Flashbacks

I have never had experiences with flashbacks before. This is new for me. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. The only way I can describe it would have to be to compare it to the feeling of taking a lot of Benadryl and falling asleep. I know that that only happens to some people, but that is how it felt for me.

I was able to hear everything that was being said, but I couldn't respond. Eventually, though, I couldn't hear anything and I lost sense of where I was and what was going on and slipped into another place and time. It was an out of body experience. That is how it feels when I take too much Benadryl. I can hear things, but my body won't respond to them. I've been told that I sometimes talk or move my mouth like I am talking when they happen.

I was concerned with these flashbacks, so I called my doctor. I guess they are normal for someone who went through what I did. She said that just like the nightmares, these too will lessen and eventually die away.

All I know is that the flashbacks are unlike anything I've ever experienced and scare me every time.

Anybody had experience with flashbacks? Any advice?

-Lara

Doctor Appointment

So, I went to the doctor's today.

I got put on an antidepressant. Now, I wait and see how it makes me feel. It can take up to 2 to 6 weeks until I start to feel better. It is a waiting game.

There are so many negative side affects that it scares me. I pray that I experience none of them!

Wish me luck on this new experience!

Other than that though, I have been having a pretty rough day emotionally. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am tired of feeling terrible and sad or angry. It is very frustrating.

Hopefully this medicine helps though!

Do you have any experiences with antidepressants?

-Lara

Anger

Lately, I have noticed that I have become quite the angry person.

Now, let me tell you, I am NOT an angry person at all. Before everything started to get rolling, I was always happy and pretty laid back. I miss feeling like that. I miss feeling normal.

Normal for everyone is different, so I know that some people are probably thinking, "there is no such thing as normal." Well, I miss MY normal. Normal for me is the way I used to feel.

But, on the bright side of things...
I talked to my counselor and did some research and found out that anger is close to the end of this crazy, tiring, and painful climb to healthy. I like to think of this journey as climbing up a mountain and I can't wait until I get to the top and can spread my arms knowing that I did it and can breathe easy.

I know that just because on paper this is supposedly close to the end of this journey (I think I have about 2 more phases to go through.) that that is not necessarily so. I know that I still have some work to do, but I am finding out more and more every day that it is worth it.

It is worth going through the anger and the depression. I know that someday I am going to finally feel good and be my normal again, and I can't wait.

-Lara

The First Encounter

I feel the need to tell a little bit of my story.

It is not pretty. But I will only tell a little of it tonight. Hopefully, I will be able to tell more and more as time goes on.

The first time it happened. *insert huge sigh here* It was what I like to call "The First Encounter".

It was during band camp and Bob (we'll call him Bob as to not disclose any real names) sat next to me. At the time, I was a sophomore and he was a senior. Well, me and Bob, we were ok friends. We talked and such, but not much more than that.

He asked to talk to me one day during a rehearsal during band camp that was being held in the band room. Of course, being the obedient underclassman that I was, I followed. I followed him out into the hallway. There was no one around.

He started to talk and the next thing I knew, he had one hand around my throat and the other over my mouth. I had never been so frightened in my life. I was crying and my whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't breathe.

During all of this, he was saying the most disturbing and gross things. I will not and can not say what he said to me, for your sake and for mine. The whole time I was thinking that I had to get away, but my body wouldn't move.

Eventually, his one hand left my throat and traveled down towards my chest. At the time I couldn't care less that he was touching me there, I was just happy I could breathe again! Because of the length of time he had his hand around my throat, I had almost passed out from not being able to breathe!

At last, he left me. Before he left he warned me not to tell anyone what had happened or else it would get worse. I nodded, scared for what could possibly happen to me. He then instructed me not to leave until he has been gone for at least 5 minutes. That became an unspoken rule later on.

This was the beginning. It was the beginning of everything. The bad. The good. The part where I lose all control and lose it and the part when I start to heal.

This is the beginning of my story. It gets worse and then, eventually, it gets better.

-Lara

To Quote the Beatles...

"Help! I need somebody! Help!"

I know from experience that one of the hardest things to do is ask for help. Even though you know it will make you better, it is hard to ask for it. It means admitting that you have a problem.

I personally have problems seeing the counselor I go to. I need to have someone help me get there and ensure that I actually go. It scares me to go. I know that she is helping me and I certainly want the help, but it scares the poo out of me to go see her once a week.

I know that I also have a problem with feeling like a burden to people when I ask to talk to them to just things off my chest. It makes things harder because I feel that no one wants to listen or help me. I know that isn't true, but that is not how I feel. I am sure that I am really not a burden to my friends and family, but it can really feel that way.

I am trying to learn how to deal with things when I know I have to do it alone. Your friends and family will be there for you, but they can't be there all the time. They have lives too. When asking someone for time to talk and they say that they are busy and can't, it can be hard to deal with the rejection of not feeling like you are worth their time (you really are).

To get through that feeling of rejection and like they don't care about you I stop and think.

• If they didn't care-why would they have helped you previously?

It is a good point to stop and just think about and know that they really do care.

Getting help can be hard, but it is definitely worth it.

Epsom Salts, Lotions, and Body Wash, Oh My!

I did a little research and talked with some friends of mine about what I could do to help relieve some stress and just overall feel better.

These are some things that I did some research on and I was told about:

• Epsom salts-they help to relieve stress and it is also good for your skin! It helps to relax the whole body and cause an overall feeling of relaxation.
• Lotions-Bath and Body Works makes a nice line of aromatherapy products that can help with almost anything! I am currently trying the stress reliever and so far so good! I actually feel a little more relaxed!
• Body Wash-Bath and Body Works also makes a nice line of aromatherapy products in body wash form! I am also trying this, and seeing some results!

I have not tried the Epsom salts yet, but I will. They are supposed to be stress relieving too, but we'll see.

Has anyone had experience with using any of these? Do you like or not like them?

-Lara

To Go To the Doctor or Not To Go

That is the question.

I finally got my dad to open up a bit and talk to me today. I don't feel as relieved as I thought, but we're working on trying to talk more about what happened and open up more to each other and try to build a healthy way to get through this.

But...

My depression is not getting any better. My dad told me that maybe I should see my doctor. I was dead set on NOT seeing the doctor.

A friend of mine though told me that it might be a good idea. I just need to work on getting over the stigma of needing meds to work on my depression. This is going to be hard to get over.

It is late though, and this girl needs sleep.

What are your thoughts on meds for depression? Have you tried any? I could use any advice I can get!

-Lara

Saddness On Top of Saddness

I am still learning how to drown out my saddness with laughter and happiness, but today it is just not working. Nothing seems to work. I tried everything. I got some news earlier today that made my heart just sink down as low as it could go. The kind of news that makes your stomach drop and your mind kind of stops working. Yeah, that is what I felt. I don't know how to deal with the saddness from the news I got, so, that saddness is now on top of my previous saddness.

I know that trying to make myself happy will not work today. There will be no laughter today, no fun. I just don't feel like it. I tried to make myself happier and failed miserably. Today will just be a sad day. A day with saddness on top of saddness.

Good Days vs Bad Days

So, I have found myself starting to classify my days as either being mostly good or mostly bad. Not good or bad as in I lost something or broke something, but my emotions and how I overall feel.

When I first told anyone about what had happened at the end of last month, I had two or three terrible weeks. I was a zombie of sorts. I couldn't concentrate in class and I had no personality. Now I have terrible days instead of terrible weeks. That is definately a step in the right direction!

On my bad days I want to stay by myself and cry. But, I took some much needed advice from a friend and found that these things make my bad days a little less bad.

• Surround yourself with people you love-don't be alone. It makes things worse.
• Laugh! Try to laugh. Look at funny things on the internet, watch funny movies, anything to laugh at little.
• Get some vitamin D. It is proven to make you in a better mood.
• Doing stress and anxiety relieving breathing exercises. There are a ton online!

These things, I found, work for me the best to make my bad days not so bad. It doesn't make it all better and sunshine and rainbows, but it doesn't make it worse!

What helps you?

-Lara

Lesson Learned

Wow. I learned a HUGE lesson tonight. When it comes to sexual abuse, do NOT expect others to completely understand. It is nice that people will try, but they can not possibly understand unless they have been through it before. Sure, they're advice is great and can help a ton, but they still don't know. They don't know what it FEELS like.

I learned in the beginning that I need to let people help me. I tried to do everything by myself. It didn't work.

So, lesson learned. Let people help you, and don't expect them to completely understand, but do know that these special people do love you and want to help.

-Lara

My First Blog...Ever

This is my first blog post. I have never done this before, but a friend of mine told me that it would be a good idea to start doing this to help me help myself.

I was sexually abused in 10th grade for roughly a year and a half. I am a freshman in college and am just now starting to try and heal.

My friend told me that maybe by having this blog I can feel like I am helping others. I hope so. It might take a while to start making me feel that way, but hey, it's worth a try!

In this blog, I hope to share bits and pieces of my story and maybe help a person or two along the way, while helping myself as well.

-Lara