Friday, June 1, 2012

The Abuse in a Nutshell

I was abused by the same boy over and over.

The abuse took a few different forms.

Verbal. Every day in class I was talked to like I was the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I was made fun of. I was degraded. I was asked personal questions that no one has the right to know the answers to, but me and maybe my doctor or boyfriend. I was asked double bladed questions that no matter how I would choose to answer, I always lost.

Physical. I was taken to places in the school to be touched. The boys bathroom was a favorite for him. I was touched so much... This part is too hard for me to talk about right now... Eventually, I will be able to do it.

Mental. I was left feeling like I was so small. I lost every ounce of self confidence that I ever had. I felt like I was not worth anything. He made me feel that way so much so, that I couldn't help but think that it was true. I started to doubt everything I thought I knew about myself and God. I started to think that I was supposed to suffer and that maybe I had done something wrong and deserved to be treated like this.

I know now, that none of the above is true.

None of what he did defines me. It has structured my life to be different than others, but it's not supposed to be the same anyways.

I know now, that I am worth everything and then some. Some days it is hard to feel it, but deep down I know it.

It seems odd to say, but I am glad that I am given the opportunity to learn so much about myself. Don't get me wrong, I do wish that I never had to endure such terrible things, but in the end, I think that if anything, it is making me a better person.

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