The last time I was at a therapy session, we discussed my abandonment issues that I didn't know I had.
I guess I did have an idea that they were there. I just didn't know what that feeling was.
Tomorrow, I have to do something that I never imagined in a million years I would have to do.
I have to tell my band director tomorrow how I feel.
That may not sound like much, but hear me out. This is how I feel:
Along with the idea of being abandoned (more on how that came about later), I am scared to death of people leaving my life. If they mean anything to me, I don't want them to leave. Ever. With my band director, I love that man like a second father and I know he loves me like a daughter. In approximately five years though, he will be retiring as a music teacher. He told me that when he retires that he is going to move far away. That may not sound like a big deal. People move on with their lives, so why can't I? Why does it hurt me so much, physically and emotionally, at the thought of him not being in my life? Just the thought of not being able to go to his house when I need a laugh or to talk makes me so sad. My heart hurts.
I need to hear from his mouth, that he will never leave me. I can't stand to have him leave my life after being such a huge part of it. I had him for classes and different bands and ensembles for five years. He is the one that made me want to be a band director. I want to be like him some day.
This may seem a bit obsessive, but when someone has such a huge impact in your life, how can you not feel this way? I don't think it is obsessive at all. It is respect and love.
I just don't know how I am going to be able to tell him how I feel about this. I also have the need to please everyone. It can be a problem. I always feel that he is somehow disappointed in me, when I know that that is not the case. I need to be able to tell him that I need to know that he won't abandon me or stop loving me.
I hate this.