I have been having a rough time lately.
It has been hard. I am depressed and having nightmares again.
My most recent nightmare is this:
I am in a room on a rug. It is a very soft white rug. The floor underneath is black. I have no idea where I am.
The boy who abused me is there (Bob, is what we will call him).
He gets on top of me. He tells me to stay quiet.
I close my eyes and pray for anything to stop what is about to happen.
Then, I open them.
Instead of seeing the vast emptiness that was just there, I see everyone in my life that I love and love me back.
They are watching, or being forced to watch. I am not sure which.
He starts to rape me.
I am crying and trying to remain quiet. It is hard to though.
I see my family and friends crying and looking away or covering their faces. Some are ashamed of me, others are sad, upset, angry, or just look sorry for me.
Now, my family is there, all except my dad and my 2 sisters. The only family there are my extended family.
My friend who (now) has 3 little boys is right up front of all of them. She is crying the hardest and changing emotions constantly.
Finally, she lunges forward and tries to save me. She is the only one who tries.
I cry out to her, but it doesn't help. She is not able to reach me. It is as if there is something there that is keeping her from me.
I only hope - shattered.
That has been my nightmare for the last week and a half now. It causes me to have trouble getting to sleep.
Keep in mind that I was never raped by him. Thank God. He came very close, but he didn't.
What does this mean?
I need sleep...