Productive Day

So, yesterday was a relatively boring day. Today was a super productive day.

Here is my day:

• Woke up and had a bowl of cereal. (Mmmm)
• Started cleaning the house. We are getting air conditioning tomorrow. (Yay!)
• Practiced my audition music and got half of it memorized. (Yes!)

So, now (most of) the house is clean, i know my music (mostly) for marching band in 2 weeks, and I actually had breakfast this morning.

That might now sound like much. To me though, these are awesome accomplishments considering the last couple days I didn't even want to get out of bed.

I don't feel much better though. I feel like I just want to lay down and sleep all day. I know I can't do that though. That will make me feel worse.

Off I go, I am going to do more cleaning and/or practicing.

I hope this eventually helps me to feel a little better.

-Lara

Boring Day

Not much is really going on with me.

Actually, that is a lie. I just can't talk about it yet. I am not ready.

So, until then, I found a picture that cheered me up today. I hope you enjoy it.

Source of Sadness

Here is a journal entry that I want to share with you.

June 1, 2011
I feel sad, but hopeful. I feel this because...well, I don't really know. I just do.

I am thinking about what we talked about in counseling today. About how all the things that happened to me make me feel the way I do. I just keep thinking of my anger and sadness.

I was looking through my journal and saw this. It reminds me that the sadness that I have been feeling lately has a source and that it will pass.

It always does.

-Lara

Listening

I was looking through my journal a while ago; realizing that I haven't made an entry in a long time.

I then, came to the conclusion that that is because I have been using this blog in journal like ways, therefore taking away my need for a handwritten journal. This is not necessarily true though. I do love my handwritten journal. I feel that I can be more personal in there and actually use names and places and not have to worry about being judged by others reading it.

So, I have decided that I am going to now and then post some of my journal entries. Some will be from the past and some will be from the day I am writing. It all depends on how I feel and what I feel like sharing.

All I ask of you, is to listen and hopefully my journal entries on here will be able to give you as a reader a deeper connection with what I am going through.

So, here is my first entry:

May 21, 2011
I feel angry. I don't feel like anyone at home wants to listen to me. I said that I felt sad and my dad's response was to get over it and that everyone is tired of hearing me say that I am sad. That sadness is now mixed with anger. More anger than sadness now though.

I was thinking that my family should want to listen to my problems and help me feel better.

So, now I am listening to some relaxing music to try and calm down. I am also trying to remind myself that my family loves me, but this is not an easy thing to talk about or even think about.

Missing the Puppy

So, the last week my sister and I have been watching a wiener dog puppy for our older sister while she was away on vacation.

I love dogs, but this one was a handful.

I didn't think that I was going to miss her so much when she left.

I also forgot to take my meds...for three days...so, I am in a deep dark pit of depression, that's for sure. It isn't like I didn't take them on purpose. I was so busy the last couple of days in the evening and it just slipped my mind.

I feel so sad. I feel like a terrible person. I feel ashamed.

I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me that I am going to be okay. I know that I will be, but it is always nice to hear someone else say it.

I wasn't feeling so crappy until my older sister came to take her dog home. Then, the helpless, hopeless, sad, feelings just ambushed me without a warning.

I feel so very alone.

I want need to cry. I can feel the tears burning my eyes, but they won't come out. It is more painful than actually crying. I thought that crying everyday was the worst thing, but feeling like you need to and not being able to is even worse.

I am going to go and try to go to bed now. I need some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

-Lara

Touching On Normal

Today, I experienced normal.

I had my usual suckish morning and early afternoon. I had my flashbacks, I went through my depressed feeling, feeling like I was alone and no one understands, blah blah blah.

Then, normal happened.

I have not experienced some real normal in a while. What I thought was normal before, really wasn't. It was just a better version of bad. It wasn't me and I wanted so badly to think that it was.

I shouldn't have tried to kid myself.

I am me. I have changed with this process, but I am still who I was before. I may think differently, maybe a little deeper, but I am me nonetheless. Normal for me is what I make of it.

I am actually starting to come to the conclusion that there really isn't a normal. There is a healthy and happy me that I need to get back to. I need to find that and live my life the way I need and want to live it.

Are you wondering how I came to all of these conclusions?

Well, I went to a friend's house today. The same one that I went to previous times, with the two little boys. The oldest one was getting into some trouble, so my friend, his mother, reprimanded him. She took his hand and told him that he needed to behave. He got upset for maybe a minute, but then he was laughing and smiling again. It didn't phase him. He knew that he did wrong and needed to be punished and told that he did something bad, but he didn't let it define him. He didn't dwell on it and cry for hours on end. He picked himself back up, accepted the fact that he needed to change so he could get what he needed and wanted and went on with his time playing.

Maybe I read too much into it. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I got that from him being punished for bad behavior. If you were there, you would probably have been touched in some way too. The way he handled it was marvelous. I couldn't even begin to try and describe how much that made me happy and most importantly, hopeful.

I need to keep the idea in my head that normal is me being healthy and happy. I will get there. Everything didn't happen overnight, so I can't expect to heal overnight either.

-Lara

Crying

I have never wanted to cry so bad in my life.

For the last two days, I feel as if all of my sadness is bottled up inside of me. I am honestly afraid that I am going to explode...or maybe implode? (That would be less messy.)

I have kind of been wanting to try and provoke tears or crying. I need to get it out. I feel stuck.

Remember that smothered feeling I had a while ago? Yeah, it's back and stronger than ever.

I honestly don't know if it would be a terrible idea to try and cry. I almost feel as if I would provoking it and trying to dwell on it. I know that I am not, but who makes themselves cry? I guess a girl who feels like she is going to go insane if she doesn't, that's who.

I think that if I could get out one heck of a great cry that I would feel ten times better. I wouldn't feel so trapped and lonely. I want to feel the sadness. That may sound strange, but I think I want to because I know that my emotions are a part of me and it bothers me that I can't express them very well, especially sadness. I can do happy and mad pretty well, but sadness doesn't seem to want and come out.

I'm stuck. I'm going to bed.

-Lara

The Past

I found a quote online that struck a chord with me and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

I don't know who said it, but it has got me thinking.

Even though what happened with "Bob" was terrible and impacted me in some negative ways, in a weird way, not everything is bad that came from what happened. I am now able to learn who I really am and how to work through problems in a healthy way.

From this quote, I also realized that sometimes, I have bad days. Those days suck hard core, but as long as I try my hardest to make my day better, that is all that matters - that I am trying to improve and get well.

On a slightly different note...

I work at a summer music camp and I was there this morning and I was having a high sensory morning. Things were not going very well. I had to leave the room for a little bit. I just couldn't handle it. I was so embarrassed.

Anyways, I need a nap. This chick is tired.

-Lara

The Annoyance of All This

One word that would perfectly describe today would be annoyed.

I don't really know why. I just am. I am thoroughly annoyed. I usually don't get annoyed.

This whole process is bugging the crap out of me today. I can't seem to want to do anything but sleep or cry lately. Today, not so much, but the fact that I feel that way in general annoys me.

I don't have much that I really want to talk about tonight. I have a lot to say, but I don't have the patience with myself to try and put it into words so it is actually understandable.

My deepest apologies.

-Lara

Sunrises and Sunsets

Have you ever sat and watched the sun rise? Have you ever really watched? Stayed up all night and took in the experience? How about a sunset?

Where I live, the sun has already set and most of my family are in bed.

I was doing some stumble upon and a picture of a sunset came up. It was breath taking. Then, I realized that the last time I watched the sun rise, actually watched it, was my junior year of high school. Even then, I think I took it for granted and just brushed it off as another thing that is just part of life.

The thing is, it isn't guaranteed. Life is a gift. Every day, every minute is time you have to cherish.

So, I started looking up more pictures of sunsets and sunrises. It suddenly hit me while I was doing this - sunsets and sunrises are a lot like what I am going through right now in my life. I can totally relate to them. It may sound like I am crazy saying that. How can I possibly relate to something that most people don't even notice? You'll see.

Here's how:
Today, I was talking with a friend and he asked me how I am doing. We talked for a little while and before we went our separate ways, he said, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith. I love you." Those words made me stand still. I couldn't respond. This man, that I have known since I was 14, didn't judge me. Instead, he showed his love and acceptance. He was genuine and when some moments get hard, I try to remind myself of what he said. I had a bad time this evening and I thought of what he said, and it grounded me. I felt safe and loved.

The light at the end of the tunnel is like a sunrise. It is dark and scary, but soon enough, the light shines through the darkness. Things become less scary. The thing that you saw outside was not the monster you thought it was, only a tree. There is no creature in your closet, just your clothing. Things become clearer. Things get easier to see.

But, just like the sunset, things can get dark again. The frightening feeling comes back and the panic. The feeling of being alone in the dark and no one understands you. It is real. It is there. In time though, the sunset will happen and the time in the dark will be over.

-Lara

One Yucky Day!

I had one yucky day. That is the only way to describe it. Yucky.

I have been kind of down for a few days. Then, I had counseling. Usually, after my session I feel really good. I have my head on straight and it is the easiest time for me to think clearly and make sense of some things. This week - eh, not so much.

For some reason, I went to therapy feeling like crap and left feeling the same way. I felt like I didn't accomplish anything and nothing was really discussed that we haven't already talked about. I feel like we are repeating ourselves. It sucks. I want results and I want to feel at least a little better when I leave a session.

I know that this whole process is a long term thing, but I at least want to leave and feel like I have at least talked about something that has been on my mind and make my head and heart feel a little lighter.

I'm tired. I am going to go to bed. This whole week is going to suck, I get the feeling. Two bad days in a row...not good.

-Lara

Normal Day

For the first time in a very long time, I had a normal day.

Well, allow me to explain. I had a normal day in terms of how insane and out of whack my days have been lately.

I went to the last graduation party of the year that I was invited to. It was OK. It was like any other graduation party.

What made today so...normal was the fact that I didn't have a high sensory day.

Now, I have never actually described a high sensory day in any of my posts, I don't think. I will explain.

A high sensory day for me is one heck of a rough day. It is when I have a high amount of flashbacks in a day. I can feel like I am being touched, I can hear the same sounds from the incidents, can smell the same smells, and can feel the same emotions from when everything happened. All of these are very overwhelming and are all from when the abuse was happening.

It is nearly impossible to describe how it feels and what I am going through. One day, I will try though. When I am having a bad high sensory day I will write about how I am feeling. Maybe one of you feel the same and can relate. Maybe even give me some advice?

-Lara

And the Dreams Just Keep Coming

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

At least they aren't nightmares!

The strange dreams just keep on coming and I honestly don't know what to think of them. I know one thing for sure though: they all have the same theme.

The theme is me trying to get everything out that I feel and not only that, but the people I tell understand how I feel and what I mean when I describe things to them.

I get to a point where I feel stuck sometimes. That is the only word I can think of to describe it - stuck. I get flashbacks and I want so badly to just say how I feel and what I am going through and not have questions asked or feel like someone is doubting me.

And all of this thinking started with a dream.

I want with every fiber of my being, to be able to explain and describe how I feel to people and have them truly understand. When I find out how to do that, I will be posting up a storm to let all of my readers know. It will be epic.

After my odd dream, I started to think of my journey. It is like one heck of a crazy roller coaster. Right now, I am in a huge dip and climbing the hill back up. Each time though, the hills get higher and the dips get less low. I am rising. I am climbing out of this and finding out who I am. This may have happened to me, but it doesn't define me.

I am me.

-Lara

Not Everyone Helps

I had a realization last night. I think I knew this all along, but it just really kicked in last night.

Not everyone helps you. Not everyone WANTS to help you.

I know it sounds kind of terrible to say that not everyone wants the best for you and wants you to get better, but it is true. Some people just don't care how you feel and how well you are doing in this process.

I came to realize this last night when I was talking to a friend online who has gone through what similar stuff I have been through, except he is a guy. We were talking and I don't know if what happened to him just made him the way he is, but he was very straight forward and blunt. He didn't care how his words would affect you or how you took what he said. All he knew was that what he was saying was making him feel better.

To me, that is selfish. In my opinion, when you are talking to someone and trying to make them feel better about what they are going through, that is all you should really be caring about. Don't try to get the most out of it for yourself. It should be a give and take kind of situation. I was doing a lot of giving and wasn't getting much in return and I really don't think he cared.

This bothered me for a while. Unfortunately, when I was talking to him, it was right before I was going to go to sleep, so this was on my mind for a while until I could come to a reasonable explanation as to why someone who has gone through hell wouldn't want to help someone else who has the same feeling. It baffles me, but I guess everyone was brought up differently and has different backgrounds. I guess I just have to respect that, so that is what I am trying to do.

I dare you to make a difference and lend a helping hand to those who are suffering in an emotional way and be there to listen, dry tears, and do whatever they ask of you.

So, remember, not everyone has your best interest at heart and really don't give a crap what happens to you. In my opinion though, those people aren't worth your time and effort, so do what they are doing to you and just let them go.

What do YOU think?

-Lara

Messed Up Feelings

I have been having some pretty messed up feelings lately.

Today is the feeling of not being loved. It isn't the feeling of not being loved by my family. I feel unloved by my friends. I know that my friends love me, but it just doesn't feel like it today.

None of my friends have done anything to make me feel not loved or anything. If anything, I should feel like the most loved person. I get invited places and hang out with them all the time.

I just don't feel so loved today.

I think it is the depression beast. It keeps rearing its darn head and throws me off.

I need a therapy session pronto. Unfortunately though, I don't have one until the 11th. Ugh. I have to survive this whole week without the help of a therapist. I feel alone on this. I don't like it, that's for sure.

I definately need to get rid of this not feeling loved thing if I am going to make it this week without a total freak out. I haven't had one of those in a long time, by the way.

Wish me luck and prayers to get through this day without crying.

-Lara

Happy July!

Happy first day of July, everyone!

I had a pretty good day. I started off today in a good mood and that lasted nearly all day. Just recently I felt angry, so I worked out to get rid of some of my anger. It worked.

I have been super tired all the time lately. I really don't know why. Yesterday, I slept, literally, all day. I don't know what my problem is. I have three guesses though. Number one, my medicine is making me super sleepy. Number two, I am worn out because I didn't get a good night sleep the other night. And number three, the depression beast has reared it's ugly head and I am trying to battle it.

For some reason, the whole depression thing makes me sleepy. Therapy sessions make me sleepy too. I think it is because I have to work so hard to think and remember things that hurt me to remember and think about.

So, Sunday I have to go to a graduation party. That is nothing new. Today, though, I got a text from the girl who invited me and she warned me that the boy's family who abused me will be there. She told me that she doesn't think that he will show up, but she doesn't know. I have no idea what to do. I am really good friends with her, and I hate the fact that he is still running my life by making me not go places I want to go. It scares me though. I know he won't do anything in front of a large group of people, but it makes me super uneasy. I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

-Lara