Busy Summer

I want to start off by apologizing for not posting for a while!

Life has picked up its pace and I have been so busy!

I have been working with high school bands for the marching season that will be here soon in the fall!

I hope to be posting every spare chance I get!

I haven't stopped working on myself or thinking about life in general! Healing is still very much under way! I hope you are as well!

What I Want

I can't wait until I'm older.

That must sound silly for a 20 year old lady to be saying.

I can't wait to be 30 and have everything figured out. If everything isn't all figured out, I still feel that by then, I should have most of what I want out of life.

I want to be happy.

For some reason, in my mind, I get so stuck on being happy in my future, that I don't know how to be happy now. I'm trying though.

In my future I picture myself being a high school band director. I will have a family. A kid or two and a husband that loves me more than anyone has ever loved me.

I want to feel that love. I want it to embrace me every day all day. I want to be able to feel that if I mess up, that I will still be loved unconditionally and be told that it is okay.

I want to be told that I am beautiful.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be the perfect mommy someday. I want to take care of my children and be the mommy that I never really had.

I want to be the perfect wife. I want to make my husband happy and make it so that he can be proud of me.

I want to be it all. All of these things.

I know that being perfect is not going to happen, but I want to try.

I feel that if I can get all of these things to happen, then I will be happy.

Stuck In Circles

I have been getting stuck in circles lately.

I have come to the conclusion that as part of being human, getting caught in circles is a common way of living.

I feel that in order to get out of my path of continuing circles, something must change.

I work every day at trying to become a better person. In the beginning it was solely for the purpose of healing. Now, I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something to make my life the way I want it to be. I feel more in control.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I feel needs to change.

The first thing that came to mind was being more independent. This pertains to my feelings, decisions, and religion. By independent, I mean that I need to think for myself and think about what is going to work for me. This feels selfish to me, but it is what I feel will help me be happy. I can't live other people's lives. I have to live my own.

I am also going around in circles with the abuse. There is no sense of closure about anything to do with it. I am still working on what I can do to help that feeling.

I am only going to be taking baby steps to make these circles a little wider so that it doesn't seem so much like a circle, just a big path. (I hope that makes sense.)

Baby steps.