Friday, December 30, 2011

More Depression


It has entered my life and is here to stay for a little while it seems.

I can't get it to go away. It just won't. I have tried everything that I can think of to make myself happy.

I have been holding back the tears for 3 days now. I don't want to cry anymore. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling pain. I want to feel happy all day until my head hits the pillow and I can dream nice dreams that don't make me wake up crying or screaming.

Every night that I have been home, I feel so far gone in my depression. The pit got deeper and scarier. I am stuck inside of it and I can't seem to get out. I just want to lie in bed all day and cry.

I need to cry, but I am scared of letting these emotions out. I don't want to feel them. They are too intense for me right now. I just want so badly to be happy.

All I ask is to be happy.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Rough Time With Nightmares

I have been having a rough time lately.

It has been hard. I am depressed and having nightmares again.

My most recent nightmare is this:

I am in a room on a rug. It is a very soft white rug. The floor underneath is black. I have no idea where I am.

The boy who abused me is there (Bob, is what we will call him).

He gets on top of me. He tells me to stay quiet.

I close my eyes and pray for anything to stop what is about to happen.

Then, I open them.

Instead of seeing the vast emptiness that was just there, I see everyone in my life that I love and love me back.

They are watching, or being forced to watch. I am not sure which.

He starts to rape me.

I am crying and trying to remain quiet. It is hard to though.

I see my family and friends crying and looking away or covering their faces. Some are ashamed of me, others are sad, upset, angry, or just look sorry for me.

Now, my family is there, all except my dad and my 2 sisters. The only family there are my extended family.

My friend who (now) has 3 little boys is right up front of all of them. She is crying the hardest and changing emotions constantly.

Finally, she lunges forward and tries to save me. She is the only one who tries.

I cry out to her, but it doesn't help. She is not able to reach me. It is as if there is something there that is keeping her from me.

I only hope - shattered.

That has been my nightmare for the last week and a half now. It causes me to have trouble getting to sleep.

Keep in mind that I was never raped by him. Thank God. He came very close, but he didn't.

What does this mean?

I need sleep...

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Eve and I am irritated.

I love my family to pieces, but they annoy me. I don't mean my immediate family, I mean my extended family. You know, the aunts and uncles you only see on holidays.

They act fake.

I don't like fake.

They talk to your face and then turn around and whisper about you to someone else behind your back.

Not cool.

I have had enough of that crap to last me the rest of my life. I am over it.

It is Christmas though, so I am going to try and not let it bother me.

How am I going to do that, you may ask?


I am going to ignore it. I am going to keep myself calm by doing deep breathing and know that I am true to myself and to others and that I do not partake in any of those childish backstabbing behaviors.

Anyways, I have to go to bed. Santa will be here soon! ;)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 22, 2011


Christmas will be here in just a few short days.

I am going to use this time to help myself (and hopefully others) to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

My friend just had her baby yesterday.

She had a natural birth. It wasn't planned that way, but it just happened.

Mary, Jesus' mother, had her baby boy in a stable where it is dirty, cold, and there were no pain meds.

And Mary did not have much choice in the matter either. She was chosen by God to give birth to Jesus and to be his mother.

She did it though, and she did it with a loving heart and was ready to battle what may with all of her might to make sure that her and her new baby were safe.

Not only did she obey God, but she did it with a happy heart.

I want to be more like Mary - I want to be able to obey God and have a happy heart.

I want to learn to be happy with my life every day. Not just every once in a while when I have a good day. I want to have a happy heart and cherish even the bad days.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Useful to Useless

I never knew it was possible to go from feeling useful to useless in a matter of seconds.

I got a phone call from my expecting friend who was on her way to the hospital to tell me that I did not have to watch her kids while she is in labor. Her mom and dad came down and she just so happened to start having her baby.

I was so sad.

I felt like I wasn't needed by anyone anymore.

I know, I blew everything way out of proportion. She had family there. Her dad would watch the kids and be able to take them to the hospital tomorrow to see their mother.

For some reason, I just felt so upset when she told me. I felt like I was never needed and there is no need for me.

It sounds silly, I know.

For some reason though, I feel as if all of my problems may be silly to others. It is just another one of my problems...

Monday, December 19, 2011

Creeping Crud

Hello all!

I haven't been on here much lately. Sorry! I got back from Chicago Friday night/Saturday morning. The trip was amazing! The best trip I have ever been on, by far! It was so cool!

Unfortunately, the trip made me so run down and exhausted (not that I wasn't already), that I got sick.

I have one of the worst head colds I have ever had. I am getting so sick and tired of blowing my nose!

It is hard trying to get ready for Christmas when I don't have the energy to even get out of bed.

I guess my depression doesn't help that much either.

On the bright side...

My friend sent me a text a few hours ago and told me that her 3 year old son, (whom I love to death!) woke up from his nap and told her what he dreamed about. He had a dream that him and I were planting yellow and pink flowers and watering them outside his house.

I was near tears when I read that one message! That boy has no idea how he makes me feel so loved. I think it is because he just does it naturally. He loves and does it without thinking or doubting his own feelings. It is so sweet!

I can't wait until I get to go visit them again! I know I will be soon, considering that she is due to have a baby any day now and I am the on call babysitter.

How has your day been?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's Been A While

I know it has been quite a while since I have last posted.

Let me tell you what has been going on with me since I last posted:

  • I finished another semester of college (semester #3).
  • I am still going to therapy.
  • I have had quite a few breakdowns/epiphanies.
  • I learned that I have abandonment issues.
  • We are putting in a new kitchen/dining room floor in our house.
  • I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow for a music conference.
That is basically all I have been doing since last time. I have been super busy (obviously).

I have had some rough patches with healing though, but I survived and am better for it!

How have you been?