What a Wonderful Day

I had a couple of awesome days here. Not only am I happy that I had some great days, but they were in a row! For two days in a row, I have been feeling genuinly happy.

I went to my friend's house yesterday. The one I talked about in an earlier post with the two boys. It was so much fun!

Because of me going to her house and playing with her boys, I am now in a great mood. Also, I think that my medicine is helping a ton!

I just can't help but think that tomorrow won't be as good as today or yesterday. With my good days being much more frequent and better, my bad days seem so much worse. I think that I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but sometimes things are worth repeating, right?

I don't know, I just pray that tomorrow is good. It doesn't have to be great, but I am hoping for good. I am also praying that the constant feeling of being ashamed doesn't bombard me tomorrow either.

Well, I am going to go to bed and sleep some more. I have been sleeping all day, but that is one thing about depression - I sleep a lot.

-Lara

More Weird Dreams

Since I have been put on Prozac I have been having some really crazy dreams.

I wrote once about a weird dream that I had.

Well, since then I have had some weird and crazy ones.

Every dream that I have involves people I know and places I have been. None of them seem to make much sense to me though.

One thing that every dream that I have has in common is me trying to tell someone I know that I need time to be alone and to heal. Every single one is like that.

It is odd in the first place that I am even dreaming. I usually don't dream unless I have a high fever. This medicine has got me dreaming nearly every night. I don't mind it, but it isn't normal for me.

What do you think?

-Lara

New Therapist

I am seeing a new therapist as of today. My other one only has an 11 month contract, so she set me up with the new one.

I had my first appointment today. I am very excited about how much I am going to accomplish with her. I think that it is a good step in the right direction.

She was so nice and understanding. I think that that is what I have been missing. Understanding. I mean, my old counselor was great and everything, but she never went through anything like this. The new therapist did, so I feel that she knows the process more personally and how to overcome these obstacles that I am dealing with. I feel hopeful.

-Lara

The End Is Near (I Hope)

I am waiting for the end.

Not in the way you are probably thinking. I do not mean the end of the world or what have you.

I am waiting for the end of this process. I can not wait for that day to come. I know it really isn't going to just be a day and "ta-da," all better. No, it is going to take a little more time after that, but I think that this whole healing process is well worth the hard work and the pain. I want need to be better. I need to think in healthier ways and be a new normal.
That is one thing I am excited for; making a new normal. My counselor said that we are going to one day after all this is coming to a lovely end, make a new normal for me and define what exactly that means and how that would affect me and those around me.
I was talking to my counselor about how this "ending" is going to happen. She told me that right now my mind is trying to piece everything together like a gigantic puzzle.

My mind has to put everything together and then come to terms with the emotional part as well. Right now my mind is a little behind emotionally when it comes to putting this stuff together. I guess that is why I cry randomly, which isn't so random. I was told that when my mind decides to put everything in place with emotions, that freaking out is a possibility. Great.
It is worth it though. The counselor also told me that the end could come any time. Next week or years from now. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I just hope that I am ready when it does.
What do you think?

-Lara

One Heck of a Great Day!

I had an absolutely fantastic day! I haven't had one of those in a long time. It felt just awesome!

I decided to start working out to help with my sadness and anger. I don't know, it seems like a good idea. Hopefully, I will also drop a few pounds too! I wouldn't mind that either.

I then went to my friend's house. She has two little boys and they are so fun and adorable. If anything they made me laugh more than I have laughed in a long time. They are just too darn cute and so much fun! They are 2 and 1 years old. The perfect ages, in my opinion!

We finished mulching a flower bed outside. Have you ever tried to do that with a 2 and 1 year old? It was hard, but so much fun!

Then, we went for a walk, or an "adventure," which is what we called it to get the boys excited.

Then, we had dinner and played for a little bit, and then it was time for bed. The bath and bed routine was probably one of my favorite parts of the evening.

I haven't had a day like this in such a long time. I laughed and didn't think about all the bad. I was able to have fun and let loose and just laugh until it hurt. It was wonderful. Of course though, the depression beast makes me think negatively sometimes. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that a bad day is going to be soon to follow. It always does. I am going to try not to think about that though. I don't want to ruin today.

What was your day like?

-Lara

I Am Exhausted

I think my title pretty much says it all, don't you think?

I had counseling this morning, just like any other Wednesday for me this summer. I woke up at 7am and got a shower and got dressed and ready to go.

I wasn't tired when I woke up. I am quite the morning person actually. I used to sing every morning while getting ready for school and my sister would get so angry at me. I love morning. It reminds me that God blessed me with a new day and I should live as much as I can in the time that He has given us.

Anyways, I went to counseling and it lasted for an hour. Then I went to a friend's house for lunch. By the time we were done eating lunch I could barely keep my eyes open. I actually had trouble driving home from the counseling session. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep while driving! I didn't, but I was so tired.

I get so exhausted after my counseling sessions. I think it is mental exhaustion. I have to work so hard to think and to try and remember what happened and to get up the courage to talk about things that I have never talked about. It makes me tired just thinking about it! It takes so much energy that it is nearly impossible to explain.

With that note, this girl is going to go take a much needed nap!

Have you felt tired after counseling sessions?

-Lara

Relaxing Tonight

So, tonight, while doing absolutely nothing, I decided to watch some T.V.

Bad idea.

This has nothing to do with abuse, just so you know. I was just trying to get my mind off of my crazy emotions, so I turned on the tube.

I am watching America's Got Talent. I don't know if you have ever seen it, but there are some crazy people on there. There are some crazy, terrible people with terrible talents. I wouldn't even go so far to call it having talents!

Even though half of what I am watching is horrific, it is making me laugh. I have not laughed so hard at something so stupid. The stupidity though, in an odd way, brightened my day and made me a little happier. Maybe it made me happy to know that I am not that dumb. I don't know.

Then, on the other hand, there are such talented people on that show and that made me happy too.

So, as weird as it may seem, this show made my anger and sadness stay at bay keep me feeling mellow.

Thank you, America's Got Talent, for making me smile tonight. :)

-Lara

Twitter!

I now have a twitter account that links to my blog! I urge you to check out my twitter page and follow me! I am trying to grow my blog and viewers, but that can't happen without your help and following me!

Here is the link!  http://twitter.com/#!/SurviveAndHeal

Have a lovely evening, and thanks! :)

-Lara

A Valuable Lesson

A very valuable lesson was learned today.

I have facebook, like many others all over the world. I like to use quotes as my status updates because to be honest, I think that saying that you are going to the kitchen to get a sandwich or going to the bathroom is dumb and no one really cares. So, I try to use quotes that I find online. Not just any quotes though, they have to have meaning and relate to what is going on in my life.
Unfortunately, my attitude has been kind of down lately and dark. Consequently, my quotes have been too.
To be honest, I really don't want people to comment on my status. I put it up for me about 90% of the time and no one else, but I like to share and hope that someone else may read it and get some good out of it.

So, my friends started to notice that I am kind of down lately and I was able to just brush it off and be like, oh those are all just quotes. End of story. Then, my family started to get involved. I'm not talking like brothers and sisters, but my aunts and stuff. They like to gossip and it drives me bonkers! So, what do they do? They all start calling each other and asking what is wrong with poor Lara.

I eventually caught wind of this. I was furious. I have never been that mad in my life. I was crying and just irate. I had to then tell my dad that the aunts knew something was up and he got upset saying they need to mind their own business and I agreed, but there is really nothing we can do now.

I feel torn. I feel that I shouldn't have to hide how I am feeling and just let it out, because when I do that, I feel the best after I am able to let it out and feel like I let it go. It is a great feeling. To know that you can let out your emotions and then have some time of reflection and know that the next day is not going to be as bad as the day I let my emotions out. It is freeing.

I know I shouldn't be angry with my family. I know they gossip and such, but I also know that they really do care. I just hate feeling like I have to hide my emotions and what happened. What happened to me is a part of me and I can't pretend like it didn't happen. It did and I am dealing with it now. On the other hand I don't think that I am emotionally stable enough yet to go out and tell the whole world what happened, not that I would ever actually do that, but you know. I am torn. I don't know which feeling to follow. I don't like having to try and work between both. I know I don't want too much of my personal life out there. I live in a small town and word travels fast. Real fast. Not only that, but I am scared of him finding out that I am going through all of this. I think that if he found out that I would feel like all of my work was for nothing and he would try to regain power, and I am working so hard to get that back.

What do you think?

-Lara

Bum Bum Bum - Flashbacks!

So, I have been doing some research. All of it has been about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because that is what my counselor and my doctor both said I have.

I am having a lot of trouble with flashbacks. I needed to find out how, why, and what they are all about, not only to help myself, but to help others know what I am going through in the nicest way possible.

First off, what is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

• Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

What causes PTSD?

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.
• PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape.
• The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

What Are Symptoms of PTSD?
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

• Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
• Recurrent distressing memories of the event
• Repeated dreams of the event
• Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

• Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
• Feelings of detachment
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Lack of interest in normal activities
• Less expression of moods
• Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
• Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

• Difficulty concentrating
• Exaggerated response to things that startle you
• Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Sleeping difficulties

At first, this was a ton of information for me to take in and digest! It is very overwhelming. Remember, not everyone experiences the same thing with PTSD. Everyone is different.

Information cited from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/.

Life Is a Storm

I just came to the conclusion that right now, my life is like a storm. Not just any storm though, no, it is one of those humid summer storms. The ones with the loud thunder that scares the crap out of you and lightning that makes you flinch. Those would be my bad days.

Then, I have good days. My good day are like the calm before the storm and after the storm. It is the calming feeling and the sweet smell of rain. It has a sense of relief and an eerie feeling of comfort and it has an electric feeling. It is very hard to explain. Someday, I hope I can explain it better.

-Lara

Friday Feelings

I feel overwhelmed but calm all at the same time. Allow me to explain. I feel overwhelmed because of everything I am going through, and with good reason right? What makes me think that I shouldn't feel this way? I have the right to be upset and what other emotions I am feeling.

I also feel weirdly calm. I think it is because I am actually able to concentrate and think logically. Lately, I am only like this every so often and I am going to embrace it.

I am also scared. I am scared of calling the Sexual Assault Center that my counselor told me to call and get more information. She wants me to start going there for help. I am super frightened. I need to do it, but I am just not ready yet. This is a huge step for me - I think. I will call before my next counseling session. I have to. I just need some time. I will do it Monday so that I have the weekend to think about it and come to terms with what is happening. I need to take things slowly and learn from it. I hope.

Ice Cream and Naps!

Today started off to be quite the crappy day, not going to lie. It down right sucked!

But then...

I had ice cream!

It sounds silly, but it really did make my day better. It was like a little bowl of comfort.

It was vanilla and had pieces of waffle cone covered in chocolate. Delicious!

Then, I took a nap. It is quite amazing how much your mind can be cleared after a good bowl of ice cream and a nap. I was able to actually sit down and think about everything that I am going through.

I realized that if anything I can count this whole hellish thing is a learning experience. My dad always said when I was little when something would happen that it was a learning experience. For example, when I was little my twin sister was a biter. She would bite almost anyone, but my dad. One day she bit me and I got angry and my dad stepped in. He sat us down and said, "Lara, I know that your sister bit you and you are angry, but this is a learning experience." I thought he was full of crap, to be honest. Then, I actually thought about it and realized that the learning experience is that even though my sister makes me so angry sometimes, I still love her.

So, this whole sexual abuse thing - it can be a learning experience as well. I just have to learn how to make it that.

Wow, what a weird day.

How has your Thursday been?

-Lara

Let It Out

I just now realized something.

In order for me to feel better, I need to let everything out. I can't let it all out at once, but hopefully someday I can let it out and feel some sense of relief. I can't wait for that day.

I know that after I cry or freak out that I feel better and I am convinced that it is because I let it all out. I didn't fight it and just let it happen.

I need to stop fighting it. I need to stop fighting my emotions so much. My emotions are there and they are real. I think the sooner I let my emotions out and come to terms with what happened and how it made me feel, the sooner I will get better and heal.

This is all still going to take a lot of time though.

-Lara

Locked Up Emotions

Have you ever had the urge to say how you feel and just talk?

I have been experiencing that feeling an awful lot lately. I need to talk to someone about how I feel and what happened. It is a part of the healing process.

My problem though, is when I finally get someone who I can trust and sit down and talk, I freeze up. I get all of these thoughts running through my head, so I start thinking that I can't trust this person and "Bob" is going to find out that I am going through all of this. I just get terrible thoughts. I can't help it. Then the conversation is cut short and when I get home or whatever, I don't feel any better about what emotions I have locked up inside.

I need to get these emotions out and my story. I need to. I just don't think I am quite ready though...

-Lara

Weird Dream

So, last night I had a very strange dream. Let me tell you about it...

I am in this building. In a bathroom. I am trying to get a bath. People I know keep coming in and I keep yelling at them to leave and to just leave me alone. Finally, I can't take anymore interruptions from my "me time," so I go to find someone to help me get the people out of the bathroom.

I walk into an office and find one of my professors there. I tell him my problem. He doesn't care. He says he will take care of it though and pokes his head out of his office and screams, "Get out of bathroom!" Well, I could have done that! Then, he sits down at his desk and falls asleep! I was furious! Then, I start screaming at the top of my lungs that I have been going through hell lately and I was abused and I just need some time to be alone to be sad and to be what I need to be! Some other weird things happened, that I don't think are very relevant to the meaning, so I won't talk about them.

Then, I woke up.

I have been thinking about it and I think that my dream is trying to tell me that I need to keep talking about what happened. I think I feel like I have some more emotions that I need to get out, including frustration, anger, and sadness.

What do you think?

-Lara

Monday Night

So, Monday, I went to a friend's house. I had a great time. I had the perfect day. Sure, I had some flashbacks in the morning, but that isn't very different than usual.

That night, I freaked out. That is putting it lightly.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I was crying, rocking back and forth, and talking to myself (trying to calm myself down, of course).

I could take the emotional part of what I was going through by calming myself down and telling myself I was safe and such. What I couldn't take though, was the sensations that I was feeling. I could see him, feel him touching me, hear him, and even smell him. I thought for sure I was going crazy!

Yesterday, I went to my counseling session and found out that what I went through is called a "flooding of emotions." My counselor told me that it is actually a good thing I went through what I did because it means that my mind is now ready to handle the emotions of what happened to me. I was dealing with more factual things that happened to me before, but now I am trying to work through the emotions of what happened. The emotions is actually a lot harder than the factual stuff because with the emotions comes the sensations and the use of all of my senses to bring the emotions. This make sense? I certainly hope so!

Has anyone had experiences like this?

Crazy, Crazy Feelings

I feel like I can't take much more of this. I am going to go insane. I keep having flashbacks and they bother me so much. They are seriously unlike anything I have ever had to go through before.

I noticed that afterwards I feel a certain way. I had to think for a long time about how I would describe that feeling. The only word I could come up with was

SMOTHERED.

That one word makes me shudder, makes me feel useless, alone, upset, I cry. It is just such a powerful word for me for some reason. I don't exactly know why, but I hope to figure that out soon.

Smothered. It even feels weird to say. It kind of rolls around in your mouth when you say it. Say it. Smothered. Bleh. That word hurts me.

Unfortunately though, that is the only word that describes how I feel after flashbacks and has all of my crazy emotions inside of it. So, right now, I feel smothered.

-Lara

AH HA!

I went to counseling today, like I normally do once a week.

This time was different though.

While I was there, spilling all that I had to say and how I felt and all of that good stuff, I had a realization. All of my feelings aren't random at all. No. They are caused from one or more things that happened and these instances and things that I remember are causing me to feel all of these crazy emotions!

OK, so I already knew this, but it really clicked while I was at counseling. I don't know what it was, but I finally understood that my random crying isn't so random after all. Now, I just need to try and figure out what causes my deep sadness and take control of that.

This is going to take a while...

-Lara