Storms!

It is currently storming where I live.

I hear rain pelting the glass window, see flashes of lightning, and can hear rumbles of thunder.

It is refreshing in an odd sort of way.

Why, you may ask?

This storm that is washing over the part of the U.S. where I live, reminds me that every once in a while we as humans need a good storm now and then.

We need to be able to feel refreshed and new and be able to take a deep breath and feel cool clean air and not worry.

We need to be able to get through the scary part of the storm and feel the calm renewal that soon follows.

-Lara

When To Probe and When Not To

Your friends and family care about you. I know mine do! So, as you go through this, they are going to want information right from the start or decide when you should tell what happened.

This happened to me. From what I have read from other blogs and heard from other people who have gone through similiar things, you will end up being probed for information sooner or later. It is only a matter of time. You are loved so much by these people and it scares them not to know what happened. It is human nature to automatically think the worst. They are worried and scared for you and your safety.

You need to understand something though - you need to tell who you feel you need or want to tell what happened. As much as you may love these people back, you are not helping anyone by pushing yourself to tell when you are not emotionally ready. If anything, I found that this may cause you to start to hide from people. You may start to hide information, emotions, and anything else that may be of use to get out in the open.

Your family and friends love you, but don't do anything you aren't ready to do!

-Lara

I Am Thankful

I realized today that I have many things to be thankful for. I am very blessed and fortunate to have so many awesome people and things in my life.

Here is my list of things I am thankful for:

• Family
• Friends
• My professors
• The courage I have gained through this process
• A forgiving heart
• God and His presence
• The ability for me to learn when I need help
• Music

Those are only some that I feel especially thankful for today! Only a small portion! I am so blessed!

What are you thankful for today?

-Lara

The Importance of Writing

I learned a very important thing the last couple of days.

It is important to get out in the open what happened. It is hard and no one may really understand, but it has to be done to help yourself.

Your feelings and the facts that happened will not just go away no matter how hard you wish. They won't. Trust me. I tried. You will just feel worse.

I have been doing both telling people and writing it down. It helps me to feel better. Well, actually I feel worse first, but eventually I do feel better.

I am so sorry I have not been on here much. I am back in school and things are just crazy! I will try to write more! :)

-Lara

Journal Entry: Twinge of Sadness

July 2, 2011
I feel okay today. I have had a twinge of sadness though all day. I cleaned all day and to be honest, I think that that was what was keeping the sadness and depression at bay.

I really do think my medicine is working. It kind of baffles me to think that I am suffering from depression and PTSD. That is some intense stuff - and I had no idea. What a crazy and intense process this has been so far, but it is going to get easier. Thank God.

-Lara

Memories

Everyone has memories.

I have some great ones. I have had so many amazing experiences and great times with friends that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Why is it though, that for every bad moment we have in our lives, we need about 20 good and happy memories to counteract it? Why is it harder to remember bad memories than good ones?

I have been pondering this lately.

I am going to therapy because of all that happened to me. All of these bad memories have been flooding me lately and sometimes it feels nearly impossible to function.

My thoughts on this (take them or leave them) are that it is human to recall terrible memories. It is what makes us human. It takes learning and accepting what has happened to be able to not need all of the millions and millions of good memories to overtake the bad ones.

What do you think?

-Lara

Feelings I Can't Change

I can't change how I feel. It is real and they are a part of me. I have to learn to work through them and heal and learn to become a better version of me.

I feel trapped today. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get out. I can't escape this process and these feelings that keep coming back and are pressing down on me. They press so hard sometimes that I feel like I am sinking. I can't tell which way is up. I don't know what to do to make me feel any better.

I feel lost. No one understands. I know that they try, but it just doesn't cut it sometimes.

I feel longing. I miss what I used to feel. I used to be happy. I know that once this whole process is over that I will be a whole lot healthier and happier than I was.

I feel angry. I hate that he ruled my life for a year and a half. I hate that I had the feeling like he took parts of me away. I fought and feel like I lost. I lost the battle, but damn it, I haven't lost the war! The anger overtakes me sometimes and I get confused and don't know exactly why I am so angry and don't know how to channel my anger into something that is productive.

I feel drained. This whole process is long and hard and I have been fighting the whole time. It is like the story of the Greek God or whatever that has to push the boulder up hill for eternity. That is what it feels like sometimes. I don't feel like I am winning or making process. I get stuck and don't know how to change my stuck feeling to a feeling of process.

Melt Down

I am ashamed to say that today I had a total and complete melt down.

It happened. Again.

It happened once before, and I honestly thought that it would never happen again.

I got too tired, I guess. I don't know.

I had auditions today. That didn't really bother me. I was prepared and ready to go. I wasn't stressing it. I was in the middle of playing my piece to audition for wind ensemble and BAM flashbacks. They started and wouldn't stop. It was like tumbling down a hill and not being able to stop. I wanted so badly to make them stop; at least long enough for my audition to be over and done with.

To make things worse, I started to get upset that it was happening. I know that I can't really help it, it happens. I just want so badly to be able to do and be the best that I can be. It is so frustrating.

So, I melted down. I had to have 2 different people help me and soothe me and remind me where I was because sometimes, they get so bad, I can't tell where I am or who is around me. It is so scary.

It did make me realize today, that I am loved. There are at least four people who helped me today and made me feel better and get grounded. It is unfortunate that I had to realize I am loved through this situation.

I will survive this.

-Lara