My Heart Aches

To celebrate Memorial Day, every year, my family has a picnic.

Now, my grandfather is 84 and in pretty good shape for a man of that age and is still as classy as ever! My great uncle (his brother) is 80. He is not in such great shape. He is in a wheelchair and can't get around very well and he is very depressed and feels like a burden.

So, my great uncle lives in an assisted living type apartment.

My great aunts and her daughters were coming to the picnic as well. He calls them up and asks them for a ride to the picnic. This is all after my grandfather had to change his mind to get him to go. Their response?

"No. We can't. We only want to take one car."

Conversation over.

My grandfather then decides to go himself to get him. He is still able to drive, but it scares the daylights out of me, so my sister went with him while I made some food for the picnic and got some things together.

They get back. We picnic it up and have a great time talking with family and also celebrating my cousin's 12th birthday.

It is time for my great uncle to go home. He says he isn't feeling too well. This was the most he has been outside in a while and it was well over 90 degrees out.

My grandfather says he'll take him home.

I quickly interject and say that he shouldn't. He was working all morning. (Yes, he still works.) He was tired. I said that we would take him home.

Multiple family members were standing there listening to us talk about taking him home. No one, and I mean not a single person even so much as offered to help get him home. No one even offered to get him to the car and help him get in!

It made my heart ache.

I don't understand how I am related to these people. With the exception of my own father, my sisters and my older cousin, I don't understand. I was raised that family comes first - always. You take care of family, and your family will take care of you. That is how it works.

My poor great uncle felt like such a burden. I had to convince him that he wasn't and when I finally did, he admitted that he was happy that he came to the picnic at last minute and that he had a great time.

Shouldn't that be enough of a reason to go out of your way to help him? Who knows how many more picnics he will be able to go to.

There was so much selfishness and it lack of love. They have lost the true meaning of loving each other and having a loving heart.

I have made a decision. I am going to make a difference in this world. I am going to do most of it through music, but I hope that I can make a difference through my actions as well.

It truly makes my heart ache.

I Am Broken

I am broken.

I came to this conclusion reading another person's blog.

This made me realize I was broken.

What does that mean for me though?

Well, my broken and your broken may be two completely different things. Some people can handle more or less than others, which is just fine. It is the way we are made.

I think that I have a broken sense of love.

I know that my family loves me, but when it comes to people outside of my family, I either love too quickly or am unable to love or let them love me. I want them to love me so that I can fill that spot in my heart that my mother abandoned. It is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole though. It never seems to work.

I know for a fact though, that I am not nearly as broken as I used to be.

I thank the Lord every night for my progress. I just wish He would help me to figure out my brokenness and help to fix me and put my pieces back together.

It is a process, I guess.

Ultrasounds

So, I had some ultrasounds done today.

Not my favorite way to spend a Thursday, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm not going to lie, I have been stressing over this for the last week.

I had to get a regular pelvic ultrasound and a vaginal ultrasound. They basically stuck a wand type thing up my hoo-ha. It was not pleasant.

I survived though.

I had to tell the technician doing it about my concerns.

That is one thing I highly recommend if you have ever been abused and need to get these done. Talk to the technician! Tell him/her your concerns and fears! It will definitely make you feel better! They can't read your mind, so don't expect them to know!

Because I told my technician about my past, she said that at any time, I could tell her to stop.

I WAS IN CONTROL.

I didn't have to tell her to stop because she did a fantastic and quick job and got all the pictures she needed, but the option was there. I was in control over what she was doing to my body and it made me feel more at ease.

I want to let you know, that I did not just go into the doctor's office and got it done and left. No. It wasn't that simple for me.

I had to mentally prepare myself for like 4 days. No joke.

I have been practicing my deep breathing and deciding on what to think of to keep myself grounded and in control of my thoughts and feelings.

It worked.

I am not going to lie, I am pretty proud of myself. I did it. I kept myself in control and kept my thoughts (mostly) under control and calm.

I am getting closer to a happier and healthier life through all of these different obstacles.

Pelvic Exam

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was supposed to be a follow up for my depression meds.

I have been having some lower left pelvic pain, so I told my doctor. She asked some questions...blah blah blah. She said that she thinks it is ovarian cysts. So, a pelvic exam was in order to rule out any other problems.

I have never had a pelvic exam before. I was quite scared. With my past, I was worried how I would handle it.

Thankfully, my doctor knows of my past and she is very understanding. She is just wonderful!

So, the exam begins. It was the worst thing ever! I have never been so uncomfortable and in that much pain from any type of physical exam! So, not only was I in some pain from the exam because I couldn't relax, but there was also the pain that I have been feeling before the exam even began!

To add to all of that I was feeling so many different emotions. My doctor apologized a million times for having to do that (love her). I was just so uncomfortable and feeling so many things that I can't even begin to describe!

So, it was finished and I went to sit up and I nearly passed out. My doctor asked if I was okay, and I said that I felt like I was going to pass out, so she had me lay back down and got me some water. I just don't think my body or my mind was ready for something like that. I feel so embarrassed that I handled it so poorly. I should be stronger than that.

Even though I do feel ashamed of myself, I am slightly proud. I got through it. I survived one more obstacle in this whole thing! I hope that this story is inspirational for someone. I waited a month before going to the doctor because I knew that I was going to have to have a pelvic exam and I didn't want it. It shouldn't be that way. I need to take care of my body.

I am strong and this is proof that I am surviving. :)

My Life (as of now)

My life has been super busy lately!

So much has been going on! I came home from college Saturday and am home for the summer!

I always forget how hard it is transitioning from school to home and then back to school. I will survive though.

I am just happy that I now have some time to de-stress and try to relax some!

I am super excited that I will have some time to myself this summer. It will be time to relax, reflect, and learn. I plan on doing some more healing, reading, and praying.

Ultimately, I want to be the best me that I can be and this summer is going to be a big part of it.

I hope that during this summer that I can post more now that I will have some more time.

We'll see how it goes! :)

What I've Learned Thus Far

It has been nearly a year since everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I was a mess. I couldn’t hold a conversation, I was emotional beyond belief, and I was alone.

Since then, I have gone to therapy, and still do.

I am still emotional, I’m a lady, but I have learned to tune into my emotions and learn what they mean.

I have learned that I am a beautiful young lady full of potential.

I learned that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It may seem like too much, but He has a plan and He knows what is best for you.

I have learned to take everything one day at a time. There is no use getting worked up over things that haven’t even happened yet or may not happen at all. Live life and love life.

I have learned that everything in life, and I mean everything, is a learning experience. The bad, the good, the beautiful, and the ugly are all chances to learn and grow as a person, a son/daughter, a child of God, a mother/father, sister/brother, friend, student, teacher, and whatever else you may be to yourself and to others.

I have learned that the past is the past. You can't fix the past. You can try and make the best of the outcomes and the lessons you have learned, but that is about it. It is over and done and that is it.

I have learned that friends and family need to be cherished. They may not fully understand all the time, but their hearts are in the right place.

So, I have learned a lot this year. This is only some of it. A lot can happen in the course of a year and thankfully, for me, it has been mostly for the better.