Today, I experienced normal.
I had my usual suckish morning and early afternoon. I had my flashbacks, I went through my depressed feeling, feeling like I was alone and no one understands, blah blah blah.
Then, normal happened.
I have not experienced some real normal in a while. What I thought was normal before, really wasn't. It was just a better version of bad. It wasn't me and I wanted so badly to think that it was.
I shouldn't have tried to kid myself.
I am me. I have changed with this process, but I am still who I was before. I may think differently, maybe a little deeper, but I am me nonetheless. Normal for me is what I make of it.
I am actually starting to come to the conclusion that there really isn't a normal. There is a healthy and happy me that I need to get back to. I need to find that and live my life the way I need and want to live it.
Are you wondering how I came to all of these conclusions?
Well, I went to a friend's house today. The same one that I went to previous times, with the two little boys. The oldest one was getting into some trouble, so my friend, his mother, reprimanded him. She took his hand and told him that he needed to behave. He got upset for maybe a minute, but then he was laughing and smiling again. It didn't phase him. He knew that he did wrong and needed to be punished and told that he did something bad, but he didn't let it define him. He didn't dwell on it and cry for hours on end. He picked himself back up, accepted the fact that he needed to change so he could get what he needed and wanted and went on with his time playing.
Maybe I read too much into it. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I got that from him being punished for bad behavior. If you were there, you would probably have been touched in some way too. The way he handled it was marvelous. I couldn't even begin to try and describe how much that made me happy and most importantly, hopeful.
I need to keep the idea in my head that normal is me being healthy and happy. I will get there. Everything didn't happen overnight, so I can't expect to heal overnight either.