Sunday, February 26, 2012


I feel guilt all the time.

When will it go away? Does it ever go away? What will it take to feel good and feel like I deserve what I have and how I feel?

The only time I don't feel guilty is when I am playing music. I think it is because I am sharing it with people and I get an amazing feeling of being able to put emotion into music and have others feel the same as I do for a minute or two.

Unfortunately, my heart feels heavy after those few minutes of relief are gone. How do I achieve this feeling of being loved and useful and not guilty while not having to play music?

Is it something that I am just going to have to learn to deal with?

If this is the case, I am not so sure I can do it. Sure, it helps me connect to the music easier, but in every day life, it emotionally hurts.

I am tired of my heart being heavy all the time.


Just Be Real said...

Lara, been reading over a few of your posts and commented also on your faith in God post. I struggle with guilt and shame as well. It does get easier with time. Our wounds do heal, but the scars remain as reminders. Here listening......

Lara said...

Thank you for reading! I am glad to know that I am not alone. I am sorry that you are going through similar things though. It is nice to know that someone listens to me.

Worth-Waiting-For said...

Hi Lara, I am so sorry that you are dealing with extreme feelings of guilt. I can definitely relate - it started right after my assault, which occurred almost 10 years ago, and then it infiltrated every aspect of my life, even when I wasn't directly addressing or acknowledging my assault. I don't completely understand why, but it seems that feelings of guilt always coincide with sexual assault (of any form). I've been told that one must revisit the past and grieve what was lost, allowing oneself to experience the painful emotions that go along with having been assaulted; then and only then can one begin to forgive oneself and release feelings of guilt. I wish I could provide more advice from my personal experience but I have not yet completely and effectively rid myself of this tendency. That's one of the things I am working on though. At the very least, I hope that you find comfort in knowing that others battle these same challenging emotions. Thinking of you and wishing you the best as you continue forward in your healing journey.

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