Monday, April 9, 2012

Someone Needs To Help

I have been feeling a lot lately like I need help.

It is so very frustrating because I have no idea how in the world I actually need helped.

My feelings as of right now consist mostly of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and confused.

I guess I have been confused all along, but now I think I am ready to start to confront my confusion and try to bring it to a halt.

I want to begin by saying that lately I have been hanging out with a guy. We both like each other. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want a relationship. I know that I am not being treated right. He takes advantage of my personality and my love. He makes no time for me and only texts or calls when he wants to make out. (Which I have finally been able to do since the abuse. Yay!) I know in my heart that it is wrong for me to let him treat me this way. I deserve to be treated like the princess that I am!

This whole situation makes my head spin. I am confused about how I am supposed to feel about this and how it relates to my relationship with my mom and the abuse. I am just so confused.

I also feel so ashamed about all of this. I feel as though I should know better than to get myself in a situation like this.

I just wish that someone could help me. I asked my best friend for advice but she shot back at me what I always tell her when she asks for advice. "When you ask for advice you already know the answer you want to hear. You will keep asking for advice until you get your answer."

I need to learn how to sort out my feelings. I need to keep my feelings associated with the abuse away from the rest of my everyday life. That seems to work best for me right now.

Until I can figure some of this out, I am going to have to continue feeling confused, ashamed, and embarrassed.


r33na said...

everything you feel ; ashamed, confused and embarrassed are normal.

on one hand, i was also happy that I was able to make out with a guy after the sexual assault, as it took me awhile to let myself be in a situation that involved intimacy.

In my situation I didnt want a relationship either, but yet I didnt like that he texts or calls me when he wants to make out as it's kinda one sided.. and i feel like he doesnt care about how i feel.

Don't be hard on yourself and there is nothing to be ashamed about.. and well i guess its not advice you need but prob someone to talk to so you could figure things out.. i have friends who similar to your best friend just say something and i feel like they're completely disregarding how i feel, and that leaves me feeling worse than i felt before i spoke to them about it..

Lara said...

Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot! I'm sorry that you are going through similar things, but honestly, it is nice to know that I am not alone in this kind of situation.

Thank you. :)

r33na said...

I remember feeling so confused and afraid when my ex first sexually assaulted me. I wasnt even sure it was rape as i was unable to comprehend that someone I used to trust, who used to be like my best friend and was with for 3 years could be capable of such an act.

Even after reporting I felt so alone until I came across blogs similar to yours that made me realise im not alone in my experience.

in your current situation you'll figure out what you want to do. and whatever you decide do it for you. and dont be self critical. I'm talking less to the guy I was intimate with but he doesnt realise i have an issue with it as I'm not interested in a relationship and he's aware of that. In my case I wasnt exactly straightforward which is something I guess I should work.

anyways Thanks for taking the time to respond. and blogs like yours are actually an inspiration to me.

Lara said...

Those are some of the most inspirational words that I have heard in a long time, believe it or not! Thank you! And it means the world that you find my blog inspirational! Thank you for taking the time to comment and I try to respond to all of my comments! :)