Why?

Why oh why?

Nothing seems to make much sense to me anymore.

My mood and emotions are going absolutely haywire! I feel happy, sad, angry, depressed, loved, unloved, and anxious. I feel all of these at the same time.

How? How does that even happen? How can I be both happy and sad, loved and unloved, and angry yet depressed?

I am confused.

My day went downhill and I need something to help it stop from getting any worse. Obviously, what I am doing isn't helping.

Any suggestions would be awesome!

It just doesn't seem normal to me. I am all of these.

Happy: I feel like everything is going to be okay. Maybe happy isn't quite the right word for it. It is probably better to just say that I am optimistic.

Dear Mom

I have a lot of issues with my mom. So, here is my attempt to write a letter to her to tell her how I feel...

Dear Mom,

Are you happy with the decisions you have made in your life so far? Was it really that bad of a life being the farmer's wife and raising 4 beautiful daughters?

Was it worth it leaving like you did?

You have missed out on a lot, you know. I grew up, with or without you. Dad did a fantastic job of raising us. You get no credit. You bailed.

I go to therapy now. Most of my issues stem from you.

The therapist and I agree that you have some mental issues. I, personally think that you had some serious post-partum depression. We'll never know though.

You called and said that you had another stroke. This would be the fourth one now and our response is still the same: We don't feel sorry for you.

I makes me sad, mom. It makes me sad to know that the only reason you even call is to make us feel sorry for you in some way.

You are selfish. Mothers are supposed to be selfless, not selfish.

Someday, in the distant, very distant, future I will be a great mom. I will raise the most beautiful and well behaved kids that have big hearts full of love and know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

I hope you are happy.

My Relationship With God

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with God.

Here is some of my religious background:

I am Catholic. I was raised Catholic and went to CCD (Sunday school) starting in kindergarten and going through 8th grade. I got confirmed in 9th grade. Since then, I try to go to church every Sunday, but sometimes life gets in the way and I don't go.

Now, I was abused in 10th grade.

For a little while, I nearly gave up believing all together. I just couldn't take the fact that God let something so awful happen to me.

Fast forward to now.

I have learned.

I have grown in my faith.

Thanks to friends and family (no thanks to the priests who refused to help me) I found out more about my faith and my relationship with God.

My friend always reminds me that God never gives his children anymore than they can handle. At first, I was skeptical and thought that if that is true, why did He give me something that I feel I can't handle? Why is He punishing me?

I am certain that those questions are common among the abused who have ever had any sort of relationship with God.

Why me, God? What would make You do something so terrible to one of us?

It hurts to think that. You start to feel that everything that you have been taught about your faith has slipped away and there is no redeeming it.

You have to hold on to it. Do not let your faith slip out of your reach.

You need to think, if God wanted you to die or to keep suffering, the abuse would still be happening. He did not want it to happen. It is all part of His plan. He knows best and you need to be able to put your trust into Him.

Stay strong and keep your faith.

Things really do get better.

I Am Struggling

I am struggling.

I feel like I am floundering.

I feel so very much alone.

I want to badly to go to my friend's house. (The one with the little boys.) They make me happy. I think they make me happy because they are the family I never really had. They seem perfect in every imperfect way. I want so badly to have what they have. I want to feel the love from a mother, the love from the kids, and the love between a mom and dad.

I just feel so lonely. It didn't help that I was alone all day.

I feel like I just need a good cry. I am scared to cry alone though. I want to have friends around to help me through it. If I cry alone, I sometimes have trouble stopping. I sink further and further down into that dark hole of depression.

It is so hard to get out of that hole. It is a never ending battle trying to come back up out of it.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that I am going to end up stuck in this pit of depression forever. I don't really think that that will happen, but that fear is in the back of my mind.

I am afraid of showing my emotions sometimes. I sometimes am frightened by what comes out of me and how I will react to what I am feeling.

I haven't completely lost hope.

I pray. I believe in God and know that He will help me heal and get through the rough times.

I have to have faith and try to get through this the best that I can with what I have and who I have to help me. I just don't want to feel like a burden, which I always seem to feel like.

Pray for me please.

What My Future Holds

I have ordered a book recently online about teaching music. It is for my own personal enjoyment and growth as a musician and somday, a teacher.

This book has caused me to think about my life and what my future may have in store. I am not the type of person to make plans for everything, but I do like to have an outline.

My plan so far is to:

• Graduate college.
• Possibly get a masters...maybe. Who knows.
• Get a job.
• Get married.
• Have kids.

That's it.

I have a lot that is left to be filled in there. Such as, what do I want to do as far as a job, I kind of need a boyfriend first to even think about marriage, and so on.

Now that I have an outline dealing with my future family, education, and job, I feel as though I need one for my healing process, spiritual, and all of issues.

Here it is:

• Feel better than the day before.
• Love and serve with a happy heart.
• Learn to forgive.
• Keep going to therapy.
• Finally have my final meltdown and be on the downward slope in healing.

Those are my goals.

I don't really have a time frame for when I want them done. I guess, as long as I accomplish them, that is all that matters.

Wish me luck.

Happy (Belated) New Year!

Happy (belated) new year!

To start it off, I will leave you with this lovely quote/picture. :)