave me alone. Finally, I can't take anymore interruptions from my "me time," so I go to find someone to help me get the people out of the bathroom.

I walk into an office and find one of my professors there. I tell him my problem. He doesn't care. He says he will take care of it though and pokes his head out of his office and screams, "Get out of bathroom!" Well, I could have done that! Then, he sits down at his desk and falls asleep! I was furious! Then, I start screaming at the top of my lungs that I have been going through hell lately and I was abused and I just need some time to be alone to be sad and to be what I need to be! Some other weird things happened, that I don't think are very relevant to the meaning, so I won't talk about them.

Then, I woke up.

I have been thinking about it and I think that my dream is trying to tell me that I need to keep talking about what happened. I think I feel like I have some more emotions that I need to get out, including frustration, anger, and sadness.

What do you think?

-Lara

Monday Night

So, Monday, I went to a friend's house. I had a great time. I had the perfect day. Sure, I had some flashbacks in the morning, but that isn't very different than usual.

That night, I freaked out. That is putting it lightly.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I was crying, rocking back and forth, and talking to myself (trying to calm myself down, of course).

I could take the emotional part of what I was going through by calming myself down and telling myself I was safe and such. What I couldn't take though, was the sensations that I was feeling. I could see him, feel him touching me, hear him, and even smell him. I thought for sure I was going crazy!

Yesterday, I went to my counseling session and found out that what I went through is called a "flooding of emotions." My counselor told me that it is actually a good thing I went through what I did because it means that my mind is now ready to handle the emotions of what happened to me. I was dealing with more factual things that happened to me before, but now I am trying to work through the emotions of what happened. The emotions is actually a lot harder than the factual stuff because with the emotions comes the sensations and the use of all of my senses to bring the emotions. This make sense? I certainly hope so!

Has anyone had experiences like this?

Crazy, Crazy Feelings

I feel like I can't take much more of this. I am going to go insane. I keep having flashbacks and they bother me so much. They are seriously unlike anything I have ever had to go through before.

I noticed that afterwards I feel a certain way. I had to think for a long time about how I would describe that feeling. The only word I could come up with was

SMOTHERED.

That one word makes me shudder, makes me feel useless, alone, upset, I cry. It is just such a powerful word for me for some reason. I don't exactly know why, but I hope to figure that out soon.

Smothered. It even feels weird to say. It kind of rolls around in your mouth when you say it. Say it. Smothered. Bleh. That word hurts me.

Unfortunately though, that is the only word that describes how I feel after flashbacks and has all of my crazy emotions inside of it. So, right now, I feel smothered.

-Lara

AH HA!

I went to counseling today, like I normally do once a week.

This time was different though.

While I was there, spilling all that I had to say and how I felt and all of that good stuff, I had a realization. All of my feelings aren't random at all. No. They are caused from one or more things that happened and these instances and things that I remember are causing me to feel all of these crazy emotions!

OK, so I already knew this, but it really clicked while I was at counseling. I don't know what it was, but I finally understood that my random crying isn't so random after all. Now, I just need to try and figure out what causes my deep sadness and take control of that.

This is going to take a while...

-Lara

Flashbacks

I have never had experiences with flashbacks before. This is new for me. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. The only way I can describe it would have to be to compare it to the feeling of taking a lot of Benadryl and falling asleep. I know that that only happens to some people, but that is how it felt for me.

I was able to hear everything that was being said, but I couldn't respond. Eventually, though, I couldn't hear anything and I lost sense of where I was and what was going on and slipped into another place and time. It was an out of body experience. That is how it feels when I take too much Benadryl. I can hear things, but my body won't respond to them. I've been told that I sometimes talk or move my mouth like I am talking when they happen.

I was concerned with these flashbacks, so I called my doctor. I guess they are normal for someone who went through what I did. She said that just like the nightmares, these too will lessen and eventually die away.

All I know is that the flashbacks are unlike anything I've ever experienced and scare me every time.

Anybody had experience with flashbacks? Any advice?

-Lara

Doctor Appointment

So, I went to the doctor's today.

I got put on an antidepressant. Now, I wait and see how it makes me feel. It can take up to 2 to 6 weeks until I start to feel better. It is a waiting game.

There are so many negative side affects that it scares me. I pray that I experience none of them!

Wish me luck on this new experience!

Other than that though, I have been having a pretty rough day emotionally. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am tired of feeling terrible and sad or angry. It is very frustrating.

Hopefully this medicine helps though!

Do you have any experiences with antidepressants?

-Lara

Anger

Lately, I have noticed that I have become quite the angry person.

Now, let me tell you, I am NOT an angry person at all. Before everything started to get rolling, I was always happy and pretty laid back. I miss feeling like that. I miss feeling normal.

Normal for everyone is different, so I know that some people are probably thinking, "there is no such thing as normal." Well, I miss MY normal. Normal for me is the way I used to feel.

But, on the bright side of things...
I talked to my counselor and did some research and found out that anger is close to the end of this crazy, tiring, and painful climb to healthy. I like to think of this journey as climbing up a mountain and I can't wait until I get to the top and can spread my arms knowing that I did it and can breathe easy.

I know that just because on paper this is supposedly close to the end of this journey (I think I have about 2 more phases to go through.) that that is not necessarily so. I know that I still have some work to do, but I am finding out more and more every day that it is worth it.

It is worth going through the anger and the depression. I know that someday I am going to finally feel good and be my normal again, and I can't wait.

-Lara

The First Encounter

I feel the need to tell a little bit of my story.

It is not pretty. But I will only tell a little of it tonight. Hopefully, I will be able to tell more and more as time goes on.

The first time it happened. *insert huge sigh here* It was what I like to call "The First Encounter".

It was during band camp and Bob (we'll call him Bob as to not disclose any real names) sat next to me. At the time, I was a sophomore and he was a senior. Well, me and Bob, we were ok friends. We talked and such, but not much more than that.

He asked to talk to me one day during a rehearsal during band camp that was being held in the band room. Of course, being the obedient underclassman that I was, I followed. I followed him out into the hallway. There was no one around.

He started to talk and the next thing I knew, he had one hand around my throat and the other over my mouth. I had never been so frightened in my life. I was crying and my whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't breathe.

During all of this, he was saying the most disturbing and gross things. I will not and can not say what he said to me, for your sake and for mine. The whole time I was thinking that I had to get away, but my body wouldn't move.

Eventually, his one hand left my throat and traveled down towards my chest. At the time I couldn't care less that he was touching me there, I was just happy I could breathe again! Because of the length of time he had his hand around my throat, I had almost passed out from not being able to breathe!

At last, he left me. Before he left he warned me not to tell anyone what had happened or else it would get worse. I nodded, scared for what could possibly happen to me. He then instructed me not to leave until he has been gone for at least 5 minutes. That became an unspoken rule later on.

This was the beginning. It was the beginning of everything. The bad. The good. The part where I lose all control and lose it and the part when I start to heal.

This is the beginning of my story. It gets worse and then, eventually, it gets better.

-Lara

To Quote the Beatles...

"Help! I need somebody! Help!"

I know from experience that one of the hardest things to do is ask for help. Even though you know it will make you better, it is hard to ask for it. It means admitting that you have a problem.

I personally have problems seeing the counselor I go to. I need to have someone help me get there and ensure that I actually go. It scares me to go. I know that she is helping me and I certainly want the help, but it scares the poo out of me to go see her once a week.

I know that I also have a problem with feeling like a burden to people when I ask to talk to them to just things off my chest. It makes things harder because I feel that no one wants to listen or help me. I know that isn't true, but that is not how I feel. I am sure that I am really not a burden to my friends and family, but it can really feel that way.

I am trying to learn how to deal with things when I know I have to do it alone. Your friends and family will be there for you, but they can't be there all the time. They have lives too. When asking someone for time to talk and they say that they are busy and can't, it can be hard to deal with the rejection of not feeling like you are worth their time (you really are).

To get through that feeling of rejection and like they don't care about you I stop and think.

• If they didn't care-why would they have helped you previously?

It is a good point to stop and just think about and know that they really do care.

Getting help can be hard, but it is definitely worth it.

Epsom Salts, Lotions, and Body Wash, Oh My!

I did a little research and talked with some friends of mine about what I could do to help relieve some stress and just overall feel better.

These are some things that I did some research on and I was told about:

• Epsom salts-they help to relieve stress and it is also good for your skin! It helps to relax the whole body and cause an overall feeling of relaxation.
• Lotions-Bath and Body Works makes a nice line of aromatherapy products that can help with almost anything! I am currently trying the stress reliever and so far so good! I actually feel a little more relaxed!
• Body Wash-Bath and Body Works also makes a nice line of aromatherapy products in body wash form! I am also trying this, and seeing some results!

I have not tried the Epsom salts yet, but I will. They are supposed to be stress relieving too, but we'll see.

Has anyone had experience with using any of these? Do you like or not like them?

-Lara

To Go To the Doctor or Not To Go

That is the question.

I finally got my dad to open up a bit and talk to me today. I don't feel as relieved as I thought, but we're working on trying to talk more about what happened and open up more to each other and try to build a healthy way to get through this.

But...

My depression is not getting any better. My dad told me that maybe I should see my doctor. I was dead set on NOT seeing the doctor.

A friend of mine though told me that it might be a good idea. I just need to work on getting over the stigma of needing meds to work on my depression. This is going to be hard to get over.

It is late though, and this girl needs sleep.

What are your thoughts on meds for depression? Have you tried any? I could use any advice I can get!

-Lara

Saddness On Top of Saddness

I am still learning how to drown out my saddness with laughter and happiness, but today it is just not working. Nothing seems to work. I tried everything. I got some news earlier today that made my heart just sink down as low as it could go. The kind of news that makes your stomach drop and your mind kind of stops working. Yeah, that is what I felt. I don't know how to deal with the saddness from the news I got, so, that saddness is now on top of my previous saddness.

I know that trying to make myself happy will not work today. There will be no laughter today, no fun. I just don't feel like it. I tried to make myself happier and failed miserably. Today will just be a sad day. A day with saddness on top of saddness.

Good Days vs Bad Days

So, I have found myself starting to classify my days as either being mostly good or mostly bad. Not good or bad as in I lost something or broke something, but my emotions and how I overall feel.

When I first told anyone about what had happened at the end of last month, I had two or three terrible weeks. I was a zombie of sorts. I couldn't concentrate in class and I had no personality. Now I have terrible days instead of terrible weeks. That is definately a step in the right direction!

On my bad days I want to stay by myself and cry. But, I took some much needed advice from a friend and found that these things make my bad days a little less bad.

• Surround yourself with people you love-don't be alone. It makes things worse.
• Laugh! Try to laugh. Look at funny things on the internet, watch funny movies, anything to laugh at little.
• Get some vitamin D. It is proven to make you in a better mood.
• Doing stress and anxiety relieving breathing exercises. There are a ton online!

These things, I found, work for me the best to make my bad days not so bad. It doesn't make it all better and sunshine and rainbows, but it doesn't make it worse!

What helps you?

-Lara

Lesson Learned

Wow. I learned a HUGE lesson tonight. When it comes to sexual abuse, do NOT expect others to completely understand. It is nice that people will try, but they can not possibly understand unless they have been through it before. Sure, they're advice is great and can help a ton, but they still don't know. They don't know what it FEELS like.

I learned in the beginning that I need to let people help me. I tried to do everything by myself. It didn't work.

So, lesson learned. Let people help you, and don't expect them to completely understand, but do know that these special people do love you and want to help.

-Lara

My First Blog...Ever

This is my first blog post. I have never done this before, but a friend of mine told me that it would be a good idea to start doing this to help me help myself.

I was sexually abused in 10th grade for roughly a year and a half. I am a freshman in college and am just now starting to try and heal.

My friend told me that maybe by having this blog I can feel like I am helping others. I hope so. It might take a while to start making me feel that way, but hey, it's worth a try!

In this blog, I hope to share bits and pieces of my story and maybe help a person or two along the way, while helping myself as well.

-Lara