Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I just wanted to take a moment to say happy new year and let you all know that I did not, in fact, drop off the face of the blogging world!

I have been so super busy!

One of my new year's resolutions is to blog more! Blogging helps me and helps you, so therefore, I should aim to do it more often!

As I was thinking back on 2012, I realized that I am very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for all of you who read/follow my blog. Thank you! Without you, I would not feel like I am talking to or helping anyone! Thank you!

It is time for me to go to bed.

Have a wonderful and prosperous new year! :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Super Woman

I just now realized something. (I know, it is past my bedtime... but hear me out.)

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, babysit, church gigs, lesson work, ensembles, and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Doctor's Visit Gone Bad

I had another doctor's appointment to check on my ovarian cysts.

It was HORRIFIC. I have been told that I am just being too dramatic. I'm sorry, but to me, it was a very awful experience.

I go there expecting not much to be done except maybe a pelvic exam (which I have done before).


My doctor wanted to do a pap smear because I turned 21 in August and because I have been bleeding massive amounts for no reason.

I was not mentally prepared for something like this. I tried to explain to her that it may not be a good idea to do it. She told me that I am just nervous and to just relax.

I tried to relax. It didn't work.

She gets the speculum in not even half way and I am freaking out. I am crying and shaking. She asked me if I was okay and I told her to just hurry up and do it. She pushed it in a bit more.


I was done.

She told me that my muscles tensed up so much that she couldn't even get the speculum in the rest of the way, let alone finish the exam.

So, now that you know what happened, let's take a minute to talk about how that made me feel.

I felt like crap. I STILL feel like crap and this happened last Friday.

I feel so inadequate as a lady. Ladies should be able to get these things done and be able to be touched down there without freaking out.

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel such a baby.

I have been told by a few people that I shouldn't feel this way, but I really can't help it. I do and I won't feel better for a while I don't think.

I have been in a depressed slump ever since.

My friend came up with an idea to help me get past this. She told me that I need to take a vagina vacation. For a week or two, no one and nothing is coming near my vagina. I will also not discuss my vagina with anyone. I refuse to acknowledge it.

Sounds silly, but it just might work...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

What the Heck!?

What the heck!?

My life is so messed up right now!

This guy that I have been talking to and I believe I have written about, have been talking about being in a relationship.

What I don't understand is that he goes from super flirty to wanting to just be friends. I get so confused. He says he has trouble opening up to people. I get that, but why does he have to make things so hard. Can't we just sit and talk and enjoy each other?

It doesn't have to be so hard!

I have enough issues with relationships since my abuse and I don't need more!

It scares the crap out of me thinking that there is a possibility that I could end up getting physically and emotionally close to someone.

At first it made me physically ill to think of it.

I am not so bad anymore. I just get super nervous and constantly think that I could get hurt. No matter how much I trust the person, I constantly think that I could be raped.

I need to work on that, but not with this guy. He doesn't respect me enough.

I need to work some stuff out here.

Any advice is greatly apprecitated!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Busy Summer

I want to start off by apologizing for not posting for a while!

Life has picked up its pace and I have been so busy!

I have been working with high school bands for the marching season that will be here soon in the fall!

I hope to be posting every spare chance I get!

I haven't stopped working on myself or thinking about life in general! Healing is still very much under way! I hope you are as well!

Friday, July 6, 2012

What I Want

I can't wait until I'm older.

That must sound silly for a 20 year old lady to be saying.

I can't wait to be 30 and have everything figured out. If everything isn't all figured out, I still feel that by then, I should have most of what I want out of life.

I want to be happy.

For some reason, in my mind, I get so stuck on being happy in my future, that I don't know how to be happy now. I'm trying though.

In my future I picture myself being a high school band director. I will have a family. A kid or two and a husband that loves me more than anyone has ever loved me.

I want to feel that love. I want it to embrace me every day all day. I want to be able to feel that if I mess up, that I will still be loved unconditionally and be told that it is okay.

I want to be told that I am beautiful.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be the perfect mommy someday. I want to take care of my children and be the mommy that I never really had.

I want to be the perfect wife. I want to make my husband happy and make it so that he can be proud of me.

I want to be it all. All of these things.

I know that being perfect is not going to happen, but I want to try.

I feel that if I can get all of these things to happen, then I will be happy.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Stuck In Circles

I have been getting stuck in circles lately.

I have come to the conclusion that as part of being human, getting caught in circles is a common way of living.

I feel that in order to get out of my path of continuing circles, something must change.

I work every day at trying to become a better person. In the beginning it was solely for the purpose of healing. Now, I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to make my life the way I want it to be. I feel more in control.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I feel needs to change.

The first thing that came to mind was being more independent. This pertains to my feelings, decisions, and religion. By independent, I mean that I need to think for myself and think about what is going to work for me. This feels selfish to me, but it is what I feel will help me be happy. I can't live other people's lives. I have to live my own.

I am also going around in circles with the abuse. There is no sense of closure about anything to do with it. I am still working on what I can do to help that feeling.

I am only going to be taking baby steps to make these circles a little wider so that it doesn't seem so much like a circle, just a big path. (I hope that makes sense.)

Baby steps.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Saying I Love You

I know I haven't been on here in a while! Sorry! Life seemed to pick up the pace a little bit and I was struggling to keep up! I've got life pretty much under control - or at least as much as a person can have life under control...


I was talking with my sister's kids on facebook the other day. I am not all that fond of my sister in the first place, but her kids wanted to talk to me, so I agreed. The kids never did anything to me.

The youngest got done talking and the last message she sent was, "I love you, aunt Lara."

Oh geez.

I have a rule that I live by. I don't know if it a good rule, but it seems to work for me.
Don't say "I love you" unless you mean it.

So, when my sister's daughter said she loved me, I froze. I ended up not responding. I felt bad, but I had to decide which was worse - saying an empty I love you or not responding. I chose not to respond.

To me, there is nothing worse than an empty "I love you."

I feel as though I have just had my fill of them and there is no need for them. They just hurt people.

They've hurt me, I know that.

In particular, my best friend in high school would say that she loved me everyday. I, of course, would say it back. I thought she meant it. I'm sure she did at one point. She was also the one that I went to first about the abuse. She didn't believe me and told my abuser what I told her, making the abuse a million times worse. I don't know about you, but to me, someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you. They wouldn't call you a liar and then make your life even worse.

That was when I stopped with saying "I love you" unless I mean it. Only a few people in my life get "I love you." Those people are my best friends and my family. No one else gets them.

Call me stingy, but that is how I feel.

Love is too precious to give away to people who don't deserve it.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Hope Restored

I finally had the opportunity to go to a friend's house for the first time. We have talked a bit online via email and I know her husband really well, but we have never really met.

I felt that I needed to meet her. We have so much in common. It is actually quite creepy. We were both abused, we both have ovarian cysts, and we both have mother issues.

So, I go to their house yesterday at 1pm. I stayed until 11pm! We just kept talking and talking!
I want to share with you a little of what we talked about yesterday. To respect her privacy, I won't use her name.

We started off talking about my mother. Her mommy issues are similar. Her mother didn't leave her physically, but she left her emotionally. She just didn't want her own daughter anymore, so we talked about that for a while.

We eventually got to talking about the abuse. She was so full of wisdom and advice. It was fantastic. I was finally talking to someone who understood. She knew what I was feeling and why.

She told me that I had a beautiful soul. I started crying. I don't feel like I do. I know I do, but I don't necessarily feel it all the time. I want to feel beautiful and feel like I have a beautiful soul.

She told me the best thing I have heard in a very long time:

It gets better.

She brought back my hope. If she says that it gets better, well, then I believe her. She has been through it and she has finally gotten to a point where she can say that it gets better.

My hope is restored. We talked about how the abuse affects every aspect of life from shopping, sex, school, relationships (romantic and not), and religion.

I feel like I can survive all of the craziness that comes with the abuse in regards to those things now.

I feel so much hope now. It was all from just talking with a friend.

What restores your hope?

Friday, June 8, 2012

I am a Sinner

I am a sinner. I was made that way. I was baptized and all of my sins were washed away.

I am still a sinner.

I am not perfect.

Every Sunday (or nearly every Sunday), I go to church. We say this prayer every week and I have not once in my whole life ever thought about what it meant.

I confess to Almighty God,
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have sinned through my own fault,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;
and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord, our God.

So, what does it mean?

I am convinced that for everyone it may have a different meaning. For a priest, it may mean something very different than what it means for me. This is my interpretation of it and how it coincides with my life.

For me, the lines:

I confess to Almighty God,
and to you my brothers and sisters,

They mean to me, that we all have made mistakes. God loves us anyways. We are His children and He will always love us. It can be hard to feel sometimes. Sometimes it feels like we may have done something or acted in a way that makes us feel as though no one could be able to love us.

Especially, after being sexually abused. There were moments last summer that I was so mean to people that tried to help me. I pushed them away (hard) and was bound determined that I could handle anything by myself. I was wrong. I wasn't letting God in and was in need of His love and guidance. I was truly alone and lost.

The next part:

that I have sinned through my own fault,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;

To me, this means that the mistakes that we make as humans are going to take many different forms. This only touches on a few, but they are a few very broad categories.

Relating this back to sexual abuse, the way that we felt or what we have thought during the abuse may have been sinful in nature. For me, I know that I had thoughts of wishing I could just die. I had thoughts of killing him. These (I've been told) are very normal thoughts considering the situation. God also understands. He forgives. He knows that it happened and He wants us to take from it and turn it into a chance to learn and better ourselves.

and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord, our God.

This part is pretty self explanatory. We are forgiven. We are loved no matter what.

I just wish that these prayers were more than just words for people. For me, after being abused, they were a way of life. They were a way of getting myself to believe again and keep my faith. I lived these words. I still try to.

I know that I am a sinner. Being abused makes me feel like I am worse than everyone else, like I did something to wrong God.

This isn't true at all, but what I have been learning lately, sometimes the knowing and feeling parts of your thinking don't quite line up or make that connection.

So, the next time you pray or even talk to God, think, "Am I just going through the motions?"

Make your words and actions take meaning.

Friday, June 1, 2012

The Abuse in a Nutshell

I was abused by the same boy over and over.

The abuse took a few different forms.

Verbal. Every day in class I was talked to like I was the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I was made fun of. I was degraded. I was asked personal questions that no one has the right to know the answers to, but me and maybe my doctor or boyfriend. I was asked double bladed questions that no matter how I would choose to answer, I always lost.

Physical. I was taken to places in the school to be touched. The boys bathroom was a favorite for him. I was touched so much... This part is too hard for me to talk about right now... Eventually, I will be able to do it.

Mental. I was left feeling like I was so small. I lost every ounce of self confidence that I ever had. I felt like I was not worth anything. He made me feel that way so much so, that I couldn't help but think that it was true. I started to doubt everything I thought I knew about myself and God. I started to think that I was supposed to suffer and that maybe I had done something wrong and deserved to be treated like this.

I know now, that none of the above is true.

None of what he did defines me. It has structured my life to be different than others, but it's not supposed to be the same anyways.

I know now, that I am worth everything and then some. Some days it is hard to feel it, but deep down I know it.

It seems odd to say, but I am glad that I am given the opportunity to learn so much about myself. Don't get me wrong, I do wish that I never had to endure such terrible things, but in the end, I think that if anything, it is making me a better person.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My Heart Aches

To celebrate Memorial Day, every year, my family has a picnic.

Now, my grandfather is 84 and in pretty good shape for a man of that age and is still as classy as ever! My great uncle (his brother) is 80. He is not in such great shape. He is in a wheelchair and can't get around very well and he is very depressed and feels like a burden.

So, my great uncle lives in an assisted living type apartment.

My great aunts and her daughters were coming to the picnic as well. He calls them up and asks them for a ride to the picnic. This is all after my grandfather had to change his mind to get him to go. Their response?

"No. We can't. We only want to take one car."

Conversation over.

My grandfather then decides to go himself to get him. He is still able to drive, but it scares the daylights out of me, so my sister went with him while I made some food for the picnic and got some things together.

They get back. We picnic it up and have a great time talking with family and also celebrating my cousin's 12th birthday.

It is time for my great uncle to go home. He says he isn't feeling too well. This was the most he has been outside in a while and it was well over 90 degrees out.

My grandfather says he'll take him home.

I quickly interject and say that he shouldn't. He was working all morning. (Yes, he still works.) He was tired. I said that we would take him home.

Multiple family members were standing there listening to us talk about taking him home. No one, and I mean not a single person even so much as offered to help get him home. No one even offered to get him to the car and help him get in!

It made my heart ache.

I don't understand how I am related to these people. With the exception of my own father, my sisters and my older cousin, I don't understand. I was raised that family comes first - always. You take care of family, and your family will take care of you. That is how it works.

My poor great uncle felt like such a burden. I had to convince him that he wasn't and when I finally did, he admitted that he was happy that he came to the picnic at last minute and that he had a great time.

Shouldn't that be enough of a reason to go out of your way to help him? Who knows how many more picnics he will be able to go to.

There was so much selfishness and it lack of love. They have lost the true meaning of loving each other and having a loving heart.

I have made a decision. I am going to make a difference in this world. I am going to do most of it through music, but I hope that I can make a difference through my actions as well.

It truly makes my heart ache.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

I Am Broken

I am broken.

I came to this conclusion reading another person's blog.

This made me realize I was broken.

What does that mean for me though?

Well, my broken and your broken may be two completely different things. Some people can handle more or less than others, which is just fine. It is the way we are made.

I think that I have a broken sense of love.

I know that my family loves me, but when it comes to people outside of my family, I either love too quickly or am unable to love or let them love me. I want them to love me so that I can fill that spot in my heart that my mother abandoned. It is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole though. It never seems to work.

I know for a fact though, that I am not nearly as broken as I used to be.

I thank the Lord every night for my progress. I just wish He would help me to figure out my brokenness and help to fix me and put my pieces back together.

It is a process, I guess.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


So, I had some ultrasounds done today.

Not my favorite way to spend a Thursday, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm not going to lie, I have been stressing over this for the last week.

I had to get a regular pelvic ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. They basically stuck a wand type thing up my hoo-ha. It was not pleasant.

I survived though.

I had to tell the technician doing it about my concerns.

That is one thing I highly recommend if you have ever been abused and need to get these done. Talk to the technician! Tell him/her your concerns and fears! It will definitely make you feel better! They can't read your mind, so don't expect them to know!

Because I told my technician about my past, she said that at any time, I could tell her to stop.


I didn't have to tell her to stop because she did a fantastic and quick job and got all the pictures she needed, but the option was there. I was in control over what she was doing to my body and it made me feel more at ease.

I want to let you know, that I did not just go into the doctor's office and got it done and left. No. It wasn't that simple for me.

I had to mentally prepare myself for like 4 days. No joke.

I have been practicing my deep breathing and deciding on what to think of to keep myself grounded and in control of my thoughts and feelings.

It worked.

I am not going to lie, I am pretty proud of myself. I did it. I kept myself in control and kept my thoughts (mostly) under control and calm.

I am getting closer to a happier and healthier life through all of these different obstacles.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Pelvic Exam

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was supposed to be a follow up for my depression meds.

I have been having some lower left pelvic pain, so I told my doctor. She asked some questions...blah blah blah. She said that she thinks it is ovarian cysts. So, a pelvic exam was in order to rule out any other problems.

I have never had a pelvic exam before. I was quite scared. With my past, I was worried how I would handle it.

Thankfully, my doctor knows of my past and she is very understanding. She is just wonderful!

So, the exam begins. It was the worst thing ever! I have never been so uncomfortable and in that much pain from any type of physical exam! So, not only was I in some pain from the exam because I couldn't relax, but there was also the pain that I have been feeling before the exam even began!

To add to all of that I was feeling so many different emotions. My doctor apologized a million times for having to do that (love her). I was just so uncomfortable and feeling so many things that I can't even begin to describe!

So, it was finished and I went to sit up and I nearly passed out. My doctor asked if I was okay, and I said that I felt like I was going to pass out, so she had me lay back down and got me some water. I just don't think my body or my mind was ready for something like that. I feel so embarrassed that I handled it so poorly. I should be stronger than that.

Even though I do feel ashamed of myself, I am slightly proud. I got through it. I survived one more obstacle in this whole thing! I hope that this story is inspirational for someone. I waited a month before going to the doctor because I knew that I was going to have to have a pelvic exam and I didn't want it. It shouldn't be that way. I need to take care of my body.

I am strong and this is proof that I am surviving. :)

Monday, May 14, 2012

My Life (as of now)

My life has been super busy lately!

So much has been going on! I came home from college Saturday and am home for the summer!

I always forget how hard it is transitioning from school to home and then back to school. I will survive though.

I am just happy that I now have some time to de-stress and try to relax some!

I am super excited that I will have some time to myself this summer. It will be time to relax, reflect, and learn. I plan on doing some more healing, reading, and praying.

Ultimately, I want to be the best me that I can be and this summer is going to be a big part of it.

I hope that during this summer that I can post more now that I will have some more time.

We'll see how it goes! :)

Friday, May 4, 2012

What I've Learned Thus Far

It has been nearly a year since everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I was a mess. I couldn’t hold a conversation, I was emotional beyond belief, and I was alone.

Since then, I have gone to therapy, and still do.

I am still emotional, I’m a lady, but I have learned to tune into my emotions and learn what they mean.

I have learned that I am a beautiful young lady full of potential.

I learned that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It may seem like too much, but He has a plan and He knows what is best for you.

I have learned to take everything one day at a time. There is no use getting worked up over things that haven’t even happened yet or may not happen at all. Live life and love life.

I have learned that everything in life, and I mean everything, is a learning experience. The bad, the good, the beautiful, and the ugly are all chances to learn and grow as a person, a son/daughter, a child of God, a mother/father, sister/brother, friend, student, teacher, and whatever else you may be to yourself and to others.
I have learned that the past is the past. You can't fix the past. You can try and make the best of the outcomes and the lessons you have learned, but that is about it. It is over and done and that is it.

I have learned that friends and family need to be cherished. They may not fully understand all the time, but their hearts are in the right place.

So, I have learned a lot this year. This is only some of it. A lot can happen in the course of a year and thankfully, for me, it has been mostly for the better.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Thank You!

I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for reading my blog! I have gotten so many friendly and supportive comments! Thank you all so much! It really means a lot to me. It reminds me that I am not alone in this and that maybe, just maybe, I am helping someone else to realize the same thing.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Someone Needs To Help

I have been feeling a lot lately like I need help.

It is so very frustrating because I have no idea how in the world I actually need helped.

My feelings as of right now consist mostly of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and confused.

I guess I have been confused all along, but now I think I am ready to start to confront my confusion and try to bring it to a halt.

I want to begin by saying that lately I have been hanging out with a guy. We both like each other. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. I know that I am not being treated right. He takes advantage of my personality and my love. He makes no time for me and only texts or calls when he wants to make out. (Which I have finally been able to do since the abuse. Yay!) I know in my heart that it is wrong for me to let him treat me this way. I deserve to be treated like the princess that I am!

This whole situation makes my head spin. I am confused about how I am supposed to feel about this and how it relates to my relationship with my mom and the abuse. I am just so confused.

I also feel so ashamed about all of this. I feel as though I should know better than to get myself in a situation like this.

I just wish that someone could help me. I asked my best friend for advice but she shot back at me what I always tell her when she asks for advice. "When you ask for advice you already know the answer you want to hear. You will keep asking for advice until you get your answer."

I need to learn how to sort out my feelings. I need to keep my feelings associated with the abuse away from the rest of my everyday life. That seems to work best for me right now.

Until I can figure some of this out, I am going to have to continue feeling confused, ashamed, and embarrassed.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

My Heart

I learned something today.

I learned that my heart is fragile.

There are people in my life that have more access to my heart than others, and to me, that is how it should be. Things go bad when those people don't realize how much power they have over my heart. I can't help but to love these people unconditionally. They sometimes take advantage of me or hurt me. Was it on purpose? I sometimes can't tell. I like to assume that these people would never do that to me. It happens though. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Does the mistake have to be at the cost of my emotions and relationships?

I need to do what is best for me, and to protect my heart. I don't want to harden my heart, just protect it. I pray that God will show me how to do that with ease and love.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

So Much To Do!

I have been so busy lately!

School work has me swamped, along with gigs and getting ready for masterclasses and such things. I don't know how I am going to get everything that needs to be done...well...done!

I feel overwhelmed! I have so much that I have been wanting to post about, but my business has kept me from doing any of it! How frustrating!

I have to keep my priorities straight though. School first, gigs second, then blogging.

I am leaving on a trip on Wednesday, hopefully I will have a little down time to do some blogging and catch you all up on what has been going on in my life!

So much has happened!

I have 5 days of rehearsal time left until I play with a world known jazz trumpet player and I am NOT until I am, blogging is on hold!

Off to practice, I go!

Sunday, February 26, 2012


I feel guilt all the time.

When will it go away? Does it ever go away? What will it take to feel good and feel like I deserve what I have and how I feel?

The only time I don't feel guilty is when I am playing music. I think it is because I am sharing it with people and I get an amazing feeling of being able to put emotion into music and have others feel the same as I do for a minute or two.

Unfortunately, my heart feels heavy after those few minutes of relief are gone. How do I achieve this feeling of being loved and useful and not guilty while not having to play music?

Is it something that I am just going to have to learn to deal with?

If this is the case, I am not so sure I can do it. Sure, it helps me connect to the music easier, but in every day life, it emotionally hurts.

I am tired of my heart being heavy all the time.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Things Are Looking Up

A couple days ago I felt as though my life was spiraling out of control.

I know now that it wasn't.

It was just life.

Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.

I know that now.

Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.

Such is life, but I am living and learning.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Why oh why?

Nothing seems to make much sense to me anymore.

My mood and emotions are going absolutely haywire! I feel happy, sad, angry, depressed, loved, unloved, and anxious. I feel all of these at the same time.

How? How does that even happen? How can I be both happy and sad, loved and unloved, and angry yet depressed?

I am confused.

My day went downhill and I need something to help it stop from getting any worse. Obviously, what I am doing isn't helping.

Any suggestions would be awesome!

It just doesn't seem normal to me. I am all of these.

Happy: I feel like everything is going to be okay. Maybe happy isn't quite the right word for it. It is probably better to just say that I am optimistic.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dear Mom

I have a lot of issues with my mom. So, here is my attempt to write a letter to her to tell her how I feel...

Dear Mom,

Are you happy with the decisions you have made in your life so far? Was it really that bad of a life being the farmer's wife and raising 4 beautiful daughters?

Was it worth it leaving like you did?

You have missed out on a lot, you know. I grew up, with or without you. Dad did a fantastic job of raising us. You get no credit. You bailed.

I go to therapy now. Most of my issues stem from you.

The therapist and I agree that you have some mental issues. I, personally think that you had some serious post-partum depression. We'll never know though.

You called and said that you had another stroke. This would be the fourth one now and our response is still the same: We don't feel sorry for you.

I makes me sad, mom. It makes me sad to know that the only reason you even call is to make us feel sorry for you in some way.

You are selfish. Mothers are supposed to be selfless, not selfish.

Someday, in the distant, very distant, future I will be a great mom. I will raise the most beautiful and well behaved kids that have big hearts full of love and know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

I hope you are happy.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My Relationship With God

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with God.

Here is some of my religious background:

I am Catholic. I was raised Catholic and went to CCD (Sunday school) starting in kindergarten and going through 8th grade. I got confirmed in 9th grade. Since then, I try to go to church every Sunday, but sometimes life gets in the way and I don't go.

Now, I was abused in 10th grade.

For a little while, I nearly gave up believing all together. I just couldn't take the fact that God let something so awful happen to me.

Fast forward to now.

I have learned.

I have grown in my faith.

Thanks to friends and family (no thanks to the priests who refused to help me) I found out more about my faith and my relationship with God.

My friend always reminds me that God never gives his children anymore than they can handle. At first, I was skeptical and thought that if that is true, why did He give me something that I feel I can't handle? Why is He punishing me?

I am certain that those questions are common among the abused who have ever had any sort of relationship with God.

Why me, God? What would make You do something so terrible to one of us?

It hurts to think that. You start to feel that everything that you have been taught about your faith has slipped away and there is no redeeming it.

You have to hold on to it. Do not let your faith slip out of your reach.

You need to think, if God wanted you to die or to keep suffering, the abuse would still be happening. He did not want it to happen. It is all part of His plan. He knows best and you need to be able to put your trust into Him.

Stay strong and keep your faith.

Things really do get better.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I Am Struggling

I am struggling.

I feel like I am floundering.

I feel so very much alone.

I want to badly to go to my friend's house. (The one with the little boys.) They make me happy. I think they make me happy because they are the family I never really had. They seem perfect in every imperfect way. I want so badly to have what they have. I want to feel the love from a mother, the love from the kids, and the love between a mom and dad.

I just feel so lonely. It didn't help that I was alone all day.

I feel like I just need a good cry. I am scared to cry alone though. I want to have friends around to help me through it. If I cry alone, I sometimes have trouble stopping. I sink further and further down into that dark hole of depression.

It is so hard to get out of that hole. It is a never ending battle trying to come back up out of it.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that I am going to end up stuck in this pit of depression forever. I don't really think that that will happen, but that fear is in the back of my mind.

I am afraid of showing my emotions sometimes. I sometimes am frightened by what comes out of me and how I will react to what I am feeling.

I haven't completely lost hope.

I pray. I believe in God and know that He will help me heal and get through the rough times.

I have to have faith and try to get through this the best that I can with what I have and who I have to help me. I just don't want to feel like a burden, which I always seem to feel like.

Pray for me please.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

What My Future Holds

I have ordered a book recently online about teaching music. It is for my own personal enjoyment and growth as a musician and somday, a teacher.

This book has caused me to think about my life and what my future may have in store. I am not the type of person to make plans for everything, but I do like to have an outline.

My plan so far is to:
  • Graduate college.
  • Possibly get a masters...maybe. Who knows.
  • Get a job.
  • Get married.
  • Have kids.
That's it.

I have a lot that is left to be filled in there. Such as, what do I want to do as far as a job, I kind of need a boyfriend first to even think about marriage, and so on.

Now that I have an outline dealing with my future family, education, and job, I feel as though I need one for my healing process, spiritual, and all of issues.

Here it is:
  • Feel better than the day before.
  • Love and serve with a happy heart.
  • Learn to forgive.
  • Keep going to therapy.
  • Finally have my final meltdown and be on the downward slope in healing.
Those are my goals.

I don't really have a time frame for when I want them done. I guess, as long as I accomplish them, that is all that matters.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy (Belated) New Year!

Happy (belated) new year!

To start it off, I will leave you with this lovely quote/picture. :)