Friday, August 26, 2011

Feelings I Can't Change

I can't change how I feel. It is real and they are a part of me. I have to learn to work through them and heal and learn to become a better version of me.

I feel trapped today. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get out. I can't escape this process and these feelings that keep coming back and are pressing down on me. They press so hard sometimes that I feel like I am sinking. I can't tell which way is up. I don't know what to do to make me feel any better.

I feel lost. No one understands. I know that they try, but it just doesn't cut it sometimes.

I feel longing. I miss what I used to feel. I used to be happy. I know that once this whole process is over that I will be a whole lot healthier and happier than I was.

I feel angry. I hate that he ruled my life for a year and a half. I hate that I had the feeling like he took parts of me away. I fought and feel like I lost. I lost the battle, but damn it, I haven't lost the war! The anger overtakes me sometimes and I get confused and don't know exactly why I am so angry and don't know how to channel my anger into something that is productive.

I feel drained. This whole process is long and hard and I have been fighting the whole time. It is like the story of the Greek God or whatever that has to push the boulder up hill for eternity. That is what it feels like sometimes. I don't feel like I am winning or making process. I get stuck and don't know how to change my stuck feeling to a feeling of process.

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